There are times when despite of things being where they ought to be one needs a hefty dose of motivation to be able to move on. Maybe it was just that my eyes were exhausted from too many hours of staring into my blank mind, but last night I felt less than amicable to my own self. I was annoyed and upset and tired and I constantly felt like no one could understand how difficult it was to manage this.
My weekend was rather ‘eventful’ (every time I use this word it reminds me of a friend who loves to taunt me using my errands). When I say eventful, I mean to include the good and the bad events making the overall period just a mere okay.
For the past few months I’ve been trying to keep myself in the ‘up and running’ mood because I knew there were challenges to face. I spoke positively about things, remained regular with my prayers and did my best to keep myself fit. One after the other life kept throwing its lame jokes at my face and I sat their dealing with each ‘event’ silently pitying life for being so babyish. The whole ‘I will do it because I can!’ attitude really works for me almost in every situation and that is what has kept me going for a while now. But this last weekend I just let life have a good laugh at how weak us humans can get at times. Despite of wanting to, I didn’t seem to put together the strength to get up and slap life so that it shut up. I just sat there with everything happening around like it always has, with friends coming and going, with me running my usual errands and in the back of my mind I kept staring at the endless plain, blank screen in my head. It annoys me even more when I can’t figure out what it is that’s bothering me.
So after the literally eventful weekend, I finally got myself together last night and decided to work this out. I couldn’t just sit here slipping down the dumps watching life giggle like a dumb, fat kid who’s the bully at school only because he can beat others up. A good friend suggested a song a few days ago, I told her I was going to listen to it but like I said, I just couldn’t get up to do anything except for the usual stuff. So last night, I did something which undoubtedly lifts my spirit and puts a smile on my face. I grabbed my ipod, stepped into our terrace and started searching the sky. If there was one thing I could never get tired of, it was star gazing.
So the song started to play – it was a beautiful track from an album by Miles Davis (a jazz musician) – and my search continued. I was paying attention to the song but I was desperately trying to spot the tiniest twinkling thing on the huge black sky. I couldn’t. Not one single star. I don’t remember when this last happened that I couldn’t spot a single star. I was beginning to give up, again. The activity which was supposed to lift my mood was playing hide and seek.
I knew a star wouldn’t just pop out of the sky and cheer me up but I still kept waiting as if something magical was going to happen and I will have a tale to tell! 3 more songs went by on my ipod and no smiley star as yet.. I believed that fate had chosen for me to remain depressed for a few more days, hence I walked back inside my room.
I started fixing my things for work the next day and kept wondering why there were no stars today?! Not a single one?! Not one star when I thought it was the only thing that could cheer me up? Moaning all the way I dragged myself to finish my work and then offer my prayers. In my prayers, other than my usual discussion and childish claims with Allah, I kept complaining about why couldn’t a few stars appear so that I could get out of this horrible mood? I don’t know why I didn’t ask the Big Guy to just fix everything for me, instead I couldn’t get over asking for some stars?! I guess I prayed less and complained more last night.
After dinner, I tucked myself in bed and started reading a book. I didn’t realize where it came from but I suddenly noticed water beside the bed on the floor. I tried to find out where the water was coming from but failed to spot the source. The level of water began to rise and I panicked. I frantically called my sisters, my mom, my dad but no one seemed to take notice. I got off the bed and within two seconds the whole scenario around me transformed. I knew I was dreaming. Despite that one assurance I could still feel my heart pounding out of my chest. I still didn’t understand.
I saw my entire family. My uncles, aunts and cousins. I was standing before a huge swimming pool and everyone was in there – playing and having a good time. I was afraid to step down into the pool. I didn’t seem to be enjoying too much while everyone else was partying away. I remember that my sister came to me and told me to come into the pool. So I took her hand and began to walk forward. The sun had almost set and I wanted to step out of the pool. It was getting dark. I don’t remember seeing my sister after that thought came to my mind and I also noticed that I was almost in the middle of the pool now. What I do remember is that I saw two cats. :S yeah I know.. To my surprise, I wasn’t too shocked to see them swim like crocodiles in the swimming pool and you bet they were having a great time!
I kept walking and eventually I was the only one left in the pool. I saw my family members and a few close friends this time who were standing outside having a good time, eating and relaxing. I wanted to get out of the pool too except for I didn’t know how to. The pool was so big and I couldn’t find any edges to climb out from. So I just stood there not knowing what to do. I know at that time I secretly wished to wake up. As night fell, I noticed something glitter in the water. Suddenly a friend who was standing outside called out my name and asked me why I looked so confused. I told him I wanted to get out of the pool at which he cracked up laughing. The next moment I was standing outside facing the pool. I was out? Yup, I sure was except for I didn’t know how. But atleast I was out of that weird creepy place with cats swimming around! I still saw no means of an entrance/exit but I was thankful that I was out. I don’t remember having a conversation with anyone after I was out of the swimming pool but I do remember feeling relaxed. I remember looking at my friend and I remember his smile. Normally, I’d smile back – but I didn’t, I was probably too confused and so I kept staring right back at him. He gradually looked upwards and I merely followed his sight. In millions I’m sure – there they were, what I had been looking for and complaining about – there were millions of stars. Taken aback in shock I immediately woke up; it was 4.50 am. My surroundings were exactly how I had left them.
I stayed awake for about half an hour wondering what I had seen and what it meant. That sight was breath taking. I had never seen so many stars at once. The thought made me smile. I decided not to think further and go back to sleep. I didn’t want to derive logic from something so magical. I didn’t want to think why I saw what I saw. I didn’t want to think whether or not there was meaning behind this. I didn’t want to think what those cats were doing in a nearly perfect dream?! 😛 I just wanted to hold onto that one moment after that smile.
Life is a mean, fat child but it’s dumb too – it only laughs because it has the power to throw tricks at you. But we have more than just the ability to juggle with its lame jokes, we can master the tricks and not be laughed at. We can logically derive our way out of every maze, out of every phase – we only need to believe that time is on our side and it will pass, leaving life’s lame jokes to be part of the past. Only if we move on with time, will we be able to look back and laugh at how childish those tricks were. Sorry life, but better luck next time! 🙂
I’m not sure if I’ve gotten back to feeling all ‘geared up’ yet, but I definitely feel happier. All that water, all those people, that ‘I know what’s going to cheer you up’ smile and then those countless stars. I know my complains last night were heard and answered, now I wish I had prayed a little more.
Sometimes I wish we could take a trip far away
Leave all this trouble and heartache and pain for another day
I will search for that place but till I find it all I can say is…
Live every moment and love everday
Cuz before you know it, you’re precious time slips away
– Live Every Moment, Rea Speedwagon