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Deriving logic out of bedlam..

Day 10 – Letter to someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like

This is probably the most certain choice I’ve made so far in this letter business..

To Him,

There are definitely a lot of things that I may not blab out here..but this place is my escape right? Where I let go of things I don’t want to keep in. (I have to admit, I like this whole letter business even though I’m not too punctual with writing on a daily basis..) Anyway..

There’s so much going around these days. I’ve been mentally drafting this letter out since day before yesterday and every time I came up with a different central idea for this letter.. At first I thought I’d just keep it short and say something like ‘You and I have private conversations. So *hush hush*, *winks*, Love, Mehar’ and then I thought maybe I’ll write about how you’re always watching over everyone selflessly and I think it’s a hell of a job to do, take a vacation?.. and then I thought maybe I’ll just quote a few events of my life which brought me closer to you .. but each one of these topics weren’t satisfactory enough. I really didn’t know what to say to you.. so I decided to look around ..

The other day I was sitting with my family having dinner and I learnt about a family that was completely falling apart. Parents, kids .. everyone.. each headed their own way, dealing their respective degrees of helplessness and depression and posing to be doing just fine. It’s so hard to acknowledge a horrible incident happening to someone who’s close to you… It just made me so angry..like how you let slip everything from your own hands and then just stand to face the music helplessly..but then I realized that  I couldn’t gulp it down.

Last week, my mom answered a phone call from a man who must be around 70 years old .. who’s nearly blind.. who has severe back issues.. and a wife to look after because she’s suffering with the Parkinson’s disease. And he called to inform us that his sister died that afternoon and he couldn’t go see her because she lived in another country.. so that’s why he couldn’t visit his only sister when she was dying AND not because he had so much going on in his own life… Do you see how such people work? Do you? I can’t begin to imagine having that much will power on any day of my entire life!

Then day before yesterday, ok this really shook me up, I was on my way to work chatting with my dad about how in this life everything moves in a circle. Whatever you throw at others, comes all the way back and smacks you in the face! Like always. Well that being said, I don’t mean to point out only the bad things you do.. what comes back to your face could be a life saving favor from a complete stranger, a bunch of nice warm words from the person you thought you hated etc.. it’s like life’s thumb rule; you get what you give. So as we went on with our little morning chit chat, while my dad was driving on an extremely busy road, I suddenly see this motorcyclist slip in middle of the traffic. He swung a good 360 degrees to face all the incoming cars and that’s when I noticed that right behind him was one of my country’s most feared vehicle – a bus. Yes you heard it. A bus is ‘feared’ because almost 99.9% of the times it is driven by some crazy drunk driver who thinks he’s riding a Ferrari. I knew I was about to witness a horrific accident which would result in one person’s death and a ‘hit and run’ case. But that, fortunately, didn’t happen. The bus driver somehow managed to swing his Ferrari to the left side of the road (surprisingly not killing 10 other people).. and a few cars pulled up to stop the traffic until that guy stood up on his feet and moved to the safe end of the road. Magical? I believe it was.

Those three things are just a few of what I noticed right after I decided to look around; and they are all pretty crazy I tell you.

When I fell ill a few weeks back and I couldn’t stand up straight because everything around me would swing as if I just got off a merry-go-round which made 25 revolutions per second.. I’ll tell you what, I was pretty scared. I had no control of what was going on and no one could seem to fix my world from .. well .. spinning? I absolutely hate being helpless. But then again, I’m only human right?.. how often do I even think about how helpless I can be at times? I’m too busy being all arrogant and proud of how I deserve everything I have and how I have the right to treat others like crap because .. I am me? I am powerful and heck is there anyone out there who can control my life?! Moments like those call for a reality check.

I talk to you often, we both know that. And I talk to you about everything that comes to my mind.. sometimes it’s all about ‘please let me kill one person! Please, please, oh pretty please!’. It’s great talking to you and I feel like I’ve been heard and understood every single time we talk but every time that I decide to take a look around, you give a million things to think about.. to talk about.. to learn from. I start feeling so small all over again. So small, that it literally gives me the shivers inside. Despite of all the comfort I find in talking to you, I suddenly don’t know how to face you… what to say.. what to ask for..

I cry about my career life being a drag, I cry about living in a country where every time you switch the news channel on and ten people died due to some blast, you say ‘oh thank god it’s only TEN this time…’.. I cry about having to work so hard for an exam when I could’ve been partying like everyone else.. I whine so much about almost EVERYTHING that doesn’t even count in the end! What is this a joke? My life may not be all great but at least I’m not the one whose family is falling apart and they can’t do anything about it.. atleast I am not the one who’s blind and can barely walk and is confined to one room and has to take care for his partner when he should be having 2 people nursing him and at least I am not the one who was lucky enough to escape death by a second just because that one bus driver did not want to easily run over a motorcyclist and escape. No, I’m not the one. I’m the one, sitting in my lavish house, leaning against two extremely soft pillows on the kind of bed I got made on order, in my room, with a cup of tea that my housekeeper just made for me! What the hell am I ever crying about?!

I feel awful. I feel so awfully small and selfish God. There’s nothing that You haven’t blessed me with and all my thank yous will always be so empty unless I don’t look around more often.

I couldn’t plan a topic for this letter .. I just looked around .. and I hope I can learn to live a complain free, gratuitous life for one simple reason, with one single thought.. that instead of all those people around me, it could’ve been me or someone I love, I feel really bad for them and I pray that everyone leads a good life but I need to be thankful because You didn’t choose to put me there. So thank you God. Thank you for everything.

Love,

Mehar

 

Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
I haven’t done this in a while
So I don’t know what to say but
Lord, I feel so small sometimes in this big ol’ place
Yeah, I know theres more important things, but
Don’t forget to remember me… – Carrie Underwood

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Day 9 – Letter to someone I wish to meet

Since I’ve been watching HIMYM season after season after season for the past 4 days I can’t think of anyone better than Barney Stinson to write this letter to.. that man is plain AWESOME! 😛

Dear Barney,

Wadddduupp?! I love your show and there are no second thoughts about this but you’ve taken this sitcom to an entirely new level.. one that happens to be legen….. wait for it… dary!! *high five*

So apart from being your awesome self I must say you are the casanova of the show.. the fact that you never silence out for anyone (not even for your allegedly best friend Ted) is absolutely inspirational. You’re lame yet hilarious and that is a difficult combination to carry. Apart from your idea of ‘having fun’ I think you’ve brought great conformity through this show.. to begin with, a lot of guys think suiting up is cool because of you. Even though I’m not someone who judges other people utterly by their looks but hey! You’re right when you emphasize on the ‘Suit up!’ because technically, the first impression does count – what else do you know about the person except for how he/she looks?! So yeah, it’s important to look nice and presentable at all times and you’re a walking example of how people can have a blast even when they are suited up.

You’re confidence and determination can sometimes be crazyy impressive and well it’s almost always pretty lame.. like in that one episode where you had a bet with Marshall that you could be as awesome as you are even when you hit 80! And then when you guys were at Stella’s place and no one would give you that badly needed fist punch..

 

And what I love most about you is how you just CAN’T get over yourself!

Your standard letter to whoever is the resident... =P

 

 

You listen to your friends, you’re there for them in fun and trouble, you make them laugh and you put them in alot of mess but – and that’s a pretty huge but – no matter what you’re NEVER sorry for a single minute that you’ve lived! Now that is pretty awesome and I totally envy you for being that way.

 

 

Even though I have some super crazy friends but I wish I had a friend like you – okay I need to put a break to this I’m being way too naive here.. but… who cares?!! *high five* 😉

Love,

Mehar

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I am certainly certain about this..

For days I have been pondering upon a single question and wanting to write about it – why is every damn thing in life so uncertain? We all know it but can’t live with it. I sometimes really wish there were some things that could be certainly stated – apart from stuff like ‘if you preset your oven at 5000 degrees Celsius, the cake WILL burn!’. I mean certainty for stuff like, if I sleep tonight will I be getting up tomorrow? If I shop and spend half of my earnings on preparing for a party, will it not rain that day? If I work my life out for an exam, will I make it? Nothing .. almost nothing can be said with certainty right?

I’d like to think of myself as a patient person – one who focuses on working hard and not caring about what the consequences will be like – but in all honesty, I begin to squirm at the very thought of uncertainty. When I was at the end of my O’levels I was uncertain about what subjects I should take for my A levels.. then A levels happened and I was all blank about what career path to choose.. all that I was ‘certain’ about was that I did not want to do a Bachelors in Business Administration (why not? I’m still figuring that out…) but other than that one certainty.. *clueless* and here I am today, reaching almost 2 years of professional life as a corporate lawyer. Crazy isn’t it how life functions?!

I wish I was more of a person who let their minds float in a carefree manner.. Someone who questioned less and caressed every approaching day with a free mind.. at times I wish I was Forrest Gump; to be able to live on a breeze and wait till the wind took you somewhere so that you could settle down. Wouldn’t that mean to really believe in each moment? To the contrary, I constantly calculate and weigh out pros and cons and waste my life planning out for every step that I’m supposed to take making sure it all looks perfect in the end! It’s all part of being realistic and practical and mature… yeah I agree but hey! If you ought to think about a million things before you ‘plan’ to sneeze, then why is it that as soon as the slightest quiver hits the terrain you double back for your safety zone? It happens to me all the time.. I just can’t stand if things tend to derail from my ‘planned out’ platform. It drives me crazy and gives me a nervous breakdown. Wow that kinda rhymed…

It sums up to the fact that in the midst of all the planning and cautiously taking each step, our temper to deal with uncertainty has only weakened. So now it’s more like in trying to cater to one problem we’ve given rise to a few more…

For someone like me, who has idea after idea after idea of what to do in the next five hours I guess I can safely conclude that reaching a destination has become more of whatever satisfies me rather than a ‘noble achievement’ for which I’ve been planning endlessly. This belief has been etched in my mind now that I know that certainty is a false phenomenon. Its existence is only in the form that we give to it. So my bumpy sea of thoughts are free to wander around.. some might settle down for a piece of achievement others would probably feed on it.

I’m not sure where I read this, but it’s true, that great risks must be offset by the chance of great rewards. Your keyword there is ‘chance’ – embracing that hint of uncertainty? Try it.

Here are a few things that happen to be certain in my life;

  • My ipod is almost 4 years old and I still love it
  • I cannot stop myself from spending all my money to save my life; but I will save enough to travel the world one day – yup that’s a damn certainty!
  • I hate, and will always do, getting up in the morning
  • And finally the most important, two years old, certainty that I came to realize happened last night when I was busy studying for an exam and my dad offered me to tag along with him to visit my older sister. Since I was busy studying… I agreed to accompany my parents in less than half a second! In the two hours that I spent at my sister’s place I was constantly thinking of the whole ‘uncertainty sucks’ ideology. If I sleep will I wake up? If I work hard will I ever get a promotion? Etc etc.. But the one thing that was so damn certain was how my day could be filled with a million little giggles whenever I was with my nephew. Nothing seemed to matter in those two hours yesterday. I loved running around the house with him.. I enjoyed each of his pointless, filled-with-curiosity questions to which I had no answer to… I loved cuddling up on the corner of the sofa and watching baby-tv with him and screaming out the names of shapes and colors… his little giggles were so much louder than all those screams of uncertainty. I didn’t care about my job or my exam or any other errand that could possibly exist in my life.. whenever I’m around him it’s as if I’m on a trip to wonderland.

Hence, what is certain is that if you don’t set a limit on the time you spend working for something/someone.. be it studies or job or discovering a hobby or approaching other avenues of life, one day you will eventually come face to face with that one thing or that one moment which satisfies you. Even if you’ve probably never considered it to be a part of your ‘planned out’ life you’ll realize how it will put your mind off everything else for which you’ve been working day in and day out.. And once you encounter that one thing, that one moment… you’ll know, like I knew yesterday, that being happy is all that matters…

You make my day .. any day! Aanii loves you to bits baby..

 

 

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#5

 

The broken clock is a comfort

It helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can start tomorrow

From stealing all my time…

And I am here still waiting

Though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best

Like you’ve already figured out…

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You ‘PING’ my life with laughter.. =P

The ‘green gooey thing’ you suggested for my title.. seriously?! Jerk. You ought to love my title! 😀

Letter to my Favourite Internet Friend

The word favorite is just unfair. It’s like mocking someone saying ‘Sorrrrrryyyy but he’s better!’.. So I’ll just skip that word while drafting this letter out..

Moving on, to be honest, I don’t really have an internet friend if it’s supposed to be someone who I happen to know only in cyberspace. Being part of chat rooms and talking to random people across the globe about nothing close to a lucid conversation happened during the time I was celebrating my 12th birthday! And then reality kicked in..

Sooo, this letter is for a someone who I haven’t met since I graduated from law school and now we happen to talk only on the internet… or well bbm..

Dear You.. no wait a minute.. there’s been too many ‘U’s’ in this letter business.. umm.. S.B.. haha.. yup that’s the right nick name!

Dear S.B,

Despite of doing different degrees at grad school we ran into each other about three years ago.. and I must tell you that it’s been absolutely crazy knowing you..! (in all good sense of course :P)

I can’t believe I’m writing to you! Aaarrghh all the importance! This shall pester me for life..!

Ok, so the nice stuff.. *smiles/blinks* .. I know what you’re saying… ‘those big biiggg eyes!’ ji ji bilkul .. *nods*.. okay, *clears throats – drums roll – andddd here we go*

You’re clearly one of the funniest people I know; there’s no better way to start this. Whenever I’m talking to you, I laugh endlessly… and I want to thank you for that. It’s hard being so selfless and making people laugh even if you’re going through a rough patch in your own life .. and I’ve seen you do it and I try and learn from you. You’re definitely the biggest perv I happen to know as well..! 😛 (this would never be complete without mentioning that quality of yours :D) The way your mind can work sometimes is beyond belief and creepy yet absolutely hilarious. I don’t know how you manage it buddy but two thumbs up!!

There have been so many conversations we’ve had over the past two years (on the internet, my dear internet frraand) where I’ve hardly been able to type out a decent reply because you kept making me laugh too hard. Throwing in random songs, talking about imaginary incidents, random youtube videos, telling me that an Asian guy in your class got chased by a few people and then.. aah why did I even believe you! … dude that story was NOT cool, I genuinely felt bad for the kid. 😛

I remember once we were talking and I was tired and low after a long day work and you were in your usual ‘I don’t need Redbull to give me wings! weeeeeeee’ state of mind.. and because we weren’t having the usual two way laughter fit traffic that day, you came up with something that still cheers me up.. I received an email from you while we were talking and I was like wth is this?! And you insisted that I checked the email then and there.. the email had a picture of a house and some trees surrounding it..and I was like okayyyyy so what the hell is this? And you said ‘I just took this picture from where I’m sitting – so essentially you and I are looking at the exact same thing right now even though we’re miles apart’. That one email, one picture lifted my mood for the rest of the day. It made me smile. Thank you.

Be it through your weird teaching techniques but you’ve literally embedded the belief in my mind that no matter what we go through in life the world doesn’t owe us anything. We will never be able to make others pay us back if we continue living our own life in misery; constantly belittling ourselves.   That we have a million things to rejoice about every minute of every day and that we can easily spend two hours laughing nonstop – anytime.

For someone like you, I would not have been surprised if you were a complete spoiled brat. You have every reason to be – an only child at home, money, family business, living alone abroad, a totally pervy mind :P… but I totally admire you for being a sober, rational person who always carries a hefty dose of entertainment for everyone! I admire you for how you respect your family, how you give them time even though you’re all on your own trying to deal with a masters degree! I admire you for how you respect traditions and cultures and despite of travelling across the globe you still value your roots. I admire you for how you respect and practice religion. I can’t think of anyone of your age who would sit in my Islamic law class, even when they’re not part of the degree, just to learn about Islamic jurisdiction….and of course crack inevitable LAME jokes about my name being ‘mehar’ *raises eyebrow and charges to kill you!* Seriously, it’s not easy balancing life out like that with a sense of humor… *respect*

You’ve reinstated the belief in me that out there, in this ever changing world, there still exists a whole realm of people who are living their life the right way; who are thankful for what they have and who are struggling to make the most of what they’ve been given. Always stay the same and keep crafting the little lessons of life through your being which I hope people see the way I do and find a reason to always smile.

Thank you for being a great friend S.B!

Love,

Mehar

P.s I hope you had your milk and cookies while reading this 😉

30 day Letter Challenge

Knowing a stranger

Day 6 – Letter to a stranger

Dear Stranger,

When I was a kid my parents spoon fed me with clear instructions about meeting people I didn’t know… ‘Never get into a conversation with a stranger. Strangers are bad, they can be dangerous. Never accept anything from a stranger.. not even a chocolate.’ And those last few words would always break my heart.. that’s a free chocolate bar.. gone.

But with time I experienced how complete strangers could sometimes morph into great friends. People I know today, were strangers not too long ago. Our first few meetings and conversations may have been calculated and hesitant but it’s done wonders in certain cases – to those strangers, I’ll always treasure running into to you!

There will be so many more strangers that I will meet in the coming years. To some it will be easy to talk, in some I may see a potential friend and some will always … well, remain strangers. I may share a lot of habits or hobbies with some people out there and yet never get to know them. Whereas, a stranger and I may have unseen bonds….some sort of an invisible attraction that forces us to get to know each other. I await meeting all of you one day.. and maybe we can be more than mere strangers to each other.

But you, dear stranger, I see you everyday. Yes we meet every day and we spend an unbelievable time together.. but it’s irrefutable how much of a stranger you still are to me.. and probably will always be. With each day you grow, you learn and I sense an extra line of maturity on your face which shall one day turn into a wrinkle. We’ve been so close and yet you surprise me. You surprise me with how you face a new day. You surprise me with what you say sometimes. You surprise me with how you think sometimes. Just when I decide that you are gentle, I find you getting upset over a petty issue. Just when I decide that you have immense faith in God, I find you getting reckless and impatient. Each day that I spend with you somehow bridges the gap that exists between a stranger and someone you know and yet, you surprise me. So I guess this is how it’ll always be. I will continue to discover a new side of you with every passing day. I’m glad I have you, I’m glad we feel the same way and I’m sure one day we’ll be friends….

To confront you seemed impossible

I was told that you don’t exist

But I was sure that you were here somewhere..

Talking to you today, was worth taking the risk..

 

I wanted to run away from the thought of you

Your existence, from your very being…

 

But I can’t run away, I can’t ignore you..

Then why try escaping someone you’re always seeing..

 

Could I turn back and never look at you?

Could I tell you everything that I had ever thought of you..?

 

How I once felt you were all that I needed

How I had felt your embrace..

How it seemed that there could be nothing better..

Than your being, your faith, your grace..

 

But I saw your passion turn into a quiver

I sometimes saw you leaping that line of grace

From someone impressive you sometimes turned ugly

With every beat of life, I saw you losing your pace..

 

You seem so lost, so frustrated, so hollow

And I don’t even know you, then why should I follow

 

But whether you like it or not I have the option to quit

To leave you behind and move away for a bit

 

So I came before you for a final goodbye

You,  stranger, would you now say something? Something that’s not a lie..

 

But not a single word came out..

Just a contemptible sigh..

And I felt your swift smile..It was then that I asked ‘why?’..

 

And stranger, that’s when you told me

I hated how easily you spoke..

You showed me where I was standing

And that’s when my arrogance broke

 

As confused as I could possibly be, I attempted to look around..

In an empty room, was where I found myself

Lying before a mirror, lifeless on the ground..

 

An impossible encounter was suddenly making sense..

For the first time ever I looked straight into your eye..

Without any fear and without a clue

And I heard you in clearer words this time

Saying that you’re not a stranger but that I have always been you..

– Mehar…

30 day Letter Challenge

Floating Euphoria

You see things and you say, ‘Why?’. But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’ – George Bernard Shaw

Day 5 – Letter to my dreams

Dear dreams,

Seldom do you visit me at nights (and I must admit, I prefer my uninterrupted sleep) but you are my reason to hop out of bed every morning. My endeavor is to follow each one of you or the ideas you implant in my mind. Even if it’s in my own little world, I’m soaring with every passing day because of you..

In your rare visits you choose to make no sense to me most of the times and I wish I could recall more of you. I’m often trying to capture that one thing that appears in sharp detail in my dreams amongst the surrounding chaos and this exercise tires me. But sometimes you visit me just when I need you to come. You come with a sign or a message and you leave me with a smile on my face and a peaceful sleep. There are times when I wish I could reach up and touch you.. you give me the desire to step up and do something beyond my forte. You give me hopes, you give me restless sleeps but most of all you give me a reason to wake up every morning.. you give me my goals in the form of dreams..

To those dreams:

You and I share an ethereal relationship.. One where we own each other in our respective ways that only we know..  I have you locked away in some corner of my mind.. my heart and even then it is you who writes out my daily agenda and I merely follow. It is because of your constant presence that I wake up thinking that I must do something today in order to step closer to accomplishment. I have my arms stretched forth waiting to hold the various pictures that you’ve shown me and I promise you that I will continue to work towards owning them one day.

Nothing seems crazy when you know how to dream; when you can dare to dream. I remember how I laughed at myself the first time I was told to join Art class. ‘Drawing and colouring pictures?! You’ve got to be kidding me!’.. and then the whole joke seemed perfectly sensible the next morning just because my mind whispered ‘Sketching is it? That’s what I want to do!’ and regardless of my likes/dislikes or the opportunities surrounding me, I believed that if I woke up wanting to do something then I should do it simply because I can!

You’ve given me hopes, you’ve given me ideas, you’ve given me the strength to change my dreams into my reality but most of all you’ve turned me into someone who dares to dream day in and day out.

Life would be no fun if all the mysteries of tomorrow were allowed to run free. There would be no charm in succeeding each one of your dreams. In conquering what you professed to be an idea, a mere thought.

It is impossible for me to overlook you and I will never stop in striving to reach you. I get so impatient at times and all that I want to do is pray for you with my eyes closed and watch you come to life in front of me.

Whatever bit I have achieved has already bypassed expectations and for whatever there is to come .. we’ll let time unfold it’s surprises. I hope we can turn all my abstract goals into tangible achievements one day and till then.. sweet dreams to you and me..

Mehar

Chase your dreams till they are truly yours..