Day 10 – Letter to someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like
This is probably the most certain choice I’ve made so far in this letter business..
There are definitely a lot of things that I may not blab out here..but this place is my escape right? Where I let go of things I don’t want to keep in. (I have to admit, I like this whole letter business even though I’m not too punctual with writing on a daily basis..) Anyway..
There’s so much going around these days. I’ve been mentally drafting this letter out since day before yesterday and every time I came up with a different central idea for this letter.. At first I thought I’d just keep it short and say something like ‘You and I have private conversations. So *hush hush*, *winks*, Love, Mehar’ and then I thought maybe I’ll write about how you’re always watching over everyone selflessly and I think it’s a hell of a job to do, take a vacation?.. and then I thought maybe I’ll just quote a few events of my life which brought me closer to you .. but each one of these topics weren’t satisfactory enough. I really didn’t know what to say to you.. so I decided to look around ..
The other day I was sitting with my family having dinner and I learnt about a family that was completely falling apart. Parents, kids .. everyone.. each headed their own way, dealing their respective degrees of helplessness and depression and posing to be doing just fine. It’s so hard to acknowledge a horrible incident happening to someone who’s close to you… It just made me so angry..like how you let slip everything from your own hands and then just stand to face the music helplessly..but then I realized that I couldn’t gulp it down.
Last week, my mom answered a phone call from a man who must be around 70 years old .. who’s nearly blind.. who has severe back issues.. and a wife to look after because she’s suffering with the Parkinson’s disease. And he called to inform us that his sister died that afternoon and he couldn’t go see her because she lived in another country.. so that’s why he couldn’t visit his only sister when she was dying AND not because he had so much going on in his own life… Do you see how such people work? Do you? I can’t begin to imagine having that much will power on any day of my entire life!
Then day before yesterday, ok this really shook me up, I was on my way to work chatting with my dad about how in this life everything moves in a circle. Whatever you throw at others, comes all the way back and smacks you in the face! Like always. Well that being said, I don’t mean to point out only the bad things you do.. what comes back to your face could be a life saving favor from a complete stranger, a bunch of nice warm words from the person you thought you hated etc.. it’s like life’s thumb rule; you get what you give. So as we went on with our little morning chit chat, while my dad was driving on an extremely busy road, I suddenly see this motorcyclist slip in middle of the traffic. He swung a good 360 degrees to face all the incoming cars and that’s when I noticed that right behind him was one of my country’s most feared vehicle – a bus. Yes you heard it. A bus is ‘feared’ because almost 99.9% of the times it is driven by some crazy drunk driver who thinks he’s riding a Ferrari. I knew I was about to witness a horrific accident which would result in one person’s death and a ‘hit and run’ case. But that, fortunately, didn’t happen. The bus driver somehow managed to swing his Ferrari to the left side of the road (surprisingly not killing 10 other people).. and a few cars pulled up to stop the traffic until that guy stood up on his feet and moved to the safe end of the road. Magical? I believe it was.
When I fell ill a few weeks back and I couldn’t stand up straight because everything around me would swing as if I just got off a merry-go-round which made 25 revolutions per second.. I’ll tell you what, I was pretty scared. I had no control of what was going on and no one could seem to fix my world from .. well .. spinning? I absolutely hate being helpless. But then again, I’m only human right?.. how often do I even think about how helpless I can be at times? I’m too busy being all arrogant and proud of how I deserve everything I have and how I have the right to treat others like crap because .. I am me? I am powerful and heck is there anyone out there who can control my life?! Moments like those call for a reality check.
I talk to you often, we both know that. And I talk to you about everything that comes to my mind.. sometimes it’s all about ‘please let me kill one person! Please, please, oh pretty please!’. It’s great talking to you and I feel like I’ve been heard and understood every single time we talk but every time that I decide to take a look around, you give a million things to think about.. to talk about.. to learn from. I start feeling so small all over again. So small, that it literally gives me the shivers inside. Despite of all the comfort I find in talking to you, I suddenly don’t know how to face you… what to say.. what to ask for..
I cry about my career life being a drag, I cry about living in a country where every time you switch the news channel on and ten people died due to some blast, you say ‘oh thank god it’s only TEN this time…’.. I cry about having to work so hard for an exam when I could’ve been partying like everyone else.. I whine so much about almost EVERYTHING that doesn’t even count in the end! What is this a joke? My life may not be all great but at least I’m not the one whose family is falling apart and they can’t do anything about it.. atleast I am not the one who’s blind and can barely walk and is confined to one room and has to take care for his partner when he should be having 2 people nursing him and at least I am not the one who was lucky enough to escape death by a second just because that one bus driver did not want to easily run over a motorcyclist and escape. No, I’m not the one. I’m the one, sitting in my lavish house, leaning against two extremely soft pillows on the kind of bed I got made on order, in my room, with a cup of tea that my housekeeper just made for me! What the hell am I ever crying about?!
I feel awful. I feel so awfully small and selfish God. There’s nothing that You haven’t blessed me with and all my thank yous will always be so empty unless I don’t look around more often.
I couldn’t plan a topic for this letter .. I just looked around .. and I hope I can learn to live a complain free, gratuitous life for one simple reason, with one single thought.. that instead of all those people around me, it could’ve been me or someone I love, I feel really bad for them and I pray that everyone leads a good life but I need to be thankful because You didn’t choose to put me there. So thank you God. Thank you for everything.
Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
I haven’t done this in a while
So I don’t know what to say but
Lord, I feel so small sometimes in this big ol’ place
Yeah, I know theres more important things, but
Don’t forget to remember me… – Carrie Underwood