the only anodyne

She stumbles to decipher the code.. Just for a little while.. let her lean against the rough yet firm bark of this huge oak tree… oh my, winter seems to have ended.. for there are some tiny buds eager to sprout into beautiful, scented flowers…Just for a little while.. let her rest here in peace..

She struggles to stand straight after another resurrection. Yet again… She stumbles to decipher His code. Is it her stubborn nature or has there been a celestial change in His coded plans…again? Let her rest now, just for a little while..

Who is to ever tell her the reason behind the altering shapes, colors, feelings, faces.. who is to ever tell her why?.. Without any answers to her everlasting curiosity she is expected to waltz away from her past and swing in like a ballerina into the vagueness of tomorrow. She would rather let her bleeding toes heal and never question the immaculate dichotomy of the ‘why’ and ‘how’..She’d rather rest .. just for little while..

What is existence but an up shot of destiny’s brutal tricks?..Look at her,  so vulnerable, so fragile..so easily hurt.. more easily healed. A mesmerizing mixture of a beautiful pain? Searching for what.. striving for who?.. Oh my, her bleeding toes.. if only I could caress you with fresh red petals from the prettiest rose.. but we must wait.. for winter has just ended..we must endure patience, my love.

Patience such as there is in the delicacy of weaving trust and emotions into human lives. Patience such as the fragile moment where life and death themselves are at par with each other; the slightest hasty stroke will push one to either side.. This time is the longest wait, I promise. The most precarious event in your healing.

Just breathe my love.. look up at the massive oak tree.. feel it’s rough bark on your bleeding palms and let it heal you from within.. effortlessly..cautiously. Close those tired eyelids now and picture long linen curtains..blowing in and out as you breath .. gaze into the warmth of your heart.. forgive wherever you can.. don’t let your tears distract you .. don’t worry about your bleeding toes.. don’t try too hard today.. don’t test your strength, not today.. For you have just been resurrected, so take it easy and slow; you are as fragile as a fetus in a womb…

Don’t listen to the clock that ticks.. hide it well out of sight.. work with patience; that’s all you have.. and redefine yourself.. Breathe in the smell of the fresh buds and the rough oak bark.. Let yourself heal.. You are tired yet eager.. bleeding yet strong.. So just take baby steps for you don’t have the strength today to take much more… rest for a while now… just rest for a little while, till spring comes.. and with those buds..you shall bloom..


30 day Letter Challenge

insanity makes sense when i’m with you =)

Letter 16 – Someone that’s not in your state/country

My dearest Memi!

Sweetheart, without a doubt, you are really.. really.. like super wala really stupid! Why would I bbm you at 12.30 in the night and say ‘Can you guess what I’m thinking? The next letter has to be to someone who’s not in my country’ .. and to make it further obvious I even put a smiley in the end! Jerk!

But man… I’d love to write a letter to Ahmedinejad… It would be so cool if I knew that he’ll read it.. *smiles-dreaming – smiles*

August 2003.. I remember entering the classroom with some friends and since the teacher wasn’t there I sat on one of the desks and said ‘So all the new comers, raise your hands please?’ and around 5-6 hands flew up in the air.. and then I said ‘So how do you want the ragging to begin?’ .. I don’t know what happened next but I clearly remember smiling back to this one beaming face sitting in the front row of the class laughing boldly at my pathetic joke.. I had no idea we’d come this far..

Apart from running around in school to singing in the cafeteria to dancing at that ONE song of ours 14 times in a go (I can’t name the song here, people WILL judge us! Haha) The madness just never seems to stop and it’s absolutely brilliant!

There’s just so much to recall that if I started mentioning every event in a single line I’d still be writing for the entire night..

My birthday surprise.. the only ‘real’ surprise apart from all the mutually planned ones *wink wink* lol

The gigs at my place.. the mad dancing at saad bhai’s wedding.. us stealing Rasha’s car and then my awesome driving skills when it started raining cats and dogs! Hira’s wedding.. all the scary stuff you do when you stay over at my place.. bbqs and hang outs and more dancing .. what the hell?!!  Ah man.. it’s a little scary when you have so many memories with someone.. It’s like your sharing a chunk of life with that person.. All those great times would never be fun to remember or might never have existed had it not been for you..

A lot has changed since the first time we met.. things and places around us, people we knew, our own statuses from being students to graduates to employees.. and there certainly are a million reasons that contributed towards all the changes. When I was beginning to know you, I remember admiring you for several reasons. For one, you made me want to study and achieve good grades 😛 but the best habit of yours that I picked was the regularity in prayers. I have to admit that watching you pray unconditionally, whether we were in school or on a field trip, always motivated me to adhere to my prayers. Then I also recall talking to you for hours about attracting positivity into our lives; about standing firm and strong and everything shall eventually pass by. Stuff like that really uplifts your moral and strengthens you spiritually. There’s so much that I’ve learnt and built upon just by being around a crazy friend in your disguise.

Every time I’d write something you would be one of the first people I’d email my write up to and then I would wait for your feedback. The best thing about sharing my write ups with you is the fact that you don’t say the usual stuff.. I’ve barely ever heard you say ‘Mehar, this is a good piece!’.. you would always compose your thoughts systematically, ensuring that I feel praised for my attempt and in between you would come up with some great ideas on how I can improve what I’ve created – something only a well wisher, a true friend would do. There was only one time when I was taken aback in surprise by you … it was about a year ago, you were over at my place and I asked you to close your eyes and picture what I was going to read out to you.. I had written a monologue and when I finished, you opened your eyes and said ‘Mehar.. that was really hot!’ hahaha! The thought of it makes me laugh because when we got into discussing the different aspects of how that write up could be interpreted by different people, one possibility was it being a dialogue between man and God.. hotness indeed?! 😛

I’ve had this endless smile on my face for the past 15 minutes and now my face kinda hurts =P .. I hate to sum this up but if I must, then I want to tell you that you’re not only a friend that people would die to have, you’re a fun loving and extremely talented person which makes you very deserving in every aspect of life. Never underestimate your capabilities, whatever you can advice and help others with, you can accomplish that for yourself. I know your job drives you nuts but get some time out and tune up your hobbies before they completely rust out. Write more. Sing. Dance. Pamper yourself by doing everything that brings immense joy in your life and gives you a broader sense of accomplishment. You are the only person I know who is as crazy as I am… who dares to dream big and then sets out to grab them with both hands! You are probably the only person who seconds me when I say something absurd like, I believe I can fly it’s just that I don’t try hard enough.. You’re one person who, like me, can gaze at stars all night and sense that unexplainable feeling of protection.. You were the only person who danced on the same song with me for 14 times and enjoyed it till the last minute! Whenever I meet you, I happen to run into the crazy, carefree, adventurous and jumpy child within me and for that, I can’t thank you enough!

I love you with all my heart! See you soon! 😉

30 day Letter Challenge, childhood, happiness

Once Upon a time there were just rainbows..

Letter 15 – the person you miss the most

I have sat for hours trying to think of someone I’ve missed all this while & well, someone to whom I’ve not already written one of these letters to..  The past 10 days have been a thick mixture of good and bad for me; thankfully starting off as bad and then gradually getting better. But one thing I’ve realized in these 10 days is how much I miss a girl I once knew, someone who laughed more often, someone who was carefree and adventurous. Despite of being that girl I can’t seem to find her in my reflection today.

I miss being free, carefree.. I miss saying ‘I’m busy doing nothing!’ and not being depressed about it. I miss being not so tired all the time that I’d fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed. I miss being able to pull all nighters on any given day. I miss when it was harmless to sleep till 4 in the afternoon only to get up and crash on your sofa and watch tv for the rest of the day. I miss experiencing life on my own terms. I miss living a routine free life. I miss being the carefree, stupid girl I once was.

There’s so much seriousness surrounding me today. At work, with friends, with family… I don’t really like it but I neither regret it, probably because I know this won’t change. There are small ‘time-offs’ when you get to see a glimpse of the carefree life; when everyone just lets go for a second and laughs at the lamest joke ever. I wish those moments could last a little longer than a few minutes and if you’re lucky, a few hours. There happens to be too much of everything these days. Like I wrote in one of my earlier posts (Wonderland Syndrome), too many expectations, too many ambitions, too many dreams, too many goals, too many people and too many.. ah, just too many.

In a few months I’ll be turning 24 and it’s hard to believe how sometimes I feel so tired that I want to dump everything and just have a good long vacation; one that does not come with a visa expiry date, preferably. But that’s just stupid.. escape has never been the solution.

My life is pretty happening in its own weird ways and it’d be unfair of me to say that it’s no fun. I meet a new face almost every day, I encounter some sort of challenge at work every now and then and out of these little moments in life, I often happen to get some laughs. But whenever my brain hits the rewind button I can’t help but wonder how tremendously things around me have evolved. There were times when I fought with my sisters for ‘my side of the bed’ and now I just need a place to crash. There were times I’d cherish every new dress I bought and now I grab whatever I get my hands on in the morning and leave for work. There were times when getting homework for three subjects a day gave me the absolute right to hate my teachers and now learning lies in every little experience of every single day! It’s funny yet scary how my mind is occupied all the time, sometimes even when I’m asleep – call me stupid but I dream of screaming at some client when I know I won’t be able to do it for real.

Once upon a time there were just rainbows..

I miss sitting in class, next to my friend, both of us making paper planes because we were just too tired to concentrate to what the teacher had to say. I miss playing ‘It’ at school and then being summoned to the coordinator’s office for creating havoc. I miss being able to say ‘my homework’s done!’; which meant I was free as a bird for the rest of the day.  I miss the days when chocolate, coffee and all the sugar rush actually worked on my body.  I miss the times when all that I was concerned with was coloring the rainbow and not worrying whether or not there’s a pot of gold at the end of it.

Sometimes, I just tend to miss me.

culture, current affairs


A few days ago I was reading a book review in which a phenomenon that existed in the American society back in the 80’s was being discussed. The author of the book, Neil Postman, portrays the impact on a society when media begins to emphasize on entertainment rather than information. He affirmed that people and societies are easily manipulated and subsequently convinced to lose their rights to totalitarianism. The author goes on to theorize that the media’s emphasis on entertainment at the cost of providing actual information to the masses is a silent mechanism of diverting the society from reality. The extent to which ‘infotainment’, how certain scholars have categorized such media, is effective can sometimes go beyond one’s imagination.

While reading the review of ‘Amusing Ourselves to Death’ I couldn’t help but notice the existence of infotainment in our society. With examples like Veena Malik’s appearance in an Indian reality TV show flashing on our TV screens’s as a threat to the Pakistani culture and Islam, I guess we are indeed amusing ourselves to death..

The furor created by our ‘very bold’ journalists/TV show anchors about people’s diatribe against Fashion Week and how every single ant in the government body is corrupted has become a source of entertainment for us. Admit it, however depressing it may rationally be, watching stuff like this on live TV is amusing us to death..

Proud of having a politically free media & unbiased journalism? I ask, where are the benefits of having such freedom if the media, at all, was responsibly playing its role.

Last week I was sad enough to watch a talk show where Veena Malik had been summoned for her ‘unislamic’ behavior and for violating the cultural norms of our utopian society. Her depicted relationship with a hindu man on a mindless, inane Indian show aroused a frenzy amongst TV anchors/columnists/members of the clergy. Throughout the show the actress was lambasted for her mode of dressing and her sense of irresponsibility in upholding cultural values across the border. I, not being a Veena Malik fan myself, condemn the clips from the show that were aired on our TV show but I am forced to question our media when I must witness conflicting opinions. On one hand, you guys are doing an hour long show to inform your viewers about how destructive Indian programs are & on the other hand, airing obnoxious clips from the evil Indian program doesn’t seem to pose any threat or harm to your people in anyway?

One is free to wonder that all these fingers pointing towards an actress for behaving in a certain way in one TV show, were also free to avoid following the antics by simply switching the channel? The only reason I see for such baseless debates about ‘islam ki hifaazat’, ‘behayaee’, ‘ghairat’ is the desire to attract viewership. Like I said, I am not a supporter of Veena Malik, but I was enthralled at how she managed to leave Mufti Saheb tongue tied.

I can’t decide what the reason is behind such innate hypocrisy. I read an article by Mohsin Hamid once (‘Confronting Hypocrisy’), where he talks about the serious implications of this persisting hypocrisy. It surely reflects on why some of our most pressing problems have been pushed into the back while our media and viewers continue to stay obsessed with irrelevant, dramatic stories such as the Veena Malik affair.

I certainly appreciate the kind of ‘cultural/religious correctness’ that is being disseminated by our media but in its attempt to produce anchor after anchor who pose in a typically animated fashion only to dramatize non-issues, the media has swiftly drifted away from what the public should really be listening to.

The kind of hype which was created in the Veena Malik interview, partially because of the derisively unprofessional news anchor, who did not even have the courtesy to address a woman let alone interview one on a TV show, and partially because of the cleric who confidently denounced Veena Malik and yet kept calling her his sister, is seldom seen when real issues are brought to the table. I wonder if our Mufti saheb’s eyebrows raise when numerous Pakistani men cavort with Indian/Hindu women.

There was a story a short while ago about a young woman who was lured away from a hospital in Lahore to see a member of the clergy who, as she was assured, was going to cure her ill husband. Instead, the woman was tied up in a forest in Punjab and auctioned to the highest bidder who would earn the right to rape her for weeks until she was ready for being ‘re-sold’.  One advantage of the floods sweeping across the area was that this woman was able to escape the torture that she was subjected to.

I never saw any TV show about this lady. Perhaps her tormenting tale left everyone unmoved. Perhaps what was done with her is not as much a threat to Islam as compared to Veena Malik cuddling in a blanket with some Indian guy. Perhaps what happens at home comes after what’s going on across the border. Perhaps stories like the one I mentioned or about a 9 year old Christian girl being raped by a Muslim or infants being murdered because they are either illegitimate or are a financial burden do not provoke any moral or ‘un-Islamic’ outrage from our sensible men who host TV shows or happen to be Muftis.  It is impossible not to notice how our own hypocritical and bigoted nature is tearing apart the religious and ethical fabric of our society and yet the equilibrium of very few seems to be disturbed.

When I read reports about how many women are subjected to sexual assault, how many children are murdered day in and day out, how many men are forced to indulge in street crimes only to be able to put bread before their families; I don’t understand why stories like Veena Malik’s affair should concern anyone but herself.  It is heart wrenching that we have been reduced to this and I hope that infotainment can soon be eliminated from our society.

P.s on a lighter note, here’s an epic video (courtesy: a good friend who takes pictures of people wearing red shoes :P) & Ms. Veena Malik: I’m not a fan but for that interview you gave – respect!