dreams, happiness, hope, memories

Break through

You saw a bird and you liked it. You gave her a cage made of gold. A cage it was after all.

For a while she loved her new apparently luxurious home but then her loneliness began haunting her. You used to shake the cage up vigorously and swing it around in huge circles. You didn’t let the bird hold on to a corner; you didn’t let her get some sleep. At first she thought you loved her and maybe this was one of your ways of expressing your love. So initially she smiled and believed that you were playing around but then she began to worry a little because you never seemed to stop and eventually the pain became unbearable. Annoyed of all the disturbances and anguish that you bestowed, the bird began to put up her fight. She fought to shut you up for a while. She fought to make you realize. She fought to get some mercy. She screamed at and wrestled with the iron bars of your golden cage; she screamed and wrestled in despair. None of those bars ever moved an inch. They all just teased the bird who was locked in their painful embrace.

Pleading for mercy was her next resort. She cried and begged to get some peace or be set free but nothing, nothing melted those iron bars. Nothing melted your heart either. You seemed pretentious but you showed no sympathy.

Then one day the cage stopped shaking. The noise and the screams and swirling around in circles – everything just stopped. All the chaos had suddenly vanished. And just when the bird slightly peeked out of its wings, the iron bars began to slide sideways. Quickly she hid behind her wings again, scared of what might be coming towards her. One minute passed -two and then three. Nothing came. Nothing hurt her. The serenity was creepy but it prevailed.

As careful as she could be, the bird dared to peek once more. Her vision of the world was for once, not hindered by the iron bars. She saw right through the open door of her cage and the world was so endless, so clear that she almost wanted to jump forward and take a bite of it. After all, this was so close to the sense of freedom that she had been longing for.

But doubts and fear incapacitated her sense of being. She couldn’t help but ask herself over and over again ‘Could this be another trap? Will I be fooled again that this pain is an expression of love?’. Despite the world calling for her to step out and fly away, the bird quietly crawled backwards and refused to escape. She had the opportunity all along but she had deceived herself way too much to risk any further damage. What fate had to bring to her, she couldn’t deny so she sat back quietly and became fate’s most loyal spectator. She cautiously observed her surrounding and then her eyes would come back to the open door of the cage. She looked around at the iron bars waiting for them to snap back at her with one of their ugly tricks. But nothing happened. She looked again and again but they seemed to have fallen asleep. It was as if someone had pulled the plug out and everything had come to rest.

She still didn’t believe this calmness. She tried to listen to every molecule that swung around her head. She waited patiently – one breath at a time – always ready for the next attack – always letting fear prevail; the fear of not knowing why you are getting hurt.

Days passed by but the iron bars didn’t close back. The cage still did not shake. Nothing hurt her. There was complete silence all around. Her eyelids began to close – perhaps they were too tired of staying awake; of staying alert. She took a restless nap but even that felt really good. Tranquility coupled with consistency – just the thought of it seemed absolutely magical!

So have I been finally heard? Are the iron bars telling me that I may leave? I don’t want to believe in what is being shown to me so just tell me will you, am I free??

One step at a time and every step was marred with intervals of the fear of being drastically hurt again. Just stop me now if this is a trick. Please God just stop me now. Her heart was beating in her throat and finally after days of observation, she crawled towards the open door. Tears rolled down her face once again… but this time not out of the misery – this time it was out of a bittersweet pain.

How I had loved this golden cage of yours. I loved it with all my heart. How I would have sung in it happily for all my life. How I would have embraced you as my master. But today, in her state of half-consciousness she has one question for God, for all the people who witnessed her agony, for the friends that she had left outside and for him – she only asks ‘why?’.

She finally stood on the edge of the cage and looked outside from its open door. She stared at the world for hours and she still can’t believe her eyes. Is it really over? She breathes once and once again and once again and then she sighs. She wouldn’t look back into the cage and she’s too weak to fly off tonight. So she just stands there waiting for the incessant deception to end. She waits there until she truly believes. She waits to be able to fly again. Because when she does, just wait and see – she’ll take off faster than any shooting star and disappear in the deep thick clouds for a long, long time. You’ll never be able to trace her again and she’ll never look down to see .. your cage of gold that she thought was her home to be.

leaving everything behind…
belief, dreams, hope

Breathe in me now

I lived

Awash with ironic antonyms of life I danced in and out of every passing day. I was carefree. I was free. Friends, family, events, parties, work, sleep, patience, impatience, madness, sanity, happy days, bad days; everything ran around in random directions without ever colliding. And Me? I had my share of ups and downs in life but life was good.

I dreamt

There were nights when the full moon started pouring its light down my window and I would lie down counting stars; praying for him. And on one of those nights, in the middle of a beautiful dream, I confessed.. I confessed that I loved him. I had let go of a butterfly that night. Just like a free spirited soul. My soul, perhaps, is still the same except for you don’t see it dancing with the days or laughing in the crowd anymore. You don’t see its face beaming with the light in her heart anymore. In fact, now you don’t see that soul at all.

I lived a dream

That butterfly believed in three words he said and shot out of its home to be all his – for eternity. I wore his ring and he wore mine. Nothing could bring me down during those days. I was living my dream. The world could hear my laughter while I swung in the merry-go-round. The canvas of my life was full of colors of red and blue and yellow and pink. I had rings of flowers on my head. I often look for that girl now. Perhaps she died somewhere in that carnival of her life. Perhaps that butterfly got shot in its wing. I can now only see her ghost in my mirrors.

I still dreamt

Settled in a corner, while the world laughed and rejoiced, I closed my eyes and saw the Sun set in the West. I closed my eyes and tears rolled down and then I forced a smile. With a broken wing, I still wanted to dream. I saw a girl who was always hurt in the playground but she’d get up, brush off the sand from her pants and run to the slide again. But this time she was tired of getting hurt. This time she just sat and watched the other kids play. I still tried to make sense of everything. The wing ached but the foolish heart continued to dream. I saw dandelions kissing each other and I thought that my thousand aches will do the same before I start my journey in my little home. I dreamt and I hoped and based on just that I locked away my broken wing with a fragile glass key. And every time I did that, the glass key broke in my palm and now along with a broken wing I had blood lines across my palms. Every time someone asked me why I looked so pale I’d smile and offer them tea; and then during tea I’d tell them tales of other people’s ironic misfortunes. But in reality I was only hoping to get a hint. I was hoping to get some answers.

Now when I look at everyone, I see them laugh. Two sips of tea and they know my story. They know who I am. They look at me and they see through me. How could I not tell of this clarity before which now strikes my mind and soul like a sharp knife? Why did I not fly away from that deadly carnival?

 I surrendered

I stand on the seashore today and questions slip through between my toes. I stare at the blank endless ocean desperately searching for a defined horizon and I can’t find it. I can’t sit down because my back is injured, I can’t fly because my wing broke and I can’t look back because I’m scared it will all come back screaming at me again. So I just stand still waiting. I wait to see the Sun rise that I once saw setting down. My heart aches, my mind questions me and my body seems to have frozen. I only feel. I can only wait.

When I chose to give up and I closed my eyes, I knew my guests were waiting to attack at me again. When I opened my arms and closed my eyes with every tear that rolled down my face I told myself to be patient; to be patient like all tragedies are. I will have to face my guests. I will have to seal my lips and let time tell my tale. When my eyes were closed, the dandelions stopped kissing. I had no glass key to hold this time because I cut off my injured wing. I let fate take another bite of my soul.

Now I breathe

I have gifted gashes all over my body and I see a bride dancing in the ocean before my eyes. I stand steadfast bleeding from every gash that has been presented to me; in body and in soul. The bride looks back at my miserable state and smiles at me before she walks away.

I breathe once – for patience. I want to heal my soul and what eats it from within. I want to get rid of the numbness and feel the pain so that I can pull the thorns out of my back. I want to cut the chains tied across my legs and let blood rush life into them. I want to take baby steps and try to walk again. This time, in peace.

I breathe again – this time for hope. I want to reach out with my injured palms and snatch every star the sky holds. I want to forgive myself and dream of the impossible again. I want to tell myself that it’s ok because there are moments that I cannot control and from fate I can never win.

I breathe once more – for strength. I want to try and smile again. I want that beam in my heart to light up my face one more time. I want to go dancing in the forests and I want to laugh in the crowd again. I want the strength to fight away these satanic gashes of faces and feelings; I want to hold myself close and assure my soul that it’s alright.

I breathe again and this time air reaches my lungs – I breathe for life. I failed to protect my soul, I let the butterfly get shot in its wing, I held the glass key because I loved you too much but I am left with only pain. Yet I lived. I survived. I pray that may bliss come to me from within my core and may it come in such great quantity that it reaches out to others. And I pray that the Sun rises again and that it rises soon for only it will heal my bleeding gashes and tell me that things will change. Only in that light will I be able to see, I be able to trust that life still has some good things to offer. I pray that I can believe again. I pray that I can work to make a future out of this wounded life.

Dear soul, forgive me for what I put you through, forgive me for leaving you with a bitter past and forgive me for making you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy. Let this breath be the start of my repentance and I promise I will breathe back love into you.