Whatever the days are made up of, I can’t deny that some of them are pretty hard to pass. Some days I uncontrollably slide down a downward spiral of memories that I wish to erase now; some days I just fall flat on my face unable to pull myself up together and the rest of them? They’re not too bad I guess.
It’s been 3 months since then and although things are much more stable now, I still tend to zone out of the human time frame occasionally. ‘Occasionally’ – definitely sounds reassuring; good that the frequency has come down to ‘occasionally’.
During those days I had gotten into a habit – one that I found great difficulty fighting later –the habit of killing time. I’d wake up every morning with the same agenda & prayer for the day – I hope it passes quickly. It was pathetic. It still feels pathetic to have lived months like that. I had no direction. I was just waking up every day with a red marker in my hand waiting for the 24 hours to tick by so that I could decorate my calendar with another cross – That.Was.It. – My life, my days, my hours and everything in between, were only being lived so that they could pass. There was no aim for the present, no time to cherish anything about the past and no dream for the future because I was too busy counting the seconds as I swung back and forth with the red marker in my hand.
When it all ended – I woke up with a void. It was as if I had nothing left to do. I didn’t need to pray for the day to ‘just pass’ anymore – it didn’t really matter now. So initially I used to just walk around with a blank mind. I had no clue about what I should or I could do. My path had changed but I still had no direction. None at all. Pretty pathetic, yet again.
But time waits for none and it didn’t wait for me to figure anything out either. It’s been 3 months now and I actually feel better. Great family, a handful of amazing friends, decent job to keep me busy all day and a Masters degree that I am looking forward to – can’t thank God enough. Last week I was talking to my best friend and she asked me what plans I had for the next day. It took me less than a minute to blurt out my to-do list to her and once I was done, I realized.. that felt great! Although things have gotten better now, I still keep giving myself daily lessons about what really matters and what’s the truth in today. These are the few things that cross my mind almost everyday:
1. There has to be a purpose in every minute – Irrespective of how many times I’ve already said this; it’s absolutely pathetic to wake up each day just wanting it to be over! We are all breathing as humans for a purpose – it’s better to move towards finding it. I tell myself everyday that I must have a reason to wake up in the morning – a reason that tells me why I am created the way I am and the reason better be convincing!
2. Work ≠ life. If you’re waking up every morning because you have to work and if you’re working 5 days a week because that’s what gets you your paycheck – something is majorly wrong! I was thinking about this the other day that I am kind of growing old now and all my life has been about moving a step up – achieving whatever’s next and its sad that up till a few weeks back, I felt like my life had lowered down to the point where it was all about getting a paycheck at the end of every month – period. Thinking about it makes my stomach tie up in knots – what if there was no need to spend money anywhere tomorrow? What if I woke up in this completely new system one day where every necessity came for free? I wouldn’t care less about my paychecks then right?
3. Seldom does it turn out the way you expected it to be. Just the thought of how MANY examples I can mention in this section makes me smile. You can plan all you want and know even more but it’s reality’s next unfolding that dispels all you thought you knew in a second. I once read somewhere that if you want God to smile, make a plan. I can’t stop nodding my head to that statement.
4. As an extension to the last point – stop expecting rainbows! As difficult as it may seem but the fact of the matter is that learning only begins when all your genius is trashed away by nature. When fate kicks in, that’s where we get our reality check. What we believe to be the ultimate truth today might totally shift its axis depending upon what tomorrow brings with it. It’s scary. And scarier is the fact that not only our beliefs may change course but along with that the intensity and proximity that we attach to those beliefs shift as well. It’s so important to know what you’re expecting tomorrow to be like and yes, it’s a good thing being optimistic but being realistic is so much more important.
5. There are a few core facts; and the most important one is – you are worth it all. Regardless of whether we accept it or not, everyone has this benchmark in their minds after which they believe they shall be branded to be taken seriously. For me, I thought that would happen when I finished law school. My degree was some sort of a reassuring license to the idea of actual existence. But when I began working and all that didn’t happen because I still had a long way to go and I still wasn’t tall enough to jump my imaginary line – I decided to go out and make it happen myself. I had to make sure that I was taken seriously and not treated as someone who you could cut off in between the line. Some days I get there, some days I don’t but every day I wake up with the decision that if it has to happen I have to make it happen.
For as long as things were easy and smooth I obviously had no clue how bad they could get. It’s been hard. The past few months have been downright difficult for most of the time. And I write it out because it’s hard to explain the feeling verbally. I’ve held this inside because I thought my strength lies in pretending to be fine whenever anyone asks how I was handling life as opposed to actually handling life. Change scares me. I find changes difficult to accommodate to. Always. And sometimes blurting it all out makes me feel good.
The one thing that continues to intimidate me is that there is so much of so much to let go, to forgive and to learn. I always say that this life is temporary but who knows how many years you have left. However, I guess what’s important in the middle of this chaos is to hold your ground to the few core facts – facts like, everyone deserves to be happy… at least happy. I will always be in the position to define what’s ‘fine’ in my life even if it doesn’t work for anyone else and its experiences that make us capable of controlling our lives a little more. Some experiences are not just a result of a good or a bad choice that you made; they become intrinsic to who you are – they become part of your core. So much so that whatever else around that shifts its axis or evolves, it doesn’t affect your core, it only causes amendments to how you would have responded and how you choose to respond today. I guess it wouldn’t be so complex if every feeling, every dream and every hope were tied together to a common ground of self-love, pride, faith and the power that vests in each one of us. Maybe then the world wouldn’t be such a scary place to live in afterall.