You are drenched in it exactly when it’s the least of what you are expecting. So for a while, she became a spectator of her own self. She stepped out, folded her arms neatly across her chest and watched her.
Passionate, non-conforming & surrounded by meaningless angst…yet vulnerable – extremely vulnerable. With a series of deceptive cadences running in the background, she appeared to be replete with rampant sensations that juxtapose naturally. There was love, anger, poise, confusion, patience, impatience, prayer, hopelessness; all rushing around unleashed without colliding. A beautiful sight indeed.
She never liked rain. But now she does. Perhaps because here it rains pretty often; or perhaps because she’s learning to like new things. So she stands by the window pane, with the curtains neatly put aside and she dreams. Dreams – the one place where she is the happiest. She sees a red silk scarf drifting upwards into the dark black sky as if leading her eyes to a sight that will bring a smile on her face.
Stars. For as long as she can remember she has loved stars. To just stare into the endless blinding sky with little sparkles of joy scattered all around playing hide and seek in their twinkling manner. To her, they define freedom. They define joy. They define hope for an existence in the gloomiest of places.
So I continue to watch her from night to day and then from day to night. Bereft images fill the canvas of her hyper mind and she becomes them all. Laughs and cries with every illustration that comes and goes. And when the Sun is eaten by the sky for supper, she sits and recalls her day while praying – trying hard to make sense of it all. But it seldom makes any sense. Almost never – not yet. So she thanks the Lord for the many tales of comical misfortunes that she’s heard of and for the fact that they don’t define her life – not yet.
And then she is told by many, not to worry – not to think. How oblivious can man be at times with the opinions he gives. How can one possibly ever stop thinking? That is where dreams and hopes are born. That is where every story once began. Hence, think.
Think of your life and how you had pictured it to be. It’s not the same right? It never is. For no one. And you aren’t any exception for the good looks or the pure heart that you have. So relax. But think.
Think of how you would like your life to be. Now that came easily to her! And I saw a shy smile gently curve out on her face. She knew exactly what she wanted her life to be like. In that one instance she felt her set of doubts and fears slip away from between her toes into the carpeted floor. Just the thought of her tomorrow made her spirit lift. She could hear her and his laughs in the distance. How she wanted to run to that tomorrow and grasp it tightly with both her hands. They laughed and laughed and when she looked at him she felt sure of where she was. She felt complete. It was dream she had locked away with a glass key – waiting for fate to blissfully open it into her life soon.
Finally I appeared as her ghost in the mirror. The mirror into which she fervently stares all day; looking for a piece of her heart that has been missing for a while now. So I looked at her and I asked;
What are you? An optimist? A pessimist? A dreamer? And contrary to my expectations of receiving hazy answers, she instead looked straight back at me and said – neither; I am neither of those.
I dream. I believe. I pray. And I believe in my prayers. I believe I am being heard. And not only that, I believe I am being answered. Why shouldn’t I be answered? When all that I ask for is tranquility… I ask for happiness… I ask for love. After all who doesn’t deserve just that?
I do. I believe I do.
But just because I live with the dream of my future in front of me, don’t label me an optimist or a pessimist or a dreamer. I breathe in my today. If today makes me happy – I share my happiness – I laugh and I laugh out loud so others can laugh with me. And if today makes me sad – I isolate myself and I cry. I let it out not because in that moment I am weak. No. I let it out so I can dream again. So I can remind myself that I am living with my dream right in front of me and that’s where I need to go – that’s where I am meant to be.
And hence, I am a realist. Well aware of my today, strong enough to retain my sanity in the middle of every chaos and constantly in communication with my Lord to one day take me where I deserve to be.
After all this, I watched her take a step backwards with a satisfactory smile on her face and a warmth in her heart as she pulled her anxious pieces together firmly and she whispered …
This time.. I breathe for faith. So breathe in me a hefty dose of unrestricted faith. So much of it that it fills every restless corner of my soul. So much of it that no matter what happens I am able to stand firm on my feet and focus on the tomorrow that fate will unlock for me with the glass key that I tossed at it ages ago. Breathe in me so much of faith that it becomes my strength; my sword, my shield.
I breathe for dreams. Dreams filled with hope. Hopes that are so excited themselves that they have no room for any sorrow. Breathe in me a dream where I reach out to the sky and touch every star that the sky holds. Breathe in me a dream where I can rest your head on my lap and caress it with gentle strokes as I watch you fall asleep.
I breathe for strength. For once I want to pluck every hurting thought out of my mind and take a walk by the seashore barefoot; in peace – complete peace. So breathe in me so much strength that as you juggle with every errand you ought to run to please this world, I can stand right beside you and pray that life gives you the best of what it can offer. So much strength, that through my silence I can tell you what I wish for you and me.
And today, I not only breathe for life but I breathe for love. I breathe for love that makes me idyllic not only with myself but with you. For so much love that it comes from within me and reaches out to you. Breathe in me so much love that one day if I get tired of walking towards my dream, I can look at you and know that things will change – that life will be better – that there is an immortal promise waiting for us out there. So much love that I know that promise is you – and that it’ll be worth the wait. So I breathe to shut away the past, to stand firm today and to wishfully step into a beautiful tomorrow with you.
I breathe with faith.