It’s been a while since I last posted something here – for that matter, it’s been a while since I last wrote. There’s so much on my plate at the moment and even more on my mind but probably because of my piling urge to be somewhere on my mental checklist – I decided to sit down and write today.
I recently resumed work after a gap of nearly two years. Two complete years went by a flash because I have been busy raising my beautifully curious plus hyper toddler. Many things happen when you make the shift from being just you to a mom. From being a corporate go-getter to an attentive put-together mother. From having major emotional upheavals to constantly wanting to feel worthy of your set of skills. It’s an everyday struggle – but rest assured, a beautiful one.
This post is not about how wonderfully my life has transformed after my Z – I shall dedicate a separate write up just for that. This here today, as I mentioned earlier, is about having too much on my plate and more so on my mind.
I want to read more. I want to listen to more music. I want to watch more movies. I want to travel at least twice a year. I want to sing again. I want to make a mark at my new workplace. I also want to furnish my house more. Clean it more often too. I also want to spend more time with Z, oh and also get some laundry done.
More than often, I want someone to pat me on the back and tell me I’ve done well. I want to be able to sigh with relief after successfully crossing out every item on my mental checklist. I want to curl up into bed at night – comfortable and relaxed – without every inch of my body aching out of either exhaustion or stress. But seldom do I feel like I have it my all.
I want to paint with Z. I want to show him more places, more people, more cultures. I want to read more to him. I want to take him swimming. I want him to learn to play an instrument. I want him to see that his mom is trying to juggle with responsibilities and desires – I want him to know that his mom can be a person he can look up to.
I sometimes am forced to believe that perhaps I am living in a crisis – with multiple agendas and hurried thoughts. There are days when I feel like I have earned an Oscar for myself and there are days when I feel torn in multiple ways. More than often I feel like my day wasn’t as productive as it should have been.
As frustrating as it may seem the reason for having such emotions is quite simple – I just want to have it all. I want to do it all. I want to be it all. I want to think it all.
Every. Single. Thing.
From making meals for my baby from scratch to hitting the gym. From being able to finish one novel after the other to keeping the house clean. From being a good mom to a successful corporate woman. The daily struggle to be able to do it all can be very over whelming.
When I had Z and all those mixed emotions of ‘will I ever be a good mom?’ and ‘will I ever be a successful lawyer?’ were at their peak … I was advised time and again to remain positive. To tell my heart and mind that this is just a phase and that one day I will have my life back in control. But you know what … it’s all easier said than done.
The real problem is not that women like us are majorly all hormonal. No sir. (Although that plays its fair share). But the real battle is with the pressure that we suppress ourselves under. The peer pressure – the societal pressure – what will the entire universe think of me if my baby isn’t potty trained at 18 months?! I’m being very real here – thoughts like this can actually keep you awake the entire night making you sweat out of useless panic attacks – been there, done that.
What is important to realise and make peace with is that it is alright to feel torn sometimes. It is ok to worry about doing the best for your baby because probably that ‘worrying’ there … well that’s what makes you a good mom. It’s normal to want to be healthy and in shape because perhaps that is what will motivate you to work out at home if hitting the gym isn’t possible. It is fine to feel like you’re wasting your set of skills because perhaps that is what will drag you back to your workplace. And finally it is allowed to feel the angst of not being able to get everything in place at a time. What we need to tell ourselves more often is that – we are trying to do our best and things will be in place, eventually.
Perfection is not necessary – contentment is. More than anything else, for first time mothers like me, I guess it’s most important that we find the courage to accept ourselves. It is important to peacefully let go of the passions that we cannot manage right now and resume them when we can. We must understand that life is all about having different phases – different times – and every phase is unique and brings with it some great experiences.
Just give it all some time.