30 day Letter Challenge

insanity makes sense when i’m with you =)

Letter 16 – Someone that’s not in your state/country

My dearest Memi!

Sweetheart, without a doubt, you are really.. really.. like super wala really stupid! Why would I bbm you at 12.30 in the night and say ‘Can you guess what I’m thinking? The next letter has to be to someone who’s not in my country’ .. and to make it further obvious I even put a smiley in the end! Jerk!

But man… I’d love to write a letter to Ahmedinejad… It would be so cool if I knew that he’ll read it.. *smiles-dreaming – smiles*

August 2003.. I remember entering the classroom with some friends and since the teacher wasn’t there I sat on one of the desks and said ‘So all the new comers, raise your hands please?’ and around 5-6 hands flew up in the air.. and then I said ‘So how do you want the ragging to begin?’ .. I don’t know what happened next but I clearly remember smiling back to this one beaming face sitting in the front row of the class laughing boldly at my pathetic joke.. I had no idea we’d come this far..

Apart from running around in school to singing in the cafeteria to dancing at that ONE song of ours 14 times in a go (I can’t name the song here, people WILL judge us! Haha) The madness just never seems to stop and it’s absolutely brilliant!

There’s just so much to recall that if I started mentioning every event in a single line I’d still be writing for the entire night..

My birthday surprise.. the only ‘real’ surprise apart from all the mutually planned ones *wink wink* lol

The gigs at my place.. the mad dancing at saad bhai’s wedding.. us stealing Rasha’s car and then my awesome driving skills when it started raining cats and dogs! Hira’s wedding.. all the scary stuff you do when you stay over at my place.. bbqs and hang outs and more dancing .. what the hell?!!  Ah man.. it’s a little scary when you have so many memories with someone.. It’s like your sharing a chunk of life with that person.. All those great times would never be fun to remember or might never have existed had it not been for you..

A lot has changed since the first time we met.. things and places around us, people we knew, our own statuses from being students to graduates to employees.. and there certainly are a million reasons that contributed towards all the changes. When I was beginning to know you, I remember admiring you for several reasons. For one, you made me want to study and achieve good grades 😛 but the best habit of yours that I picked was the regularity in prayers. I have to admit that watching you pray unconditionally, whether we were in school or on a field trip, always motivated me to adhere to my prayers. Then I also recall talking to you for hours about attracting positivity into our lives; about standing firm and strong and everything shall eventually pass by. Stuff like that really uplifts your moral and strengthens you spiritually. There’s so much that I’ve learnt and built upon just by being around a crazy friend in your disguise.

Every time I’d write something you would be one of the first people I’d email my write up to and then I would wait for your feedback. The best thing about sharing my write ups with you is the fact that you don’t say the usual stuff.. I’ve barely ever heard you say ‘Mehar, this is a good piece!’.. you would always compose your thoughts systematically, ensuring that I feel praised for my attempt and in between you would come up with some great ideas on how I can improve what I’ve created – something only a well wisher, a true friend would do. There was only one time when I was taken aback in surprise by you … it was about a year ago, you were over at my place and I asked you to close your eyes and picture what I was going to read out to you.. I had written a monologue and when I finished, you opened your eyes and said ‘Mehar.. that was really hot!’ hahaha! The thought of it makes me laugh because when we got into discussing the different aspects of how that write up could be interpreted by different people, one possibility was it being a dialogue between man and God.. hotness indeed?! 😛

I’ve had this endless smile on my face for the past 15 minutes and now my face kinda hurts =P .. I hate to sum this up but if I must, then I want to tell you that you’re not only a friend that people would die to have, you’re a fun loving and extremely talented person which makes you very deserving in every aspect of life. Never underestimate your capabilities, whatever you can advice and help others with, you can accomplish that for yourself. I know your job drives you nuts but get some time out and tune up your hobbies before they completely rust out. Write more. Sing. Dance. Pamper yourself by doing everything that brings immense joy in your life and gives you a broader sense of accomplishment. You are the only person I know who is as crazy as I am… who dares to dream big and then sets out to grab them with both hands! You are probably the only person who seconds me when I say something absurd like, I believe I can fly it’s just that I don’t try hard enough.. You’re one person who, like me, can gaze at stars all night and sense that unexplainable feeling of protection.. You were the only person who danced on the same song with me for 14 times and enjoyed it till the last minute! Whenever I meet you, I happen to run into the crazy, carefree, adventurous and jumpy child within me and for that, I can’t thank you enough!

I love you with all my heart! See you soon! 😉

30 day Letter Challenge, childhood, happiness

Once Upon a time there were just rainbows..

Letter 15 – the person you miss the most

I have sat for hours trying to think of someone I’ve missed all this while & well, someone to whom I’ve not already written one of these letters to..  The past 10 days have been a thick mixture of good and bad for me; thankfully starting off as bad and then gradually getting better. But one thing I’ve realized in these 10 days is how much I miss a girl I once knew, someone who laughed more often, someone who was carefree and adventurous. Despite of being that girl I can’t seem to find her in my reflection today.

I miss being free, carefree.. I miss saying ‘I’m busy doing nothing!’ and not being depressed about it. I miss being not so tired all the time that I’d fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed. I miss being able to pull all nighters on any given day. I miss when it was harmless to sleep till 4 in the afternoon only to get up and crash on your sofa and watch tv for the rest of the day. I miss experiencing life on my own terms. I miss living a routine free life. I miss being the carefree, stupid girl I once was.

There’s so much seriousness surrounding me today. At work, with friends, with family… I don’t really like it but I neither regret it, probably because I know this won’t change. There are small ‘time-offs’ when you get to see a glimpse of the carefree life; when everyone just lets go for a second and laughs at the lamest joke ever. I wish those moments could last a little longer than a few minutes and if you’re lucky, a few hours. There happens to be too much of everything these days. Like I wrote in one of my earlier posts (Wonderland Syndrome), too many expectations, too many ambitions, too many dreams, too many goals, too many people and too many.. ah, just too many.

In a few months I’ll be turning 24 and it’s hard to believe how sometimes I feel so tired that I want to dump everything and just have a good long vacation; one that does not come with a visa expiry date, preferably. But that’s just stupid.. escape has never been the solution.

My life is pretty happening in its own weird ways and it’d be unfair of me to say that it’s no fun. I meet a new face almost every day, I encounter some sort of challenge at work every now and then and out of these little moments in life, I often happen to get some laughs. But whenever my brain hits the rewind button I can’t help but wonder how tremendously things around me have evolved. There were times when I fought with my sisters for ‘my side of the bed’ and now I just need a place to crash. There were times I’d cherish every new dress I bought and now I grab whatever I get my hands on in the morning and leave for work. There were times when getting homework for three subjects a day gave me the absolute right to hate my teachers and now learning lies in every little experience of every single day! It’s funny yet scary how my mind is occupied all the time, sometimes even when I’m asleep – call me stupid but I dream of screaming at some client when I know I won’t be able to do it for real.

Once upon a time there were just rainbows..

I miss sitting in class, next to my friend, both of us making paper planes because we were just too tired to concentrate to what the teacher had to say. I miss playing ‘It’ at school and then being summoned to the coordinator’s office for creating havoc. I miss being able to say ‘my homework’s done!’; which meant I was free as a bird for the rest of the day.  I miss the days when chocolate, coffee and all the sugar rush actually worked on my body.  I miss the times when all that I was concerned with was coloring the rainbow and not worrying whether or not there’s a pot of gold at the end of it.

Sometimes, I just tend to miss me.

30 day Letter Challenge, friends

The triangle became a stupid flat line

These letters are getting impossible now.. I’ve written to people thanking them, telling them that I miss them, telling them that I want to meet them and then there’s a never ending list of all the hate mails! And now this 30 days letter thing wants me to write to someone I’ve drifted away from? I don’t even know what that means?! Primarily because in my life, I either like a person or I don’t like a person.. It’s pretty much black or white.. but exceptions include; people from the family (unavoidable I swear), someone who has the authority over something you’ve always wanted or desperately need (only God knows how many smiles I passed at the bloody HEC people!) and some people with whom there’s just an awkward silence about a bad event (You can’t decide what side of the like/don’t like list that person belongs too. You’re always calling each other all sorts of names in your head but due to the circumstances you’ve got to smile and nod at each other …. AAAWKKWARD!). I guess that indiscernible gap of awkwardness is what drifting away is all about to me.

Letter 14 – Someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear You, (*smiles & nods*)

Well we were never too close to have sufficiently drifted apart in the first place but I guess we both took our steps back (I probably took two..). It’s extremely confusing when you get acquainted with someone because of someone else and then due to an event that ‘someone else’ falls out of the picture leaving just you and the unknown randomly acquainted someone. Our story happens to be on the same lines.

Prior to that one dreadful event, we would often have comfortable, casual conversations and we never ran out of topics to talk about. Despite our everlasting difference of opinions, I always enjoyed hearing your point of view. Definitely coincidently, there were a few times when we’d share the same thought and laugh about it.

The idea of having a weird silence in between all our talks now is creepy and annoying. Creepy because both of us know this isn’t normal and annoying because both of us wouldn’t do anything about it! It’s been how long? Nearly two years?.. wow.. two years and every time we run into each other, be it at my place or somewhere outside, there’s the whole telepathy session of calling each other weird names coupled with a stupid smile and constant, pointless nods.

To drift away from someone, even when you weren’t too close to them, is like you had the best slice of pizza in your hands and just when you were about to take your first bite the phone rang; so you left your slice of pizza on your plate for a while to take that call and by the time you return, your pizza was obediently lying there just that it was no longer quite as good. You can’t throw it away.. because.. well…oh come on.. that’s a pizza slice there! .. okay, nevermind.. *focus mehar focus!* So yeah, I can’t completely pretend to not know you, but every time I see you, we both have a replay of that one event regarding someone and then there’s just plain awkwardness in the air.

See people just shouldn’t get to know each other in the form of a triangle; it turns into a stupid flat line if one of the vertex goes missing. We can’t point fingers and play the blame game because neither of us wronged each other. But what hurts is how sometimes we persistently avoid facing the truth. But heck, at times it’s no good facing anything. Some damages are irreparable and everyone knows that. Sometimes sorry just isn’t enough.

Anyway, this was never about you and me. We’ve just been trudging our own ways hoping not to bump into each other and having to deal with the awkward silence. But hey, it was good back in the old days. I thought of you differently then and I was happy for someone. But you proved your own self otherwise and now I know that what I had thought of you was a bunch of contradicting lies. It’s probably factual that people like being lied to; it’s just that they don’t like finding out that they’ve been lied to.

Have a good life.

Mehar

 

 

 

30 day Letter Challenge, memories

Beyond the boundary of memories 2

Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
~T.S. Eliot

Dedicated to all those people who have to watch a loved one live the Alzheimer’s Disease (AD)..
Love you Dadi

Here you are, my sweet grandchild..
Wrapped in your blanket, like a freshly bloomed rose..
My smile is endless as I celebrate you..
Your tiny bubbly feet and a perfect pink nose..

Is it too soon for me to say all this?
To dream of how you’ll grow up to be,
To pray for your life being full of bliss
It probably is too early you see..

But even if I don’t say it all.. I’ll just admire you today..
Let me build my dreams and hopes about you..
Let me build your future starting this day..

I adore you more than words can say..
The way you move and all your smiles..
Let me capture everything before I’m gone..
I want to be with you for a little more while..

As I stifle with a million fears ..
Worrying to protect you and to always be there..
You see I just want to be sure that life is kind
For I won’t be there forever; one day at rest would be my soul and mind..

But no matter where I am
Whatever the time or place may be
One thing that I’ll always keep..
are all your precious memories..

Yes my dear, of that I’m sure
I am as confident as I can be..
I only pray that the AD doesn’t find me..
for if it does.. it’ll take away my most treasured keep

What would I do if it steals my mind from me..?
Would I remember you.. would I even know me?

I don’t want to part from you..
not now and not ever..
I can’t think of losing your innocent giggles..
but if I’m ever made to surrender ..

Promise me you won’t stop..
Promise me that you’ll carry on
Promise me you’ll become the brightest star I see..
because that’s what I dreamt of you, in dreams that once belonged to me..

Promise me you’ll get by
Promise me you’ll stay..
Promise me you won’t be weak..
Not before anything that comes your way..

My sweetheart, I didn’t mean to make you cry,
Here take my hand and listen to me..
I’ll always be with you..nothing can part us..
I’m right there, in your heart you see..

My time has finally come.. but as I drift away..
Promise me that you will always remember all the I had to say..

Be thankful for your life and for the gift of memory..because this is true,
For I can’t tell you how painful it is to not remember who are you..

Promise me that when you look up at the sky you’ll always find it blue..
Promise me that even if the AD creeps into your mind,
You’ll never forget how much I loved you..

Mehar

30 day Letter Challenge

Knowing a stranger

Day 6 – Letter to a stranger

Dear Stranger,

When I was a kid my parents spoon fed me with clear instructions about meeting people I didn’t know… ‘Never get into a conversation with a stranger. Strangers are bad, they can be dangerous. Never accept anything from a stranger.. not even a chocolate.’ And those last few words would always break my heart.. that’s a free chocolate bar.. gone.

But with time I experienced how complete strangers could sometimes morph into great friends. People I know today, were strangers not too long ago. Our first few meetings and conversations may have been calculated and hesitant but it’s done wonders in certain cases – to those strangers, I’ll always treasure running into to you!

There will be so many more strangers that I will meet in the coming years. To some it will be easy to talk, in some I may see a potential friend and some will always … well, remain strangers. I may share a lot of habits or hobbies with some people out there and yet never get to know them. Whereas, a stranger and I may have unseen bonds….some sort of an invisible attraction that forces us to get to know each other. I await meeting all of you one day.. and maybe we can be more than mere strangers to each other.

But you, dear stranger, I see you everyday. Yes we meet every day and we spend an unbelievable time together.. but it’s irrefutable how much of a stranger you still are to me.. and probably will always be. With each day you grow, you learn and I sense an extra line of maturity on your face which shall one day turn into a wrinkle. We’ve been so close and yet you surprise me. You surprise me with how you face a new day. You surprise me with what you say sometimes. You surprise me with how you think sometimes. Just when I decide that you are gentle, I find you getting upset over a petty issue. Just when I decide that you have immense faith in God, I find you getting reckless and impatient. Each day that I spend with you somehow bridges the gap that exists between a stranger and someone you know and yet, you surprise me. So I guess this is how it’ll always be. I will continue to discover a new side of you with every passing day. I’m glad I have you, I’m glad we feel the same way and I’m sure one day we’ll be friends….

To confront you seemed impossible

I was told that you don’t exist

But I was sure that you were here somewhere..

Talking to you today, was worth taking the risk..

 

I wanted to run away from the thought of you

Your existence, from your very being…

 

But I can’t run away, I can’t ignore you..

Then why try escaping someone you’re always seeing..

 

Could I turn back and never look at you?

Could I tell you everything that I had ever thought of you..?

 

How I once felt you were all that I needed

How I had felt your embrace..

How it seemed that there could be nothing better..

Than your being, your faith, your grace..

 

But I saw your passion turn into a quiver

I sometimes saw you leaping that line of grace

From someone impressive you sometimes turned ugly

With every beat of life, I saw you losing your pace..

 

You seem so lost, so frustrated, so hollow

And I don’t even know you, then why should I follow

 

But whether you like it or not I have the option to quit

To leave you behind and move away for a bit

 

So I came before you for a final goodbye

You,  stranger, would you now say something? Something that’s not a lie..

 

But not a single word came out..

Just a contemptible sigh..

And I felt your swift smile..It was then that I asked ‘why?’..

 

And stranger, that’s when you told me

I hated how easily you spoke..

You showed me where I was standing

And that’s when my arrogance broke

 

As confused as I could possibly be, I attempted to look around..

In an empty room, was where I found myself

Lying before a mirror, lifeless on the ground..

 

An impossible encounter was suddenly making sense..

For the first time ever I looked straight into your eye..

Without any fear and without a clue

And I heard you in clearer words this time

Saying that you’re not a stranger but that I have always been you..

– Mehar…

30 day Letter Challenge

Floating Euphoria

You see things and you say, ‘Why?’. But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’ – George Bernard Shaw

Day 5 – Letter to my dreams

Dear dreams,

Seldom do you visit me at nights (and I must admit, I prefer my uninterrupted sleep) but you are my reason to hop out of bed every morning. My endeavor is to follow each one of you or the ideas you implant in my mind. Even if it’s in my own little world, I’m soaring with every passing day because of you..

In your rare visits you choose to make no sense to me most of the times and I wish I could recall more of you. I’m often trying to capture that one thing that appears in sharp detail in my dreams amongst the surrounding chaos and this exercise tires me. But sometimes you visit me just when I need you to come. You come with a sign or a message and you leave me with a smile on my face and a peaceful sleep. There are times when I wish I could reach up and touch you.. you give me the desire to step up and do something beyond my forte. You give me hopes, you give me restless sleeps but most of all you give me a reason to wake up every morning.. you give me my goals in the form of dreams..

To those dreams:

You and I share an ethereal relationship.. One where we own each other in our respective ways that only we know..  I have you locked away in some corner of my mind.. my heart and even then it is you who writes out my daily agenda and I merely follow. It is because of your constant presence that I wake up thinking that I must do something today in order to step closer to accomplishment. I have my arms stretched forth waiting to hold the various pictures that you’ve shown me and I promise you that I will continue to work towards owning them one day.

Nothing seems crazy when you know how to dream; when you can dare to dream. I remember how I laughed at myself the first time I was told to join Art class. ‘Drawing and colouring pictures?! You’ve got to be kidding me!’.. and then the whole joke seemed perfectly sensible the next morning just because my mind whispered ‘Sketching is it? That’s what I want to do!’ and regardless of my likes/dislikes or the opportunities surrounding me, I believed that if I woke up wanting to do something then I should do it simply because I can!

You’ve given me hopes, you’ve given me ideas, you’ve given me the strength to change my dreams into my reality but most of all you’ve turned me into someone who dares to dream day in and day out.

Life would be no fun if all the mysteries of tomorrow were allowed to run free. There would be no charm in succeeding each one of your dreams. In conquering what you professed to be an idea, a mere thought.

It is impossible for me to overlook you and I will never stop in striving to reach you. I get so impatient at times and all that I want to do is pray for you with my eyes closed and watch you come to life in front of me.

Whatever bit I have achieved has already bypassed expectations and for whatever there is to come .. we’ll let time unfold it’s surprises. I hope we can turn all my abstract goals into tangible achievements one day and till then.. sweet dreams to you and me..

Mehar

Chase your dreams till they are truly yours..