BabyZ, belief, childhood, dreams, happiness

A new journey with Z

My upbringing was done in quite a unique manner perhaps – it has always been a perfect blend of everything – and when I say everything I mean all the rights and wrongs, all the Easts and Wests – never was it one straight road to simply walk on. Obey the rules but dare to go against the fray; don’t harm anyone in any manner but be crazy sometimes. You know, very oxymoronic (not sure if that’s a word). Thanks to a job well done by my parents, that’s quite the way I’ve lived so far – spontaneous decisions and mostly madness – no regrets. Surprisingly, some major decisions of my life were taken in the spur of the moment – for instance, let’s study law! eeermm why?…. Well, because everyone else seems to be doing BBA! You see, the simplest answers are usually the right ones.

So that’s how it’s been – just jump into a random idea and then explore. Some of my mental rantings have actually either shaped into my professional career or a successful hobby (such as blogging…. ‘let’s just start a blog!’) while some ideas took a backseat midway. But one thing I know for sure today – staying within the given limits or going by the book is not at all conducive to one’s growth and learning. You must dare to take up spontaneous ideas and make them your own. Sometimes you will fall right down on your face and sometimes you will feel an adrenaline rush. Rest assured, you will look back at the madness and be happy about it.

In my father’s words, there are certain “ground realities”. Lord knows how much I love this term! He uses it often and I really like it when he does. It reminds you of your core – it reminds you of where you are anchored. As life goes by, no matter how rebellious you may be, certain rules become set. A basic foundation is laid inevitably and deep within you also become content with it. You have a profession – you have a few set hobbies – you have a certain bunch of friends – you have a favorite color – you have a life which has some ‘ground realities’.  And it’s all going good. But then one day, you have a baby.

You see, having a baby is not just ‘you having a little funny thing to take care of and love endlessly’. No sir. Having a baby also means that now you are someone who that baby is constantly looking up to – more like awkwardly staring up to. So all of a sudden – you become super self-conscious –going from a carefree dare-doer to a role model; an ideal; a mother. Obviously, no one wants their baby to get hurt or go all crazy with life right?! But at the same time we want our children to experience everything that the world has to offer. There are certain facts about the world that you, during the course of your life, have learnt the hard way and would want your baby to trail away from. So what do you do? You aim to become what you want them to become.

Unknowingly you become conscious of your own self and your surroundings. You watch your words, your actions, the way you dress, the people you meet, the way you eat – basically the way you do, think or say everything. You reassess and recalculate each of your decisions because every single thing is being imprinted onto your baby’s fresh canvas. You make sure that your baby sees you as a sorted, strong, civil and composed individual – one that is heard and respected. Someone who knows who they are and what they believe in.

Often, after Z, I have questioned my capabilities and even my values and beliefs. I found myself doubting my thoughts, my feelings and my decisions. I want nothing less than the best out of my Z. I want him to be kind and thoughtful, strong and determined, successful yet well rooted and for him to be all this – I have to be an example who he can look up to. Inevitably you start to hide all your negative or weak traits because in the form of your baby – life has actually given you one more chance to be who you idealize.

There are many things that I have always liked but I never really dwelt into enough. With Z I have had the opportunity to dive into a few things and explore its wonders. I’ve always loved to read and so I try to read to Z almost every day even though I barely get to read on my own any more. He has always been fond of his books and flash cards and I hope he will become an avid reader one day.

I was never too good at geography but I remember when I was back in third grade I really enjoyed learning about continents and oceans and islands etc. So my husband and I decided to cut out the continents and oceans using our amateur drawing skills and some colorful chart paper and turn one of the walls in Z’s room into his world map. He now recognizes almost 5 of the continents and its super cute the way he calls Australia – Austray-lalalalallalala! This way I also get to brush up on some geography myself!

I absolutely love travelling and so did my mum and dad which is why I’ve had the chance to visit quite a few countries. Z has been a traveler too – he had his first road trip when he was only 5 months old! There’s still a whole lot more that I wish to show Z – we still have to travel a lot more – so that he can explore and experience the wonders of different places and learn to appreciate different cultures.

Music is another favorite of mine. But as I mentioned in my earlier post, so far Z and I have been doing all sorts of nursery rhymes. In fact, he knows a few jingles by heart now. Just yesterday when we were on our way home Z started humming a tune and I asked him, are you singing for mama? He nodded. And I requested, can you please sing for me again? And there it was – his adorable little hum again… Hopefully, he will love singing as much as I do.

Art. Alright, I must admit, I can appreciate art but when it came to painting, coloring or drawing myself, I have always dilly-dallied with it. I did do a pencil sketching course once and completely enjoyed it but then never really built up on it. But since I want Z to have a feel of everything and be able to explore all the adventures of life – for the first time, I decided to buy a few paints and a paint brush – not for myself but for my little Picasso.

I really want Z to know the importance of art for I believe it gives you a perspective which is not commonly known to all. He needs to see beyond what appears to everyone and what better medium than art. I still don’t know if painting will be one of the things that Z will excel in but I hope, I really hope that he grows up to appreciate the relevance that art offers for the heart and mind. Hence, it was time to finally embark on a creative journey with Z and do something which I had always loved only from a distance.

So my husband and I planned an activity for Z to do day before yesterday. We got some old newspaper and pasted it all over the floor. Then we cut out an apron from a grocery bag (just Z’s size!), set out three bowls each with a different color of paint and got a few cardboards to act as Z’s canvas for the day! Ta-daa!

Z was absolutely ecstatic for his painting endeavor. He loved his apron and very gracefully wore it throughout the activity. He placed himself right in the centre of the newspaper sheet we had laid down for him, picked up his paint brush and off he went on his colorful journey. At first he carefully marked a few strong strokes of red and green on the cardboard sheets but eventually he realized; ‘what’s the harm if I paint my arm?!’!

My husband and I sat back and enjoyed watching Z explore the colors and the magic they could create. Neither of us can paint but we surely felt therapeutic just watching our little Picasso enjoying himself so much. All three of us wrapped up that activity feeling very accomplished. You see sometimes, even though you have spent all your life in a certain manner, it takes an adorable two-year-old to teach you that it’s ok to color outside the lines.

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My little painter at work
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Z’s artwork
belief, blogging

my blog turns 2 !

“We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” –  Anais Nin

It’s been a little over two years since I began to follow other people’s blog and finally decided to start one of my own. It creeps me out a little that my first blog post was two years ago and since then I’ve been rambling about almost everything. I can, however, undoubtedly attest that this two year journey has been an outright rewarding experience in countless ways!

When I began blogging I always thought if I’d be able to keep up with it. My family and best friend have been the constant push for me and they kept up with my vague ideas which I wanted to write about in order to ensure that I don’t leave blogging half way – I’m glad they believed that I could write and improve it by writing frequently.

I began giving my ideas words at a young age and although I do things a lot differently now I’m thankful that I discovered this domain. I thoroughly enjoy writing; it helps me to stretch out and neaten up a lot of random and complex thoughts. I often say this and I honestly believe that writing, as mode of expression, is probably the easiest way to let something out of your system exactly the way you want it to be. You don’t have to leave anything to the reader’s interpretation if that’s how you want it.

To top all that off, blogging is an ideal channel to put your word across. It holds all your floating ideas and allows you to put it into tangible form. Moreover, it lets you measure your growth in the field at a glimpse. You can trace back to where you started from right down to what you’re capable of writing today.

From absolutely random ramblings I’ve morphed into someone who can frame her thoughts and experiences into proper sentences – and it always feels great to be able to do so.

As I step into my third year of blogging I intend to write more than before, enhance my vocabulary and tweak my usual writing style a bit while maintaining my focus on the content of course. Also, I thank everyone who has been here, appreciated my work and has given some very useful feedback. I hope I can give you guys better things to read in the future! 🙂

Happy 2nd Birthday Blog!

belief, hope, memories

saying too much

I walk the road with strangers

And unravel their traits with all my wise

Yet they trick me almost always

Probably because I say too much

 

I sit with a cup of tea and intimacy

I share my secrets and let them confide

Little did I know the truth always slipped from in between my toes

Probably because I was busy saying too much

 

I smiled through everything that seemed a bit odd

Patience and compromise had to be the key

Naked eyes refused to see that the hearts were already preoccupied

Probably because the lips have been saying too much

 

Distances meant nothing when I had to caress a relationship

And conflicting views had no effect on me

But who after all dwells in such selfless love these days

And probably I have just been saying too much

 

I sit in wonder riddled by my interpretations

When will all the actors come bare foot?

I wait for them now to share their jokes and secrets

For probably I have been saying too much

 

I empty my heart in a crimson abyss

Although I know they are all privy to cynicism

Standing on the brink of sanity I ask my soul to hush

Perhaps I realize that I have been saying too much..

belief, happiness, hope

[ Untitled ]

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Its past midnight and I have work tomorrow morning and I have no idea why I’m writing this. There were so many moments in my day today where I thought.. no actually, I felt that I needed to do something about this particular thing that I saw or heard or experienced. I don’t know how to explain the feeling.. plus this is an absolutely unplanned post but I’ll try. I’m warning you guys before time that this post might be absolutely gibberish – and yes I did consider putting a password on it fearing that you might judge me – but then what the heck! It’s ok to have random thoughts spilled all over the place sometimes.

Random thought # 1:

We had a long weekend here in my country and for me, none of the days were absolutely amazing – they were all ok – average. I was disappointed in a few people but I chose to keep quiet about it because probably all the confrontation and arguments only heats up already uneasy situations. So well, I’m opting to keep my calm so as long as I can.

Random thought # 2:

Apart from my blog, I have a little sort of a scrapbook where I doodle, scribble and sometimes write stuff to vent out – it’s basically something that I like to keep to myself (primarily because it contains my handwriting which can be quite ugly at times). In that scrapbook, a few years back, I jotted down a list of things I’d want to do in life. Something like a ‘bucket list’. Yes, yes a bucket list like the one from the movie – it’s a term used for real as well! I won’t tell you what I exactly wrote in there but this really close friend of mine left me a message which I saw this morning and it was about how she had started her own blog. I can’t express how excited this news got me because somehow it made me go back to my bucket list which I made about 8-9 years ago. I’ll definitely mention her blog here soon but her email made my day! I hope she has amazing stuff for us to read!

Randomness # 3:

I don’t know how to go about this bit, that I really, really want to share with you all, because I’ve said it so many times in so many ways and you all know this through a gazillion more mediums out there but seriously, there can’t be enough emphasis on just HOW thankful we should be for the lives we have. Seriously. I witnessed and heard of a few stories lately which may seem ordinary if they are to be narrated but if you listen closely or if you really see what is before your very eyes its like life itself is talking to you. Even as I write this and picture a few people in mind I feel the shivers run down my spine. Like I’ve said before, I really don’t know why I’m writing this blog post today but if anyone bothers reading through this please devote one entire day and try to read people’s faces and wonder what story they carry. Random people, anyone you see while you’re walking down the street – just take a minute to notice – to think – to hear them out. You know, it often happens with me and I regard it as God’s blessing on me, that whenever I feel that something horrible has happened in my life I come across someone who actually has what we can call a ‘real’ problem. Honestly, I feel so small at that moment and I feel so utterly stupid for having cried over what I thought was one hell of a happening in my life. Yes, my experiences are mine to live and feel and learn from and they will never be comparable but seriously there are so many people out there – SO MANY PEOPLE – who have feelings and emotions and circumstances in which they are living their lives day in and day out I don’t know HOW.

And such stories are seldom something you and I have never heard of – like I said, it may sound ordinary but try to listen closely. I learnt about a guy who doesn’t have a house, he travels around and performs on the streets from one place to another and earns an average of 200 rupees a day. It’s nothing out of the world maybe – lots of people like this are out there but like seriously? 200? That is all life has come down to for this guy. Think about where and how we spend 200 rupees. 200.

I personally know a couple who age somewhere around their 80s – the uncle has a completely messed up spine because of which he can’t stand upright hence can’t walk properly and he has zero vision. His wife suffers from an acute stage of the Parkinson’s disease coupled with a few other complications that hinder her mobility. Till about a few months back these guys lived alone in a house. The lady can barely stand and the husband can’t see. My family and I visited them often and for whatever time I sat in their house my heart would be in my mouth while I saw them not only manage everything but also talk about how thankful they are for their lives and they never ever complained of the state that they were in – I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW. They live with their son now because they needed assistance. Why am I mentioning this tonight? Because yesterday night I read a small book on Haj/Umrah (Islamic rituals) recently written by the uncle I just told you about.

Maybe all of this is haphazard and has no ‘central theme’ but really I can’t be bothered tonight. I just needed this to be out there.

Whoever you are and whatever you do and if you read this (and for every time that I come back and read this) – Please remember that each day of your life is important. Each day needs YOU to put meaning into it. Do something good, say something nice to someone, smile at a random stranger while you’re on your way to work – you never know what little act of yours eases someone’s pain even if it does so for a minute. Don’t think in terms of payback, just do it because trust me if someone did such a thing for you, you’d love it.

belief, dreams, happiness, life

Stroke of Serendipity

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I once read somewhere that it makes situations a lot easier when you lay things down in a certain perspective – of course it helps only when the perspective is a positive one – but I think that sometimes the only perspective that you’ve got is the fact that you’re there. Breathing. Really there. I think it’s okay to feel things – both good and bad. You probably wouldn’t feel happy about the smallest good thing that happens to you unless you’ve actually thought over the pain a bad thing has caused.

Day before yesterday was a slow day for me. I woke up with a whimper (definitely because it was the start of the week & oh how I hate Monday/Tuesday mornings!) and the rest of the day was just as unexciting as it could be. When I came back home from work, I lazed around for a bit, had dinner, lazed around just a little bit more and then called it a day. After quite some time I slept for quite some time that night! And it felt amazing! I had no dreams to interrupt my sleep and eventually it all summed up to the sort of smile I had on my face the next morning. I felt warm within – CONTENTHAPPY. That morning was simply beautiful.

So at the moment, I’ve had a day where I wanted to pull my hair out and break everything around me followed by a gorgeous morning whereby life seemed worth living for. And what happened in the middle of these two feelings? I slept? That isn’t reason enough I tell you. My answer would be ‘perspective’. It all comes down to a certain point and that point probably lies in how we choose to interpret the realities of life.

In my previous posts I have spoken about finding a cause – a reason. We all like to be able to sum things up in a single, uncomplicated reason. We believe it neatens our life’s uncertainties. I recently read a little story and it made me smile –

In the olden days, ancient Egyptians were taken aback by great surprise when they witnessed the Sun disappear every evening. They, quite naturally, wondered where it was headed EVERYDAY with such punctuality and poise. They got their heads together in order to ‘solve’ the mystery. After much ado, they concluded that the Sun was swallowed by a sky goddess called ‘Nuit’ who then gave birth to it every morning in the East. There! That’s explained – mystery solved! I reckon they all lived happily ever after that finding.

Point being dear readers, any explanation is better than no explanation atall. We all agree to that – we all like that. But that’s not the case every time. This search for a reason can brutally murder the belief in perception which is so very necessary for survival. Facts and reasons derived through human logic can be amended at any point in time. It’s the perception that we own. We can change it to our will or stick to it for the rest of our lives irrespective of where the facts go. We all know people who show off fancy beliefs when they say ‘Oh I just keep myself happy no matter what happens! I’m just so used to of seeing only the good in everything that I’m hardly ever upset!’. Well.. hate them as much as you want to, but honestly, they’re the ones doing it right.

I was thinking of writing a blog post last night about something inspirational, something positive. See, I could tell you some story of where I’ve been super brave and have shown great self composure and calm and what not! I could tell you all of that and more despite of having had some waves that came crashing into my life so strongly that I found it inevitable to restore my equilibrium and tranquility for a while. Yes, things happen, we make our share of mistakes (life didn’t come with a set of instructions), we learn, we move on etc etc etc. But one thing that decides how and where we end up is our perspective towards everything. And maybe that is the point. Maybe we need to remind ourselves that it takes both rain and sunshine to form a rainbow.

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I could tell you so many things. So many things from whatever perspective I choose. But this is what I pictured this morning and this is what I choose to see –

Everyone’s stories are just bits and pieces of a bigger picture, a road map… each story is like a tiny luminescent star on the screen of a pitch black sky – some stars twinkle and some don’t but together they make the sky look mesmerizing. I see myself standing before a blue-green ocean with a compass in my hand and the wind blowing my hair. I am an incomparable flower of my kind and my soul is my butterfly with its wing outstretched waiting to take off as soon as the compass points me towards eternal bliss… Life is indeed too short to dwell upon anything else but bright hopes for a better tomorrow.

‘Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.’ Steve Maraboli

belief, happiness, life

fill up my senses

Today our city had its first rain of the monsoon season.. I had called in sick at work hence enjoyed my time at home with family. For as long as I remember I was never a huge fan of ‘rain’.. not that I didn’t like it but I never really liked it either.. if it was raining, well it was raining. But this year I was actually waiting for it to start raining; I wanted it to rain. And I realized how badly I was wanting this when it started raining cats and dogs today. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. Right from the cloudy weather to the winds to the rain hitting the ground and the walk I took down the lane with the smell of wet grass and all*heart heart* I even had music playing in the back of my head making it all look nicer. Conclusively, today was great!

Today, for me, also marks an entire year to another day which was good when it was there. I was happy that day too and I thought that that new beginning would bring with it waves of new happiness. None of any of that happened. Last year the first monsoon rain was on the 6th of September and I didn’t like it too much back then – probably because I was too busy being happy about other things which I didn’t know weren’t going to last. There was a picture which I edited from that day and I put a caption on it that said ‘In the end reality is better than dreams..’. Back then I thought the reality that I was living was beautiful – it wasn’t. I know I am lucky, I know God’s listening to me and hence i pray that may that picture – that caption and all those memories .. I pray that this year’s rain washes it all away.

May the sun bring you new energy by day
May the moon softly restore you by night
May the rain wash away your worries
May the breeze blow new strength into your being
May you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life

My initial post for today ended there – but I decided to add this little bit to it.. I wrote a post a few days ago which was an instant ‘venting out’ thing (I’ve deleted it now..).. a friend said that everything in that post was contrary to the me he knows and I agreed. I started this blog because I knew I could write.. or at least express myself in words.. It’s because of this blog that I realized that writing was my way of escape. It makes me feel better every time I empty myself in words. I absolutely love it. Then, eventually my friends started following my blog.. Some posted comments.. Some called me to talk about what I had posted.. and I can’t deny that knowing that people like and appreciate your work feels amazing! I learnt with time that I have some special people who are reading my blog regularly even though I have never met them in person nor have I ever spoken to them. I share a very unique relationship with them – because we know each other only through these blog posts. I understand that my friends and the other readers of this blog wish me well.. They want to see me happy.. They know me as a strong person and that I tell you I am.. and I know that one of my latest blog posts was very disappointing for them. I fell short of your expectations for which I owe you all an apology. But honestly, sometimes venting out is irrational and not thought of, which is probably why it’s also pretty much nonsense. So consider that blog post as absolute nonsense please! 🙂

I wanted to add this paragraph for two reasons; one because I need you all to know that I appreciate your concern sooo much and I feel blessed to be surrounded by so many well-wishers.. and two, because I also need you to know that some experiences of life that we live through we forget eventually but some experiences carve into us – they remain because they have helped us grow as a person. They teach us more about ourselves and every time we go back to thinking about what happened, those experiences only remind us of how strong and how blessed we are.

Anyhow, coming back to my post for today – I assure you all that the weather in my city is great, it is expected to rain for a few more days and I am looking forward to it, I still hate having to wake up at 6 for work and so far my friends, my days are busy, filled with some good madness and when I prepare to sleep I have a smile on my face because I know tomorrow will definitely be an absolutely wonderful day! 🙂 I love you all..

belief, childhood, happiness, memories

What father’s do best

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He’d tip toe into my bedroom every Thursday morning and slowly pull down the comforter from my face, brush his hands through my hair and whisper ‘wake up princess’. Then he’d tickle me for a bit until I’d be sitting up on the bed staring at him with my big curious eyes wondering what he had planned for this weekend – we’d either go out for a long drive by the sea and have ice cream or I’d tag along with him to his office and feel smart because I knew how to use Microsoft Paint. As a kid, I absolutely loved my Thursday mornings.

We live in a cruel world where who and what changes when is absolutely unpredictable. As much as parenthood took me by surprise when I began to realize what parents were all about – the idea of being a father daunts upon me even more. I sometimes, quite often actually, don’t understand this selfless way of living life. I know for sure that I’d be an epic fail at fatherhood.

Fathers teach us well. They tell us how to use a dictionary. They help us write our essays and teach us how to tell the time. They are always standing right behind us while we try riding our bicycles & every time we ride a few steps forward we turn back to make sure that they are there – and they are always standing there telling us how great we’re doing. They give us the push while we’re on the swing and we feel like we’re almost going to kiss the sky fearlessly because our dad is right behind us to catch us if we fall. He’s that silent voice in the back of our minds telling us constantly ‘I know you can do this!’.

They taught us to sneak candies from the jar when our mums were busy washing the dishes. They took our pictures when we were caught hiding under the table hurrying up finishing off our junk food right before dinner. They would get us the latest Disney movie and watch it with us until we fell asleep in their arms. They pushed our hair out of our faces while we’re busy setting up our doll house or coloring our minds out. They would walk past us and rustle our hair when we’d be done with the task of our day. They would stand in front of the stove on Friday mornings and cook like they’re our heroes while we would sit on the kitchen table, swinging our legs back and forth  admiring how cool our daddies are! Right from giving us a ride on their shoulders to cheering for us on our graduation day – they’ve always been there like our backbone. And most importantly, they never say ‘I’m scared’ or ‘I’m worried’ or ‘I’m nervous’ – and we never think they are.  =)

But one day, we grow up and we become all smart and we have a fancy degree and a flashy job title – ‘We know the world  better than you dad’. It just makes me smile. Because fathers..? They were always our role model – always our heroes. We grew up feeling safe and warm because we believed that they knew it all. Nothing could touch us because our dad was on the watch all night while we slept under the glowing sticker stars that he put on our bedroom ceilings. Yet sometimes today, when we ‘know-it-all’ and we know that something is bothering them, they just pat our backs and tell us to ignore the damp corners of their eyes – ‘It’s nothing, don’t worry your little head, everything’s just fine princess!’. It makes me smile over and over again. They always told us that their 5 hours sleep was all that they needed and it was absolutely fine to drive a hundred kilometers back and forth to pick us from one place and drop us to the other and then pick us up again. It makes me smile today thinking that back then I had no idea how much a kilometer was and it all looked so easy to do..

And so it makes me think that all of that since forever and what’s their reason??

My dad drops me at work almost every morning and as I jump out of the car and say ‘bye abbu!‘, he reminds me every day not to forget to text him when I reach my desk and I’m all settled in to start the day. Every day when I text him ‘I’ve reached. You have a good day and take care and please smoke less today!’, he replies ‘You take care too and have a great smiley day’.

That’s all that he asks for. That’s all that they all ask for – stuff like ‘take care’, ‘text me and let me know if you’re okay’, ‘call me when you reach home safely’, ‘have a smiley day’ –  Thinking of what they want in return does make me smile.

Love you loads Abbu..

I may be fairly good at vomiting the random ramblings of my mind in words, I may have a degree and I may be good enough to go get another one, I may think I know today’s world better than you but I could never be as good as you are and have always been if I were to be a father. You are and will always be my hero Abbu! Love you loads! =)
Happy Birthday!