BabyZ, belief, childhood, dreams, happiness

A new journey with Z

My upbringing was done in quite a unique manner perhaps – it has always been a perfect blend of everything – and when I say everything I mean all the rights and wrongs, all the Easts and Wests – never was it one straight road to simply walk on. Obey the rules but dare to go against the fray; don’t harm anyone in any manner but be crazy sometimes. You know, very oxymoronic (not sure if that’s a word). Thanks to a job well done by my parents, that’s quite the way I’ve lived so far – spontaneous decisions and mostly madness – no regrets. Surprisingly, some major decisions of my life were taken in the spur of the moment – for instance, let’s study law! eeermm why?…. Well, because everyone else seems to be doing BBA! You see, the simplest answers are usually the right ones.

So that’s how it’s been – just jump into a random idea and then explore. Some of my mental rantings have actually either shaped into my professional career or a successful hobby (such as blogging…. ‘let’s just start a blog!’) while some ideas took a backseat midway. But one thing I know for sure today – staying within the given limits or going by the book is not at all conducive to one’s growth and learning. You must dare to take up spontaneous ideas and make them your own. Sometimes you will fall right down on your face and sometimes you will feel an adrenaline rush. Rest assured, you will look back at the madness and be happy about it.

In my father’s words, there are certain “ground realities”. Lord knows how much I love this term! He uses it often and I really like it when he does. It reminds you of your core – it reminds you of where you are anchored. As life goes by, no matter how rebellious you may be, certain rules become set. A basic foundation is laid inevitably and deep within you also become content with it. You have a profession – you have a few set hobbies – you have a certain bunch of friends – you have a favorite color – you have a life which has some ‘ground realities’.  And it’s all going good. But then one day, you have a baby.

You see, having a baby is not just ‘you having a little funny thing to take care of and love endlessly’. No sir. Having a baby also means that now you are someone who that baby is constantly looking up to – more like awkwardly staring up to. So all of a sudden – you become super self-conscious –going from a carefree dare-doer to a role model; an ideal; a mother. Obviously, no one wants their baby to get hurt or go all crazy with life right?! But at the same time we want our children to experience everything that the world has to offer. There are certain facts about the world that you, during the course of your life, have learnt the hard way and would want your baby to trail away from. So what do you do? You aim to become what you want them to become.

Unknowingly you become conscious of your own self and your surroundings. You watch your words, your actions, the way you dress, the people you meet, the way you eat – basically the way you do, think or say everything. You reassess and recalculate each of your decisions because every single thing is being imprinted onto your baby’s fresh canvas. You make sure that your baby sees you as a sorted, strong, civil and composed individual – one that is heard and respected. Someone who knows who they are and what they believe in.

Often, after Z, I have questioned my capabilities and even my values and beliefs. I found myself doubting my thoughts, my feelings and my decisions. I want nothing less than the best out of my Z. I want him to be kind and thoughtful, strong and determined, successful yet well rooted and for him to be all this – I have to be an example who he can look up to. Inevitably you start to hide all your negative or weak traits because in the form of your baby – life has actually given you one more chance to be who you idealize.

There are many things that I have always liked but I never really dwelt into enough. With Z I have had the opportunity to dive into a few things and explore its wonders. I’ve always loved to read and so I try to read to Z almost every day even though I barely get to read on my own any more. He has always been fond of his books and flash cards and I hope he will become an avid reader one day.

I was never too good at geography but I remember when I was back in third grade I really enjoyed learning about continents and oceans and islands etc. So my husband and I decided to cut out the continents and oceans using our amateur drawing skills and some colorful chart paper and turn one of the walls in Z’s room into his world map. He now recognizes almost 5 of the continents and its super cute the way he calls Australia – Austray-lalalalallalala! This way I also get to brush up on some geography myself!

I absolutely love travelling and so did my mum and dad which is why I’ve had the chance to visit quite a few countries. Z has been a traveler too – he had his first road trip when he was only 5 months old! There’s still a whole lot more that I wish to show Z – we still have to travel a lot more – so that he can explore and experience the wonders of different places and learn to appreciate different cultures.

Music is another favorite of mine. But as I mentioned in my earlier post, so far Z and I have been doing all sorts of nursery rhymes. In fact, he knows a few jingles by heart now. Just yesterday when we were on our way home Z started humming a tune and I asked him, are you singing for mama? He nodded. And I requested, can you please sing for me again? And there it was – his adorable little hum again… Hopefully, he will love singing as much as I do.

Art. Alright, I must admit, I can appreciate art but when it came to painting, coloring or drawing myself, I have always dilly-dallied with it. I did do a pencil sketching course once and completely enjoyed it but then never really built up on it. But since I want Z to have a feel of everything and be able to explore all the adventures of life – for the first time, I decided to buy a few paints and a paint brush – not for myself but for my little Picasso.

I really want Z to know the importance of art for I believe it gives you a perspective which is not commonly known to all. He needs to see beyond what appears to everyone and what better medium than art. I still don’t know if painting will be one of the things that Z will excel in but I hope, I really hope that he grows up to appreciate the relevance that art offers for the heart and mind. Hence, it was time to finally embark on a creative journey with Z and do something which I had always loved only from a distance.

So my husband and I planned an activity for Z to do day before yesterday. We got some old newspaper and pasted it all over the floor. Then we cut out an apron from a grocery bag (just Z’s size!), set out three bowls each with a different color of paint and got a few cardboards to act as Z’s canvas for the day! Ta-daa!

Z was absolutely ecstatic for his painting endeavor. He loved his apron and very gracefully wore it throughout the activity. He placed himself right in the centre of the newspaper sheet we had laid down for him, picked up his paint brush and off he went on his colorful journey. At first he carefully marked a few strong strokes of red and green on the cardboard sheets but eventually he realized; ‘what’s the harm if I paint my arm?!’!

My husband and I sat back and enjoyed watching Z explore the colors and the magic they could create. Neither of us can paint but we surely felt therapeutic just watching our little Picasso enjoying himself so much. All three of us wrapped up that activity feeling very accomplished. You see sometimes, even though you have spent all your life in a certain manner, it takes an adorable two-year-old to teach you that it’s ok to color outside the lines.

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My little painter at work
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Z’s artwork
dreams, happiness, hope, life

Perfect words

Today I came across some wonderful pieces of writing – the first one is a short article written by Mary Schmich. She described it as her chance to be dogmatic about her take on life. I think it’s brilliant!

And the second one is a poem from The Desiderata of Happiness which is a compilation of some beautiful poems by Max Ehrmann. This one here is called ‘A Prayer’.
Enjoy!

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young – Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

A Prayer – The Desiderata of Happiness by Max Ehrmann

Let me do my work each day;
and if the darkened hours
of despair overcome me, may I
not forget the strength
that comforted me in the
desolation of other times.

May I still remember the bright
hours that found me walking
over the silent hills of my
childhood, or dreaming on the
margin of a quiet river,
when a light glowed within me,
and I promised my early God
to have courage amid the
tempests of the changing years.

Spare me from bitterness
and from the sharp passions of
unguarded moments. May
I not forget that poverty and
riches are of the spirit.
Though the world knows me not,
may my thoughts and actions
be such as shall keep me friendly
with myself.

Lift up my eyes
from the earth, and let me not
forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others
lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamor of
the world, but walk calmly
in my path.

Give me a few friends
who will love me for what
I am; and keep ever burning
before my vagrant steps
the kindly light of hope.

And though age and infirmity
overtake me, and I come not within
sight of the castle of my dreams,
teach me still to be thankful
for life, and for time’s olden
memories that are good and
sweet; and may the evening’s
twilight find me gentle still.

belief, dreams, happiness, life

Stroke of Serendipity

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I once read somewhere that it makes situations a lot easier when you lay things down in a certain perspective – of course it helps only when the perspective is a positive one – but I think that sometimes the only perspective that you’ve got is the fact that you’re there. Breathing. Really there. I think it’s okay to feel things – both good and bad. You probably wouldn’t feel happy about the smallest good thing that happens to you unless you’ve actually thought over the pain a bad thing has caused.

Day before yesterday was a slow day for me. I woke up with a whimper (definitely because it was the start of the week & oh how I hate Monday/Tuesday mornings!) and the rest of the day was just as unexciting as it could be. When I came back home from work, I lazed around for a bit, had dinner, lazed around just a little bit more and then called it a day. After quite some time I slept for quite some time that night! And it felt amazing! I had no dreams to interrupt my sleep and eventually it all summed up to the sort of smile I had on my face the next morning. I felt warm within – CONTENTHAPPY. That morning was simply beautiful.

So at the moment, I’ve had a day where I wanted to pull my hair out and break everything around me followed by a gorgeous morning whereby life seemed worth living for. And what happened in the middle of these two feelings? I slept? That isn’t reason enough I tell you. My answer would be ‘perspective’. It all comes down to a certain point and that point probably lies in how we choose to interpret the realities of life.

In my previous posts I have spoken about finding a cause – a reason. We all like to be able to sum things up in a single, uncomplicated reason. We believe it neatens our life’s uncertainties. I recently read a little story and it made me smile –

In the olden days, ancient Egyptians were taken aback by great surprise when they witnessed the Sun disappear every evening. They, quite naturally, wondered where it was headed EVERYDAY with such punctuality and poise. They got their heads together in order to ‘solve’ the mystery. After much ado, they concluded that the Sun was swallowed by a sky goddess called ‘Nuit’ who then gave birth to it every morning in the East. There! That’s explained – mystery solved! I reckon they all lived happily ever after that finding.

Point being dear readers, any explanation is better than no explanation atall. We all agree to that – we all like that. But that’s not the case every time. This search for a reason can brutally murder the belief in perception which is so very necessary for survival. Facts and reasons derived through human logic can be amended at any point in time. It’s the perception that we own. We can change it to our will or stick to it for the rest of our lives irrespective of where the facts go. We all know people who show off fancy beliefs when they say ‘Oh I just keep myself happy no matter what happens! I’m just so used to of seeing only the good in everything that I’m hardly ever upset!’. Well.. hate them as much as you want to, but honestly, they’re the ones doing it right.

I was thinking of writing a blog post last night about something inspirational, something positive. See, I could tell you some story of where I’ve been super brave and have shown great self composure and calm and what not! I could tell you all of that and more despite of having had some waves that came crashing into my life so strongly that I found it inevitable to restore my equilibrium and tranquility for a while. Yes, things happen, we make our share of mistakes (life didn’t come with a set of instructions), we learn, we move on etc etc etc. But one thing that decides how and where we end up is our perspective towards everything. And maybe that is the point. Maybe we need to remind ourselves that it takes both rain and sunshine to form a rainbow.

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I could tell you so many things. So many things from whatever perspective I choose. But this is what I pictured this morning and this is what I choose to see –

Everyone’s stories are just bits and pieces of a bigger picture, a road map… each story is like a tiny luminescent star on the screen of a pitch black sky – some stars twinkle and some don’t but together they make the sky look mesmerizing. I see myself standing before a blue-green ocean with a compass in my hand and the wind blowing my hair. I am an incomparable flower of my kind and my soul is my butterfly with its wing outstretched waiting to take off as soon as the compass points me towards eternal bliss… Life is indeed too short to dwell upon anything else but bright hopes for a better tomorrow.

‘Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.’ Steve Maraboli

belief, dreams, happiness, hope, memories

3 months down, a lifetime to go..

Whatever the days are made up of, I can’t deny that some of them are pretty hard to pass. Some days I uncontrollably slide down a downward spiral of memories that I wish to erase now; some days I just fall flat on my face unable to pull myself up together and the rest of them? They’re not too bad I guess.

It’s been 3 months since then and although things are much more stable now, I still tend to zone out of the human time frame occasionally. Occasionally – definitely sounds reassuring; good that the frequency has come down to ‘occasionally’.

During those days I had gotten into a habit – one that I found great difficulty fighting later –the habit of killing time. I’d wake up every morning with the same agenda & prayer for the day – I hope it passes quickly. It was pathetic. It still feels pathetic to have lived months like that. I had no direction. I was just waking up every day with a red marker in my hand waiting for the 24 hours to tick by so that I could decorate my calendar with another cross – That.Was.It. – My life, my days, my hours and everything in between, were only being lived so that they could pass. There was no aim for the present, no time to cherish anything about the past and no dream for the future because I was too busy counting the seconds as I swung back and forth with the red marker in my hand.

When it all ended – I woke up with a void. It was as if I had nothing left to do. I didn’t need to pray for the day to ‘just pass’ anymore – it didn’t really matter now. So initially I used to just walk around with a blank mind. I had no clue about what I should or I could do. My path had changed but I still had no direction. None at all. Pretty pathetic, yet again.

But time waits for none and it didn’t wait for me to figure anything out either. It’s been 3 months now and I actually feel better. Great family, a handful of amazing friends, decent job to keep me busy all day and a Masters degree that I am looking forward to – can’t thank God enough. Last week I was talking to my best friend and she asked me what plans I had for the next day. It took me less than a minute to blurt out my to-do list to her and once I was done, I realized.. that felt great! Although things have gotten better now, I still keep giving myself daily lessons about what really matters and what’s the truth in today. These are the few things that cross my mind almost everyday:

1.      There has to be a purpose in every minuteIrrespective of how many times I’ve already said this; it’s absolutely pathetic to wake up each day just wanting it to be over! We are all breathing as humans for a purpose – it’s better to move towards finding it. I tell myself everyday that I must have a reason to wake up in the morning – a reason that tells me why I am created the way I am and the reason better be convincing!

2.     Work ≠ life. If you’re waking up every morning because you have to work and if you’re working 5 days a week because that’s what gets you your paycheck – something is majorly wrong! I was thinking about this the other day that I am kind of growing old now and all my life has been about moving a step up – achieving whatever’s next and its sad that up till a few weeks back, I felt like my life had lowered down to the point where it was all about getting a paycheck at the end of every month – period. Thinking about it makes my stomach tie up in knots – what if there was no need to spend money anywhere tomorrow? What if I woke up in this completely new system one day where every necessity came for free? I wouldn’t care less about my paychecks then right?

3.       Seldom does it turn out the way you expected it to be. Just the thought of how MANY examples I can mention in this section makes me smile. You can plan all you want and know even more but it’s reality’s next unfolding that dispels all you thought you knew in a second. I once read somewhere that if you want God to smile, make a plan. I can’t stop nodding my head to that statement.

4.       As an extension to the last point – stop expecting rainbows! As difficult as it may seem but the fact of the matter is that learning only begins when all your genius is trashed away by nature. When fate kicks in, that’s where we get our reality check. What we believe to be the ultimate truth today might totally shift its axis depending upon what tomorrow brings with it. It’s scary. And scarier is the fact that not only our beliefs may change course but along with that the intensity and proximity that we attach to those beliefs shift as well. It’s so important to know what you’re expecting tomorrow to be like and yes, it’s a good thing being optimistic but being realistic is so much more important.

5.       There are a few core facts; and the most important one is – you are worth it all. Regardless of whether we accept it or not, everyone has this benchmark in their minds after which they believe they shall be branded to be taken seriously. For me, I thought that would happen when I finished law school. My degree was some sort of a reassuring license to the idea of actual existence. But when I began working and all that didn’t happen because I still had a long way to go and I still wasn’t tall enough to jump my imaginary line – I decided to go out and make it happen myself. I had to make sure that I was taken seriously and not treated as someone who you could cut off in between the line. Some days I get there, some days I don’t but every day I wake up with the decision that if it has to happen I have to make it happen.

For as long as things were easy and smooth I obviously had no clue how bad they could get. It’s been hard. The past few months have been downright difficult for most of the time. And I write it out because it’s hard to explain the feeling verbally. I’ve held this inside because I thought my strength lies in pretending to be fine whenever anyone asks how I was handling life as opposed to actually handling life. Change scares me. I find changes difficult to accommodate to. Always. And sometimes blurting it all out makes me feel good.

The one thing that continues to intimidate me is that there is so much of so much to let go, to forgive and to learn. I always say that this life is temporary but who knows how many years you have left. However, I guess what’s important in the middle of this chaos is to hold your ground to the few core facts – facts like, everyone deserves to be happy… at least happy. I will always be in the position to define what’s ‘fine’ in my life even if it doesn’t work for anyone else and its experiences that make us capable of controlling our lives a little more. Some experiences are not just a result of a good or a bad choice that you made; they become intrinsic to who you are – they become part of your core. So much so that whatever else around that shifts its axis or evolves, it doesn’t affect your core, it only causes amendments to how you would have responded and how you choose to respond today. I guess it wouldn’t be so complex if every feeling, every dream and every hope were tied together to a common ground of self-love, pride, faith and the power that vests in each one of us. Maybe then the world wouldn’t be such a scary place to live in afterall.

dreams, happiness, hope, memories

Break through

You saw a bird and you liked it. You gave her a cage made of gold. A cage it was after all.

For a while she loved her new apparently luxurious home but then her loneliness began haunting her. You used to shake the cage up vigorously and swing it around in huge circles. You didn’t let the bird hold on to a corner; you didn’t let her get some sleep. At first she thought you loved her and maybe this was one of your ways of expressing your love. So initially she smiled and believed that you were playing around but then she began to worry a little because you never seemed to stop and eventually the pain became unbearable. Annoyed of all the disturbances and anguish that you bestowed, the bird began to put up her fight. She fought to shut you up for a while. She fought to make you realize. She fought to get some mercy. She screamed at and wrestled with the iron bars of your golden cage; she screamed and wrestled in despair. None of those bars ever moved an inch. They all just teased the bird who was locked in their painful embrace.

Pleading for mercy was her next resort. She cried and begged to get some peace or be set free but nothing, nothing melted those iron bars. Nothing melted your heart either. You seemed pretentious but you showed no sympathy.

Then one day the cage stopped shaking. The noise and the screams and swirling around in circles – everything just stopped. All the chaos had suddenly vanished. And just when the bird slightly peeked out of its wings, the iron bars began to slide sideways. Quickly she hid behind her wings again, scared of what might be coming towards her. One minute passed -two and then three. Nothing came. Nothing hurt her. The serenity was creepy but it prevailed.

As careful as she could be, the bird dared to peek once more. Her vision of the world was for once, not hindered by the iron bars. She saw right through the open door of her cage and the world was so endless, so clear that she almost wanted to jump forward and take a bite of it. After all, this was so close to the sense of freedom that she had been longing for.

But doubts and fear incapacitated her sense of being. She couldn’t help but ask herself over and over again ‘Could this be another trap? Will I be fooled again that this pain is an expression of love?’. Despite the world calling for her to step out and fly away, the bird quietly crawled backwards and refused to escape. She had the opportunity all along but she had deceived herself way too much to risk any further damage. What fate had to bring to her, she couldn’t deny so she sat back quietly and became fate’s most loyal spectator. She cautiously observed her surrounding and then her eyes would come back to the open door of the cage. She looked around at the iron bars waiting for them to snap back at her with one of their ugly tricks. But nothing happened. She looked again and again but they seemed to have fallen asleep. It was as if someone had pulled the plug out and everything had come to rest.

She still didn’t believe this calmness. She tried to listen to every molecule that swung around her head. She waited patiently – one breath at a time – always ready for the next attack – always letting fear prevail; the fear of not knowing why you are getting hurt.

Days passed by but the iron bars didn’t close back. The cage still did not shake. Nothing hurt her. There was complete silence all around. Her eyelids began to close – perhaps they were too tired of staying awake; of staying alert. She took a restless nap but even that felt really good. Tranquility coupled with consistency – just the thought of it seemed absolutely magical!

So have I been finally heard? Are the iron bars telling me that I may leave? I don’t want to believe in what is being shown to me so just tell me will you, am I free??

One step at a time and every step was marred with intervals of the fear of being drastically hurt again. Just stop me now if this is a trick. Please God just stop me now. Her heart was beating in her throat and finally after days of observation, she crawled towards the open door. Tears rolled down her face once again… but this time not out of the misery – this time it was out of a bittersweet pain.

How I had loved this golden cage of yours. I loved it with all my heart. How I would have sung in it happily for all my life. How I would have embraced you as my master. But today, in her state of half-consciousness she has one question for God, for all the people who witnessed her agony, for the friends that she had left outside and for him – she only asks ‘why?’.

She finally stood on the edge of the cage and looked outside from its open door. She stared at the world for hours and she still can’t believe her eyes. Is it really over? She breathes once and once again and once again and then she sighs. She wouldn’t look back into the cage and she’s too weak to fly off tonight. So she just stands there waiting for the incessant deception to end. She waits there until she truly believes. She waits to be able to fly again. Because when she does, just wait and see – she’ll take off faster than any shooting star and disappear in the deep thick clouds for a long, long time. You’ll never be able to trace her again and she’ll never look down to see .. your cage of gold that she thought was her home to be.

leaving everything behind…
belief, dreams, hope

Breathe in me now

I lived

Awash with ironic antonyms of life I danced in and out of every passing day. I was carefree. I was free. Friends, family, events, parties, work, sleep, patience, impatience, madness, sanity, happy days, bad days; everything ran around in random directions without ever colliding. And Me? I had my share of ups and downs in life but life was good.

I dreamt

There were nights when the full moon started pouring its light down my window and I would lie down counting stars; praying for him. And on one of those nights, in the middle of a beautiful dream, I confessed.. I confessed that I loved him. I had let go of a butterfly that night. Just like a free spirited soul. My soul, perhaps, is still the same except for you don’t see it dancing with the days or laughing in the crowd anymore. You don’t see its face beaming with the light in her heart anymore. In fact, now you don’t see that soul at all.

I lived a dream

That butterfly believed in three words he said and shot out of its home to be all his – for eternity. I wore his ring and he wore mine. Nothing could bring me down during those days. I was living my dream. The world could hear my laughter while I swung in the merry-go-round. The canvas of my life was full of colors of red and blue and yellow and pink. I had rings of flowers on my head. I often look for that girl now. Perhaps she died somewhere in that carnival of her life. Perhaps that butterfly got shot in its wing. I can now only see her ghost in my mirrors.

I still dreamt

Settled in a corner, while the world laughed and rejoiced, I closed my eyes and saw the Sun set in the West. I closed my eyes and tears rolled down and then I forced a smile. With a broken wing, I still wanted to dream. I saw a girl who was always hurt in the playground but she’d get up, brush off the sand from her pants and run to the slide again. But this time she was tired of getting hurt. This time she just sat and watched the other kids play. I still tried to make sense of everything. The wing ached but the foolish heart continued to dream. I saw dandelions kissing each other and I thought that my thousand aches will do the same before I start my journey in my little home. I dreamt and I hoped and based on just that I locked away my broken wing with a fragile glass key. And every time I did that, the glass key broke in my palm and now along with a broken wing I had blood lines across my palms. Every time someone asked me why I looked so pale I’d smile and offer them tea; and then during tea I’d tell them tales of other people’s ironic misfortunes. But in reality I was only hoping to get a hint. I was hoping to get some answers.

Now when I look at everyone, I see them laugh. Two sips of tea and they know my story. They know who I am. They look at me and they see through me. How could I not tell of this clarity before which now strikes my mind and soul like a sharp knife? Why did I not fly away from that deadly carnival?

 I surrendered

I stand on the seashore today and questions slip through between my toes. I stare at the blank endless ocean desperately searching for a defined horizon and I can’t find it. I can’t sit down because my back is injured, I can’t fly because my wing broke and I can’t look back because I’m scared it will all come back screaming at me again. So I just stand still waiting. I wait to see the Sun rise that I once saw setting down. My heart aches, my mind questions me and my body seems to have frozen. I only feel. I can only wait.

When I chose to give up and I closed my eyes, I knew my guests were waiting to attack at me again. When I opened my arms and closed my eyes with every tear that rolled down my face I told myself to be patient; to be patient like all tragedies are. I will have to face my guests. I will have to seal my lips and let time tell my tale. When my eyes were closed, the dandelions stopped kissing. I had no glass key to hold this time because I cut off my injured wing. I let fate take another bite of my soul.

Now I breathe

I have gifted gashes all over my body and I see a bride dancing in the ocean before my eyes. I stand steadfast bleeding from every gash that has been presented to me; in body and in soul. The bride looks back at my miserable state and smiles at me before she walks away.

I breathe once – for patience. I want to heal my soul and what eats it from within. I want to get rid of the numbness and feel the pain so that I can pull the thorns out of my back. I want to cut the chains tied across my legs and let blood rush life into them. I want to take baby steps and try to walk again. This time, in peace.

I breathe again – this time for hope. I want to reach out with my injured palms and snatch every star the sky holds. I want to forgive myself and dream of the impossible again. I want to tell myself that it’s ok because there are moments that I cannot control and from fate I can never win.

I breathe once more – for strength. I want to try and smile again. I want that beam in my heart to light up my face one more time. I want to go dancing in the forests and I want to laugh in the crowd again. I want the strength to fight away these satanic gashes of faces and feelings; I want to hold myself close and assure my soul that it’s alright.

I breathe again and this time air reaches my lungs – I breathe for life. I failed to protect my soul, I let the butterfly get shot in its wing, I held the glass key because I loved you too much but I am left with only pain. Yet I lived. I survived. I pray that may bliss come to me from within my core and may it come in such great quantity that it reaches out to others. And I pray that the Sun rises again and that it rises soon for only it will heal my bleeding gashes and tell me that things will change. Only in that light will I be able to see, I be able to trust that life still has some good things to offer. I pray that I can believe again. I pray that I can work to make a future out of this wounded life.

Dear soul, forgive me for what I put you through, forgive me for leaving you with a bitter past and forgive me for making you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy. Let this breath be the start of my repentance and I promise I will breathe back love into you.

belief, dreams, hope

Somebody’s there..

       

We wear a mask for most of the time.. Because at some point the world forgot, or ignored or it probably never knew that our honesty doesn’t lie in the instant smiles we create for the camera, it isn’t in our blog posts that tell our story/desires to be someone we probably can never be..nor is it in our desperate attempt to please the people around us..Rather, honesty is a reflected in our expressions..sometimes in our silence..and it is a matter of mere perception.. And somebody out there recognizes that. Somebody out there knows.