BabyZ, childhood, happiness, life

A letter to my boy from his working mother

Dear Z,

I really hope that when you are reading this you’re a healthy, happy young man. Amma is going to try to explain something to you today but it might take a while because I need to understand it better myself first. Before we begin, let me tell you that ‘writing’ about things can sometimes help you figure out what’s going on in your mind. It’s a way to clean up the mess that’s in there and by the end of it, more than often, you feel better than how you started. I hope you also appreciate writing one day and learn to use it for your benefit.

Your mommy has always been an ambitious person. She has always dreamt big and took challenges to be somewhere in life. In the words of a famous author, ‘I’m not lucky. You know what I am? I am smart, I am talented, I take advantage of the opportunities that come my way and I work really, really hard.’ I hope that by the time you’re old enough to read this, I have succeeded to become a ‘somebody’ in this very competitive world. My point being Z, I’ve always gone the extra mile to do well in my career. I never took the easy way out or comforted myself with an excuse to take a backseat – even if that meant painfully long drives when I was pregnant with you – I worked. I was asked to go to your nana nani’s house for your delivery which is the only reason that I quit work – I was 7 months pregnant then. In my mind I had it all planned out – a 6-month maternity leave and then back on the field. But things hardly ever go the way you plan them.

11th of July, 2015 my life changed forever. I had the most beautiful blessing of God that a person could ask for. I had you. The days flew by in a flash. I was completely indulged in raising you in the best possible way that I could. From being just a corporate lawyer, I had suddenly become your full time consultant, caretaker, chef, nurse, friend, teacher, everything – I was your everything. And with every passing day you made me realize what an important job I was doing. You appreciated me with your cozy hugs and a smile so warm that it would take away my worries and melt my heart.

But I will be honest with you Z, there were days when I just wanted to get out of the house and do something – be something. That bug which was deeply inculcated inside of me kept itching for some kind of self-achievement. I have always loved you more than life itself but there were days when I wanted to be more than just a mother. I wish I knew better.

You have always been an above average baby Z. You were an early crawler, an early walker, talker and what not – you just didn’t want to slow down! And I’ve completely enjoyed watching you achieve your milestones with so much confidence and grace at such a tender age. Before you turned 2 you knew your numbers from 1-10, you could point out and name 5 continents, you knew almost every ‘first word’ from your surroundings (be it food items, vehicles, toys, animals (you would call a porcupine – ponka ponka ponka!)). You knew who Allah is… you would sit with me when I recited the Quraan and point your bubbly little fingers at the words and say ‘Alif, baa, jeeem, haaa’. I can just go on for days boasting about how smart my baby has always been.

It’s a common belief that children generally are very adaptive to changes. Mold them whichever way you want and the little ones just follow. You were always very cooperative with your mama Z. Ever since you were just a couple of months old, you have been very patient with me – especially when we were passing through difficult times as a family. You have always been my pivot – the center of my balance and I cannot tell you how thankful and proud I am of you for being my strength.

It’s been a little over a month since I resumed my job. After many failed attempts to secure a job I was finally hired by a company which has one of the most intimidating and challenging auras that I have ever faced. It’s a daily struggle so far. More so, because I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I have gone from having a multi-tasked 24/7 routine with you to just being a lawyer and that to for someone else.

1st of April 2017, your baba and I dropped you to the daycare for the first time. I was composed for the first hour – thanks to you because you were such a confident and happy baby – but then I just broke down. I sat in our car outside your daycare and I cried. Leaving you there was one of the toughest decisions of my life. To know that you will be fed by someone else and taken care of by someone else and rocked to sleep by someone else. It just ripped my heart. Despite of being an emotionally strong person, parting away from you even for a few hours was one the weakest moments for me. I had to repeatedly console myself that it was ok, that you were ok and happy with your new friends and that sooner or later, you needed this exposure to grow as a strong individual.

During your first week at the daycare, there were noticeable changes in your behavior that worried me all night. You were suddenly becoming cranky and throwing tantrums at every little thing. Your appetite had gone down and it seemed like you were no longer as happy as you used to be with me. I just didn’t understand why. I was making sure that every single hour that I got with you, we were making the most out of it. I would finish all the house chores before it was time for me to pick you from the daycare just so I could spend all my time with you. But something was wrong. I kept having anxiety attacks – I kept getting paranoid that all of this was going to make me fall down on my face.

I asked the daycare in charge what was the matter and she wisely pointed out that the problem was not with you, it was with me. You see Z, a mother and child share a very unique bond. From the time when a baby is in the womb and then perhaps forever, a mother and child are always connected. They reflect in each other’s being. My panic reflected in your behavior. When a mother panics, the child inevitably gets scared because then they don’t understand what’s happening to them and why mommy is going so crazy! The cause of my panic was my guilt. My constant guilt. I was just living with the fact that I was doing something wrong. That instead of being with my baby and playing with him at home and looking after him, I was going out and working. And the feeling multiplied itself by infinity on days when you were even slightly ill. I can’t tell you how much it killed me inside to wake you up in the morning and drop you at the daycare to be able to go to work. In the past one month I have contemplated resigning at least 10 times.

But then I ran into other working mothers. Mothers of more than just one baby, mothers of babies who were just a few weeks old, mothers of children with special needs, single mothers and the list goes on. The world is made up of so many stories Z, so many stories which you and I are not even aware of. Every household has its set of challenges. Every child, every woman, every man wakes up with a dream and then the many hurdles that he or she needs to make way through. I gained support from such many examples around me and more so ever, I had the support of your amazing father, your Aaji and your nana & nani who always stood by me and calmed me down on my crazy days. They were the ones who trusted me and told me that I was capable of fulfilling both roles. That I could be a kick-ass lawyer and an even better mother, both at the same time.

There is another aspect to our situation – the importance of ‘separation’. Like I said above Z, you and I are already connected in a very magical way. It’s plain nature and nothing can ever change it. You have always been and will always be a part of me – literally. And that’s amazing – watching you is like watching a piece of my heart run around and sing adorable nursery rhymes. But you see, despite of being attached naturally, our attachment needs nurturing. That is where separation comes into play. I kind of understood this phenomenon when I moved away from your nana nani after marriage. But the importance of this sensation sunk in when I was separated from you – even for just a couple of hours.

Separation is so important in relationships because due to that separation you realize that you will be reunited. You need to know that the person comes back. That feeling you get when you walk back into the house or for me when I would park the car outside your daycare – my eagerness to see you and to be able to hug you and kiss you after hours, which seem like years, cannot be contained. The excitement just overflows. And I long to hear you scream in your adorable squeaky voice every time I come to pick you at the day care, ‘Mama aaaagaaiiiiii!!’ – those are the most eager few minutes I spend before I can actually hold you and hug you again. This is the importance of separation – it enables you to eagerly look forward to meeting the one you love so much.

I know my job has a new presence in your life. It’s a huge unknown block in our fun-filled bubble of mommy and Z. But I need you to understand that right now it’s a big confusing thing for your mama as well. Even I’m trying very hard to figure it all out and have my life back in control. My job has not only changed your life, it has impacted my own. And most importantly Z, I need you to know that I am working not because I would ever…. EVER choose work over you – I cannot choose ANYTHING over you – but simply because work is also important.

Work is what will allow your mom to support our family. Work is what will allow us to do the things that we want to do as a family. Work is what will encourage mommy to grow as an individual – to be stronger and more confident in her thoughts and decisions. Work is what will urge mommy to learn and be at par with the world. Work is what will perhaps make mommy the kind of woman that she wants you to see and admire. Amongst everything that you have so beautifully learnt my little Z, amma wants you to learn and know and respect women for their individuality, for their opinions and for their emotions – and I pray that by the time you read this, you can proudly say that your mother is an example of women who are strong and respected for who they have struggled to become.

Love & hugs & a million kisses,

Amma

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my happy place ❤
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BabyZ, belief, childhood, dreams, happiness

A new journey with Z

My upbringing was done in quite a unique manner perhaps – it has always been a perfect blend of everything – and when I say everything I mean all the rights and wrongs, all the Easts and Wests – never was it one straight road to simply walk on. Obey the rules but dare to go against the fray; don’t harm anyone in any manner but be crazy sometimes. You know, very oxymoronic (not sure if that’s a word). Thanks to a job well done by my parents, that’s quite the way I’ve lived so far – spontaneous decisions and mostly madness – no regrets. Surprisingly, some major decisions of my life were taken in the spur of the moment – for instance, let’s study law! eeermm why?…. Well, because everyone else seems to be doing BBA! You see, the simplest answers are usually the right ones.

So that’s how it’s been – just jump into a random idea and then explore. Some of my mental rantings have actually either shaped into my professional career or a successful hobby (such as blogging…. ‘let’s just start a blog!’) while some ideas took a backseat midway. But one thing I know for sure today – staying within the given limits or going by the book is not at all conducive to one’s growth and learning. You must dare to take up spontaneous ideas and make them your own. Sometimes you will fall right down on your face and sometimes you will feel an adrenaline rush. Rest assured, you will look back at the madness and be happy about it.

In my father’s words, there are certain “ground realities”. Lord knows how much I love this term! He uses it often and I really like it when he does. It reminds you of your core – it reminds you of where you are anchored. As life goes by, no matter how rebellious you may be, certain rules become set. A basic foundation is laid inevitably and deep within you also become content with it. You have a profession – you have a few set hobbies – you have a certain bunch of friends – you have a favorite color – you have a life which has some ‘ground realities’.  And it’s all going good. But then one day, you have a baby.

You see, having a baby is not just ‘you having a little funny thing to take care of and love endlessly’. No sir. Having a baby also means that now you are someone who that baby is constantly looking up to – more like awkwardly staring up to. So all of a sudden – you become super self-conscious –going from a carefree dare-doer to a role model; an ideal; a mother. Obviously, no one wants their baby to get hurt or go all crazy with life right?! But at the same time we want our children to experience everything that the world has to offer. There are certain facts about the world that you, during the course of your life, have learnt the hard way and would want your baby to trail away from. So what do you do? You aim to become what you want them to become.

Unknowingly you become conscious of your own self and your surroundings. You watch your words, your actions, the way you dress, the people you meet, the way you eat – basically the way you do, think or say everything. You reassess and recalculate each of your decisions because every single thing is being imprinted onto your baby’s fresh canvas. You make sure that your baby sees you as a sorted, strong, civil and composed individual – one that is heard and respected. Someone who knows who they are and what they believe in.

Often, after Z, I have questioned my capabilities and even my values and beliefs. I found myself doubting my thoughts, my feelings and my decisions. I want nothing less than the best out of my Z. I want him to be kind and thoughtful, strong and determined, successful yet well rooted and for him to be all this – I have to be an example who he can look up to. Inevitably you start to hide all your negative or weak traits because in the form of your baby – life has actually given you one more chance to be who you idealize.

There are many things that I have always liked but I never really dwelt into enough. With Z I have had the opportunity to dive into a few things and explore its wonders. I’ve always loved to read and so I try to read to Z almost every day even though I barely get to read on my own any more. He has always been fond of his books and flash cards and I hope he will become an avid reader one day.

I was never too good at geography but I remember when I was back in third grade I really enjoyed learning about continents and oceans and islands etc. So my husband and I decided to cut out the continents and oceans using our amateur drawing skills and some colorful chart paper and turn one of the walls in Z’s room into his world map. He now recognizes almost 5 of the continents and its super cute the way he calls Australia – Austray-lalalalallalala! This way I also get to brush up on some geography myself!

I absolutely love travelling and so did my mum and dad which is why I’ve had the chance to visit quite a few countries. Z has been a traveler too – he had his first road trip when he was only 5 months old! There’s still a whole lot more that I wish to show Z – we still have to travel a lot more – so that he can explore and experience the wonders of different places and learn to appreciate different cultures.

Music is another favorite of mine. But as I mentioned in my earlier post, so far Z and I have been doing all sorts of nursery rhymes. In fact, he knows a few jingles by heart now. Just yesterday when we were on our way home Z started humming a tune and I asked him, are you singing for mama? He nodded. And I requested, can you please sing for me again? And there it was – his adorable little hum again… Hopefully, he will love singing as much as I do.

Art. Alright, I must admit, I can appreciate art but when it came to painting, coloring or drawing myself, I have always dilly-dallied with it. I did do a pencil sketching course once and completely enjoyed it but then never really built up on it. But since I want Z to have a feel of everything and be able to explore all the adventures of life – for the first time, I decided to buy a few paints and a paint brush – not for myself but for my little Picasso.

I really want Z to know the importance of art for I believe it gives you a perspective which is not commonly known to all. He needs to see beyond what appears to everyone and what better medium than art. I still don’t know if painting will be one of the things that Z will excel in but I hope, I really hope that he grows up to appreciate the relevance that art offers for the heart and mind. Hence, it was time to finally embark on a creative journey with Z and do something which I had always loved only from a distance.

So my husband and I planned an activity for Z to do day before yesterday. We got some old newspaper and pasted it all over the floor. Then we cut out an apron from a grocery bag (just Z’s size!), set out three bowls each with a different color of paint and got a few cardboards to act as Z’s canvas for the day! Ta-daa!

Z was absolutely ecstatic for his painting endeavor. He loved his apron and very gracefully wore it throughout the activity. He placed himself right in the centre of the newspaper sheet we had laid down for him, picked up his paint brush and off he went on his colorful journey. At first he carefully marked a few strong strokes of red and green on the cardboard sheets but eventually he realized; ‘what’s the harm if I paint my arm?!’!

My husband and I sat back and enjoyed watching Z explore the colors and the magic they could create. Neither of us can paint but we surely felt therapeutic just watching our little Picasso enjoying himself so much. All three of us wrapped up that activity feeling very accomplished. You see sometimes, even though you have spent all your life in a certain manner, it takes an adorable two-year-old to teach you that it’s ok to color outside the lines.

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My little painter at work
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Z’s artwork
dreams, happiness, hope, life

Perfect words

Today I came across some wonderful pieces of writing – the first one is a short article written by Mary Schmich. She described it as her chance to be dogmatic about her take on life. I think it’s brilliant!

And the second one is a poem from The Desiderata of Happiness which is a compilation of some beautiful poems by Max Ehrmann. This one here is called ‘A Prayer’.
Enjoy!

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young – Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

A Prayer – The Desiderata of Happiness by Max Ehrmann

Let me do my work each day;
and if the darkened hours
of despair overcome me, may I
not forget the strength
that comforted me in the
desolation of other times.

May I still remember the bright
hours that found me walking
over the silent hills of my
childhood, or dreaming on the
margin of a quiet river,
when a light glowed within me,
and I promised my early God
to have courage amid the
tempests of the changing years.

Spare me from bitterness
and from the sharp passions of
unguarded moments. May
I not forget that poverty and
riches are of the spirit.
Though the world knows me not,
may my thoughts and actions
be such as shall keep me friendly
with myself.

Lift up my eyes
from the earth, and let me not
forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others
lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamor of
the world, but walk calmly
in my path.

Give me a few friends
who will love me for what
I am; and keep ever burning
before my vagrant steps
the kindly light of hope.

And though age and infirmity
overtake me, and I come not within
sight of the castle of my dreams,
teach me still to be thankful
for life, and for time’s olden
memories that are good and
sweet; and may the evening’s
twilight find me gentle still.

belief, happiness, hope

[ Untitled ]

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Its past midnight and I have work tomorrow morning and I have no idea why I’m writing this. There were so many moments in my day today where I thought.. no actually, I felt that I needed to do something about this particular thing that I saw or heard or experienced. I don’t know how to explain the feeling.. plus this is an absolutely unplanned post but I’ll try. I’m warning you guys before time that this post might be absolutely gibberish – and yes I did consider putting a password on it fearing that you might judge me – but then what the heck! It’s ok to have random thoughts spilled all over the place sometimes.

Random thought # 1:

We had a long weekend here in my country and for me, none of the days were absolutely amazing – they were all ok – average. I was disappointed in a few people but I chose to keep quiet about it because probably all the confrontation and arguments only heats up already uneasy situations. So well, I’m opting to keep my calm so as long as I can.

Random thought # 2:

Apart from my blog, I have a little sort of a scrapbook where I doodle, scribble and sometimes write stuff to vent out – it’s basically something that I like to keep to myself (primarily because it contains my handwriting which can be quite ugly at times). In that scrapbook, a few years back, I jotted down a list of things I’d want to do in life. Something like a ‘bucket list’. Yes, yes a bucket list like the one from the movie – it’s a term used for real as well! I won’t tell you what I exactly wrote in there but this really close friend of mine left me a message which I saw this morning and it was about how she had started her own blog. I can’t express how excited this news got me because somehow it made me go back to my bucket list which I made about 8-9 years ago. I’ll definitely mention her blog here soon but her email made my day! I hope she has amazing stuff for us to read!

Randomness # 3:

I don’t know how to go about this bit, that I really, really want to share with you all, because I’ve said it so many times in so many ways and you all know this through a gazillion more mediums out there but seriously, there can’t be enough emphasis on just HOW thankful we should be for the lives we have. Seriously. I witnessed and heard of a few stories lately which may seem ordinary if they are to be narrated but if you listen closely or if you really see what is before your very eyes its like life itself is talking to you. Even as I write this and picture a few people in mind I feel the shivers run down my spine. Like I’ve said before, I really don’t know why I’m writing this blog post today but if anyone bothers reading through this please devote one entire day and try to read people’s faces and wonder what story they carry. Random people, anyone you see while you’re walking down the street – just take a minute to notice – to think – to hear them out. You know, it often happens with me and I regard it as God’s blessing on me, that whenever I feel that something horrible has happened in my life I come across someone who actually has what we can call a ‘real’ problem. Honestly, I feel so small at that moment and I feel so utterly stupid for having cried over what I thought was one hell of a happening in my life. Yes, my experiences are mine to live and feel and learn from and they will never be comparable but seriously there are so many people out there – SO MANY PEOPLE – who have feelings and emotions and circumstances in which they are living their lives day in and day out I don’t know HOW.

And such stories are seldom something you and I have never heard of – like I said, it may sound ordinary but try to listen closely. I learnt about a guy who doesn’t have a house, he travels around and performs on the streets from one place to another and earns an average of 200 rupees a day. It’s nothing out of the world maybe – lots of people like this are out there but like seriously? 200? That is all life has come down to for this guy. Think about where and how we spend 200 rupees. 200.

I personally know a couple who age somewhere around their 80s – the uncle has a completely messed up spine because of which he can’t stand upright hence can’t walk properly and he has zero vision. His wife suffers from an acute stage of the Parkinson’s disease coupled with a few other complications that hinder her mobility. Till about a few months back these guys lived alone in a house. The lady can barely stand and the husband can’t see. My family and I visited them often and for whatever time I sat in their house my heart would be in my mouth while I saw them not only manage everything but also talk about how thankful they are for their lives and they never ever complained of the state that they were in – I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW. They live with their son now because they needed assistance. Why am I mentioning this tonight? Because yesterday night I read a small book on Haj/Umrah (Islamic rituals) recently written by the uncle I just told you about.

Maybe all of this is haphazard and has no ‘central theme’ but really I can’t be bothered tonight. I just needed this to be out there.

Whoever you are and whatever you do and if you read this (and for every time that I come back and read this) – Please remember that each day of your life is important. Each day needs YOU to put meaning into it. Do something good, say something nice to someone, smile at a random stranger while you’re on your way to work – you never know what little act of yours eases someone’s pain even if it does so for a minute. Don’t think in terms of payback, just do it because trust me if someone did such a thing for you, you’d love it.

belief, dreams, happiness, life

Stroke of Serendipity

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I once read somewhere that it makes situations a lot easier when you lay things down in a certain perspective – of course it helps only when the perspective is a positive one – but I think that sometimes the only perspective that you’ve got is the fact that you’re there. Breathing. Really there. I think it’s okay to feel things – both good and bad. You probably wouldn’t feel happy about the smallest good thing that happens to you unless you’ve actually thought over the pain a bad thing has caused.

Day before yesterday was a slow day for me. I woke up with a whimper (definitely because it was the start of the week & oh how I hate Monday/Tuesday mornings!) and the rest of the day was just as unexciting as it could be. When I came back home from work, I lazed around for a bit, had dinner, lazed around just a little bit more and then called it a day. After quite some time I slept for quite some time that night! And it felt amazing! I had no dreams to interrupt my sleep and eventually it all summed up to the sort of smile I had on my face the next morning. I felt warm within – CONTENTHAPPY. That morning was simply beautiful.

So at the moment, I’ve had a day where I wanted to pull my hair out and break everything around me followed by a gorgeous morning whereby life seemed worth living for. And what happened in the middle of these two feelings? I slept? That isn’t reason enough I tell you. My answer would be ‘perspective’. It all comes down to a certain point and that point probably lies in how we choose to interpret the realities of life.

In my previous posts I have spoken about finding a cause – a reason. We all like to be able to sum things up in a single, uncomplicated reason. We believe it neatens our life’s uncertainties. I recently read a little story and it made me smile –

In the olden days, ancient Egyptians were taken aback by great surprise when they witnessed the Sun disappear every evening. They, quite naturally, wondered where it was headed EVERYDAY with such punctuality and poise. They got their heads together in order to ‘solve’ the mystery. After much ado, they concluded that the Sun was swallowed by a sky goddess called ‘Nuit’ who then gave birth to it every morning in the East. There! That’s explained – mystery solved! I reckon they all lived happily ever after that finding.

Point being dear readers, any explanation is better than no explanation atall. We all agree to that – we all like that. But that’s not the case every time. This search for a reason can brutally murder the belief in perception which is so very necessary for survival. Facts and reasons derived through human logic can be amended at any point in time. It’s the perception that we own. We can change it to our will or stick to it for the rest of our lives irrespective of where the facts go. We all know people who show off fancy beliefs when they say ‘Oh I just keep myself happy no matter what happens! I’m just so used to of seeing only the good in everything that I’m hardly ever upset!’. Well.. hate them as much as you want to, but honestly, they’re the ones doing it right.

I was thinking of writing a blog post last night about something inspirational, something positive. See, I could tell you some story of where I’ve been super brave and have shown great self composure and calm and what not! I could tell you all of that and more despite of having had some waves that came crashing into my life so strongly that I found it inevitable to restore my equilibrium and tranquility for a while. Yes, things happen, we make our share of mistakes (life didn’t come with a set of instructions), we learn, we move on etc etc etc. But one thing that decides how and where we end up is our perspective towards everything. And maybe that is the point. Maybe we need to remind ourselves that it takes both rain and sunshine to form a rainbow.

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I could tell you so many things. So many things from whatever perspective I choose. But this is what I pictured this morning and this is what I choose to see –

Everyone’s stories are just bits and pieces of a bigger picture, a road map… each story is like a tiny luminescent star on the screen of a pitch black sky – some stars twinkle and some don’t but together they make the sky look mesmerizing. I see myself standing before a blue-green ocean with a compass in my hand and the wind blowing my hair. I am an incomparable flower of my kind and my soul is my butterfly with its wing outstretched waiting to take off as soon as the compass points me towards eternal bliss… Life is indeed too short to dwell upon anything else but bright hopes for a better tomorrow.

‘Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.’ Steve Maraboli

belief, happiness, life

fill up my senses

Today our city had its first rain of the monsoon season.. I had called in sick at work hence enjoyed my time at home with family. For as long as I remember I was never a huge fan of ‘rain’.. not that I didn’t like it but I never really liked it either.. if it was raining, well it was raining. But this year I was actually waiting for it to start raining; I wanted it to rain. And I realized how badly I was wanting this when it started raining cats and dogs today. I loved it. Absolutely loved it. Right from the cloudy weather to the winds to the rain hitting the ground and the walk I took down the lane with the smell of wet grass and all*heart heart* I even had music playing in the back of my head making it all look nicer. Conclusively, today was great!

Today, for me, also marks an entire year to another day which was good when it was there. I was happy that day too and I thought that that new beginning would bring with it waves of new happiness. None of any of that happened. Last year the first monsoon rain was on the 6th of September and I didn’t like it too much back then – probably because I was too busy being happy about other things which I didn’t know weren’t going to last. There was a picture which I edited from that day and I put a caption on it that said ‘In the end reality is better than dreams..’. Back then I thought the reality that I was living was beautiful – it wasn’t. I know I am lucky, I know God’s listening to me and hence i pray that may that picture – that caption and all those memories .. I pray that this year’s rain washes it all away.

May the sun bring you new energy by day
May the moon softly restore you by night
May the rain wash away your worries
May the breeze blow new strength into your being
May you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life

My initial post for today ended there – but I decided to add this little bit to it.. I wrote a post a few days ago which was an instant ‘venting out’ thing (I’ve deleted it now..).. a friend said that everything in that post was contrary to the me he knows and I agreed. I started this blog because I knew I could write.. or at least express myself in words.. It’s because of this blog that I realized that writing was my way of escape. It makes me feel better every time I empty myself in words. I absolutely love it. Then, eventually my friends started following my blog.. Some posted comments.. Some called me to talk about what I had posted.. and I can’t deny that knowing that people like and appreciate your work feels amazing! I learnt with time that I have some special people who are reading my blog regularly even though I have never met them in person nor have I ever spoken to them. I share a very unique relationship with them – because we know each other only through these blog posts. I understand that my friends and the other readers of this blog wish me well.. They want to see me happy.. They know me as a strong person and that I tell you I am.. and I know that one of my latest blog posts was very disappointing for them. I fell short of your expectations for which I owe you all an apology. But honestly, sometimes venting out is irrational and not thought of, which is probably why it’s also pretty much nonsense. So consider that blog post as absolute nonsense please! 🙂

I wanted to add this paragraph for two reasons; one because I need you all to know that I appreciate your concern sooo much and I feel blessed to be surrounded by so many well-wishers.. and two, because I also need you to know that some experiences of life that we live through we forget eventually but some experiences carve into us – they remain because they have helped us grow as a person. They teach us more about ourselves and every time we go back to thinking about what happened, those experiences only remind us of how strong and how blessed we are.

Anyhow, coming back to my post for today – I assure you all that the weather in my city is great, it is expected to rain for a few more days and I am looking forward to it, I still hate having to wake up at 6 for work and so far my friends, my days are busy, filled with some good madness and when I prepare to sleep I have a smile on my face because I know tomorrow will definitely be an absolutely wonderful day! 🙂 I love you all..

belief, childhood, happiness, memories

What father’s do best

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He’d tip toe into my bedroom every Thursday morning and slowly pull down the comforter from my face, brush his hands through my hair and whisper ‘wake up princess’. Then he’d tickle me for a bit until I’d be sitting up on the bed staring at him with my big curious eyes wondering what he had planned for this weekend – we’d either go out for a long drive by the sea and have ice cream or I’d tag along with him to his office and feel smart because I knew how to use Microsoft Paint. As a kid, I absolutely loved my Thursday mornings.

We live in a cruel world where who and what changes when is absolutely unpredictable. As much as parenthood took me by surprise when I began to realize what parents were all about – the idea of being a father daunts upon me even more. I sometimes, quite often actually, don’t understand this selfless way of living life. I know for sure that I’d be an epic fail at fatherhood.

Fathers teach us well. They tell us how to use a dictionary. They help us write our essays and teach us how to tell the time. They are always standing right behind us while we try riding our bicycles & every time we ride a few steps forward we turn back to make sure that they are there – and they are always standing there telling us how great we’re doing. They give us the push while we’re on the swing and we feel like we’re almost going to kiss the sky fearlessly because our dad is right behind us to catch us if we fall. He’s that silent voice in the back of our minds telling us constantly ‘I know you can do this!’.

They taught us to sneak candies from the jar when our mums were busy washing the dishes. They took our pictures when we were caught hiding under the table hurrying up finishing off our junk food right before dinner. They would get us the latest Disney movie and watch it with us until we fell asleep in their arms. They pushed our hair out of our faces while we’re busy setting up our doll house or coloring our minds out. They would walk past us and rustle our hair when we’d be done with the task of our day. They would stand in front of the stove on Friday mornings and cook like they’re our heroes while we would sit on the kitchen table, swinging our legs back and forth  admiring how cool our daddies are! Right from giving us a ride on their shoulders to cheering for us on our graduation day – they’ve always been there like our backbone. And most importantly, they never say ‘I’m scared’ or ‘I’m worried’ or ‘I’m nervous’ – and we never think they are.  =)

But one day, we grow up and we become all smart and we have a fancy degree and a flashy job title – ‘We know the world  better than you dad’. It just makes me smile. Because fathers..? They were always our role model – always our heroes. We grew up feeling safe and warm because we believed that they knew it all. Nothing could touch us because our dad was on the watch all night while we slept under the glowing sticker stars that he put on our bedroom ceilings. Yet sometimes today, when we ‘know-it-all’ and we know that something is bothering them, they just pat our backs and tell us to ignore the damp corners of their eyes – ‘It’s nothing, don’t worry your little head, everything’s just fine princess!’. It makes me smile over and over again. They always told us that their 5 hours sleep was all that they needed and it was absolutely fine to drive a hundred kilometers back and forth to pick us from one place and drop us to the other and then pick us up again. It makes me smile today thinking that back then I had no idea how much a kilometer was and it all looked so easy to do..

And so it makes me think that all of that since forever and what’s their reason??

My dad drops me at work almost every morning and as I jump out of the car and say ‘bye abbu!‘, he reminds me every day not to forget to text him when I reach my desk and I’m all settled in to start the day. Every day when I text him ‘I’ve reached. You have a good day and take care and please smoke less today!’, he replies ‘You take care too and have a great smiley day’.

That’s all that he asks for. That’s all that they all ask for – stuff like ‘take care’, ‘text me and let me know if you’re okay’, ‘call me when you reach home safely’, ‘have a smiley day’ –  Thinking of what they want in return does make me smile.

Love you loads Abbu..

I may be fairly good at vomiting the random ramblings of my mind in words, I may have a degree and I may be good enough to go get another one, I may think I know today’s world better than you but I could never be as good as you are and have always been if I were to be a father. You are and will always be my hero Abbu! Love you loads! =)
Happy Birthday!