dreams, happiness, hope, life

Perfect words

Today I came across some wonderful pieces of writing – the first one is a short article written by Mary Schmich. She described it as her chance to be dogmatic about her take on life. I think it’s brilliant!

And the second one is a poem from The Desiderata of Happiness which is a compilation of some beautiful poems by Max Ehrmann. This one here is called ‘A Prayer’.

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young – Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.


Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.


Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

A Prayer – The Desiderata of Happiness by Max Ehrmann

Let me do my work each day;
and if the darkened hours
of despair overcome me, may I
not forget the strength
that comforted me in the
desolation of other times.

May I still remember the bright
hours that found me walking
over the silent hills of my
childhood, or dreaming on the
margin of a quiet river,
when a light glowed within me,
and I promised my early God
to have courage amid the
tempests of the changing years.

Spare me from bitterness
and from the sharp passions of
unguarded moments. May
I not forget that poverty and
riches are of the spirit.
Though the world knows me not,
may my thoughts and actions
be such as shall keep me friendly
with myself.

Lift up my eyes
from the earth, and let me not
forget the uses of the stars.
Forbid that I should judge others
lest I condemn myself.
Let me not follow the clamor of
the world, but walk calmly
in my path.

Give me a few friends
who will love me for what
I am; and keep ever burning
before my vagrant steps
the kindly light of hope.

And though age and infirmity
overtake me, and I come not within
sight of the castle of my dreams,
teach me still to be thankful
for life, and for time’s olden
memories that are good and
sweet; and may the evening’s
twilight find me gentle still.

belief, hope, memories

saying too much

I walk the road with strangers

And unravel their traits with all my wise

Yet they trick me almost always

Probably because I say too much


I sit with a cup of tea and intimacy

I share my secrets and let them confide

Little did I know the truth always slipped from in between my toes

Probably because I was busy saying too much


I smiled through everything that seemed a bit odd

Patience and compromise had to be the key

Naked eyes refused to see that the hearts were already preoccupied

Probably because the lips have been saying too much


Distances meant nothing when I had to caress a relationship

And conflicting views had no effect on me

But who after all dwells in such selfless love these days

And probably I have just been saying too much


I sit in wonder riddled by my interpretations

When will all the actors come bare foot?

I wait for them now to share their jokes and secrets

For probably I have been saying too much


I empty my heart in a crimson abyss

Although I know they are all privy to cynicism

Standing on the brink of sanity I ask my soul to hush

Perhaps I realize that I have been saying too much..

belief, happiness, hope

[ Untitled ]


Its past midnight and I have work tomorrow morning and I have no idea why I’m writing this. There were so many moments in my day today where I thought.. no actually, I felt that I needed to do something about this particular thing that I saw or heard or experienced. I don’t know how to explain the feeling.. plus this is an absolutely unplanned post but I’ll try. I’m warning you guys before time that this post might be absolutely gibberish – and yes I did consider putting a password on it fearing that you might judge me – but then what the heck! It’s ok to have random thoughts spilled all over the place sometimes.

Random thought # 1:

We had a long weekend here in my country and for me, none of the days were absolutely amazing – they were all ok – average. I was disappointed in a few people but I chose to keep quiet about it because probably all the confrontation and arguments only heats up already uneasy situations. So well, I’m opting to keep my calm so as long as I can.

Random thought # 2:

Apart from my blog, I have a little sort of a scrapbook where I doodle, scribble and sometimes write stuff to vent out – it’s basically something that I like to keep to myself (primarily because it contains my handwriting which can be quite ugly at times). In that scrapbook, a few years back, I jotted down a list of things I’d want to do in life. Something like a ‘bucket list’. Yes, yes a bucket list like the one from the movie – it’s a term used for real as well! I won’t tell you what I exactly wrote in there but this really close friend of mine left me a message which I saw this morning and it was about how she had started her own blog. I can’t express how excited this news got me because somehow it made me go back to my bucket list which I made about 8-9 years ago. I’ll definitely mention her blog here soon but her email made my day! I hope she has amazing stuff for us to read!

Randomness # 3:

I don’t know how to go about this bit, that I really, really want to share with you all, because I’ve said it so many times in so many ways and you all know this through a gazillion more mediums out there but seriously, there can’t be enough emphasis on just HOW thankful we should be for the lives we have. Seriously. I witnessed and heard of a few stories lately which may seem ordinary if they are to be narrated but if you listen closely or if you really see what is before your very eyes its like life itself is talking to you. Even as I write this and picture a few people in mind I feel the shivers run down my spine. Like I’ve said before, I really don’t know why I’m writing this blog post today but if anyone bothers reading through this please devote one entire day and try to read people’s faces and wonder what story they carry. Random people, anyone you see while you’re walking down the street – just take a minute to notice – to think – to hear them out. You know, it often happens with me and I regard it as God’s blessing on me, that whenever I feel that something horrible has happened in my life I come across someone who actually has what we can call a ‘real’ problem. Honestly, I feel so small at that moment and I feel so utterly stupid for having cried over what I thought was one hell of a happening in my life. Yes, my experiences are mine to live and feel and learn from and they will never be comparable but seriously there are so many people out there – SO MANY PEOPLE – who have feelings and emotions and circumstances in which they are living their lives day in and day out I don’t know HOW.

And such stories are seldom something you and I have never heard of – like I said, it may sound ordinary but try to listen closely. I learnt about a guy who doesn’t have a house, he travels around and performs on the streets from one place to another and earns an average of 200 rupees a day. It’s nothing out of the world maybe – lots of people like this are out there but like seriously? 200? That is all life has come down to for this guy. Think about where and how we spend 200 rupees. 200.

I personally know a couple who age somewhere around their 80s – the uncle has a completely messed up spine because of which he can’t stand upright hence can’t walk properly and he has zero vision. His wife suffers from an acute stage of the Parkinson’s disease coupled with a few other complications that hinder her mobility. Till about a few months back these guys lived alone in a house. The lady can barely stand and the husband can’t see. My family and I visited them often and for whatever time I sat in their house my heart would be in my mouth while I saw them not only manage everything but also talk about how thankful they are for their lives and they never ever complained of the state that they were in – I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW. They live with their son now because they needed assistance. Why am I mentioning this tonight? Because yesterday night I read a small book on Haj/Umrah (Islamic rituals) recently written by the uncle I just told you about.

Maybe all of this is haphazard and has no ‘central theme’ but really I can’t be bothered tonight. I just needed this to be out there.

Whoever you are and whatever you do and if you read this (and for every time that I come back and read this) – Please remember that each day of your life is important. Each day needs YOU to put meaning into it. Do something good, say something nice to someone, smile at a random stranger while you’re on your way to work – you never know what little act of yours eases someone’s pain even if it does so for a minute. Don’t think in terms of payback, just do it because trust me if someone did such a thing for you, you’d love it.

belief, dreams, happiness, hope, memories

3 months down, a lifetime to go..

Whatever the days are made up of, I can’t deny that some of them are pretty hard to pass. Some days I uncontrollably slide down a downward spiral of memories that I wish to erase now; some days I just fall flat on my face unable to pull myself up together and the rest of them? They’re not too bad I guess.

It’s been 3 months since then and although things are much more stable now, I still tend to zone out of the human time frame occasionally. Occasionally – definitely sounds reassuring; good that the frequency has come down to ‘occasionally’.

During those days I had gotten into a habit – one that I found great difficulty fighting later –the habit of killing time. I’d wake up every morning with the same agenda & prayer for the day – I hope it passes quickly. It was pathetic. It still feels pathetic to have lived months like that. I had no direction. I was just waking up every day with a red marker in my hand waiting for the 24 hours to tick by so that I could decorate my calendar with another cross – That.Was.It. – My life, my days, my hours and everything in between, were only being lived so that they could pass. There was no aim for the present, no time to cherish anything about the past and no dream for the future because I was too busy counting the seconds as I swung back and forth with the red marker in my hand.

When it all ended – I woke up with a void. It was as if I had nothing left to do. I didn’t need to pray for the day to ‘just pass’ anymore – it didn’t really matter now. So initially I used to just walk around with a blank mind. I had no clue about what I should or I could do. My path had changed but I still had no direction. None at all. Pretty pathetic, yet again.

But time waits for none and it didn’t wait for me to figure anything out either. It’s been 3 months now and I actually feel better. Great family, a handful of amazing friends, decent job to keep me busy all day and a Masters degree that I am looking forward to – can’t thank God enough. Last week I was talking to my best friend and she asked me what plans I had for the next day. It took me less than a minute to blurt out my to-do list to her and once I was done, I realized.. that felt great! Although things have gotten better now, I still keep giving myself daily lessons about what really matters and what’s the truth in today. These are the few things that cross my mind almost everyday:

1.      There has to be a purpose in every minuteIrrespective of how many times I’ve already said this; it’s absolutely pathetic to wake up each day just wanting it to be over! We are all breathing as humans for a purpose – it’s better to move towards finding it. I tell myself everyday that I must have a reason to wake up in the morning – a reason that tells me why I am created the way I am and the reason better be convincing!

2.     Work ≠ life. If you’re waking up every morning because you have to work and if you’re working 5 days a week because that’s what gets you your paycheck – something is majorly wrong! I was thinking about this the other day that I am kind of growing old now and all my life has been about moving a step up – achieving whatever’s next and its sad that up till a few weeks back, I felt like my life had lowered down to the point where it was all about getting a paycheck at the end of every month – period. Thinking about it makes my stomach tie up in knots – what if there was no need to spend money anywhere tomorrow? What if I woke up in this completely new system one day where every necessity came for free? I wouldn’t care less about my paychecks then right?

3.       Seldom does it turn out the way you expected it to be. Just the thought of how MANY examples I can mention in this section makes me smile. You can plan all you want and know even more but it’s reality’s next unfolding that dispels all you thought you knew in a second. I once read somewhere that if you want God to smile, make a plan. I can’t stop nodding my head to that statement.

4.       As an extension to the last point – stop expecting rainbows! As difficult as it may seem but the fact of the matter is that learning only begins when all your genius is trashed away by nature. When fate kicks in, that’s where we get our reality check. What we believe to be the ultimate truth today might totally shift its axis depending upon what tomorrow brings with it. It’s scary. And scarier is the fact that not only our beliefs may change course but along with that the intensity and proximity that we attach to those beliefs shift as well. It’s so important to know what you’re expecting tomorrow to be like and yes, it’s a good thing being optimistic but being realistic is so much more important.

5.       There are a few core facts; and the most important one is – you are worth it all. Regardless of whether we accept it or not, everyone has this benchmark in their minds after which they believe they shall be branded to be taken seriously. For me, I thought that would happen when I finished law school. My degree was some sort of a reassuring license to the idea of actual existence. But when I began working and all that didn’t happen because I still had a long way to go and I still wasn’t tall enough to jump my imaginary line – I decided to go out and make it happen myself. I had to make sure that I was taken seriously and not treated as someone who you could cut off in between the line. Some days I get there, some days I don’t but every day I wake up with the decision that if it has to happen I have to make it happen.

For as long as things were easy and smooth I obviously had no clue how bad they could get. It’s been hard. The past few months have been downright difficult for most of the time. And I write it out because it’s hard to explain the feeling verbally. I’ve held this inside because I thought my strength lies in pretending to be fine whenever anyone asks how I was handling life as opposed to actually handling life. Change scares me. I find changes difficult to accommodate to. Always. And sometimes blurting it all out makes me feel good.

The one thing that continues to intimidate me is that there is so much of so much to let go, to forgive and to learn. I always say that this life is temporary but who knows how many years you have left. However, I guess what’s important in the middle of this chaos is to hold your ground to the few core facts – facts like, everyone deserves to be happy… at least happy. I will always be in the position to define what’s ‘fine’ in my life even if it doesn’t work for anyone else and its experiences that make us capable of controlling our lives a little more. Some experiences are not just a result of a good or a bad choice that you made; they become intrinsic to who you are – they become part of your core. So much so that whatever else around that shifts its axis or evolves, it doesn’t affect your core, it only causes amendments to how you would have responded and how you choose to respond today. I guess it wouldn’t be so complex if every feeling, every dream and every hope were tied together to a common ground of self-love, pride, faith and the power that vests in each one of us. Maybe then the world wouldn’t be such a scary place to live in afterall.

belief, childhood, happiness, hope

To the girl on the swing

So we’ve all been told atleast once in our lifetime that we must stay positive, dream big, make mistakes and learn from them and eventually move on. We all know that in the end this life is about ‘survival’ and why not stay happy while it lasts? But no matter how much I know today either because of time or experiences, I still secretly wish that someone had whispered all this in my ear earlier – much earlier.

My parents made a home video of me when I was about 2 years old. It’s all about what my day would look like back then; right from brushing my teeth in the morning to jumping on the bed before I’d fall asleep at night. I love watching that video. There’s a part in it where I’m sitting on a swing that my dad put up for me in the house – my mum is giving my swing slight pushes while my dad zooms in and out with the handycam. They were throwing rapid questions at me and were making me tell stories just to capture what funny ideas and huge dreams my two year old mind had. There’s one point where they ask me if I knew a word that started with the letter Q and I said ‘Queeeeeeenn!’ and it didn’t end there.. I continued to say in my jumpy mood ‘Nazan will be a queeeeen one day!’.

I sometimes wish that this older me, who’s on the other side of the TV, was the one with the handycam in my hand watching a younger me swing her heart out; I’d probably pause the recording for a bit, stop the swing, kneel down and look at the younger me in her big bright eyes and tell her a few important things that I know she will want to know and believe in and need while growing up gets in her way…

You must always, always feel that rush of fresh air that you were feeling right now when you were swinging back and forth – you must remember to breath in and smile as if you are on top of this world. You must dance and sing and jump around while you’re at it because at that moment you’ll feel free. Be as joyful and carefree as you can be, for as long as you can. Always bask in the opportunity to act and think like a two year old – amongst the seriousness that life will bring, trust me you’ll want to dwell in such opportunities. Throw your arms up in the air – as high as you possibly can – and play with the stars and clouds. Life will try and get serious with you, but you tell it to go away. Make sure you don’t let it take its toll on the happy, playful you. I want you to remember that there will be a lot of seriousness and stressful stuff .. like big, bad stuff.. but in the end, when you look at the entire picture as a whole – all that won’t even be significant. The prominent parts of that big picture will be flashing at you in pink and blue!

In a few years the only thing on your mind will be a virtual race. Everyone is a part of it – at school, at University, at work.. everyone is always competing, wanting to put the other one down so that they can move a step up – closer to what they call ‘achievements’. Remember little one, those will never be the achievements that define who you are or what you have made out of your life. Yes, it will look like the most important thing at that moment but you must keep your focus on building yourself – on collecting those pink and blue memories that will define your life.

Be an individual and always be true to yourself. A lot of situations, a lot of life’s ugly tricks will put you down and break your back but you must never let them define how you look at yourself. Don’t be a bully and limit how others look at themselves – nobody deserves to be treated badly – not you and not anyone else.

School will seem tough but make sure you make the most out of it. You’ll miss it once you’re through. Work will be the one thing that will try and consume you as a whole – resist it. Give your best to your work/career and be driven but never forget to play. You must enjoy what you’re doing – if it doesn’t give you time to be happy – then it’s not worth it. There will be a lot of times when you will have to take big decisions – big and important decisions. Those might be the reasons for a turn in your life. Hold your ground, take a deep breath, pray to God and listen to your heart. And while you’re doing all this, just before you blurt out what you want, make sure that your decision keeps you content if not necessarily happy. That feeling always lasts longer.

Enjoy your childhood for as long as you can. The title of being a ‘grown up’ will eventually come to you and I hope it comes to you in bliss. Be confident. Stand tall and bold. Value the words: individual, self respect and love. Hold onto your manners, remember that ‘thank you’ is a magic word, remember that a smile is always warm and everyone loves it. Treat your parents well; they are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. Never miss a chance to tell anyone; family, friends, colleagues, even your pet that you love them or you miss them or you wish that they were with you or that you were with them or that they make a difference in your life and that they are important. Don’t hesitate to apologize – but make sure its heartfelt. Remember relationships are meant to be treasured and they must strengthen with time. Do and say what you feel; those will be one of the ‘pink and blue’ moments of your map at the end.

Make good friends. Those who make you smile. Those with whom you can be yourself. Those who make you more than what you are. Life will throw in its tricks but despite of everything, if you have that friend by your side in the end – hold tight to him/her. Share your stories with them, lend them a ear, stick up for them and if that calls for a fight; fight. Choose your friends like you pick your favorite colors from a box of crayons. Look for compassion, honesty, humor and kindness. You will need such friends by you when you fall.

Your heart – it will be your best friend at times and it might hurt the most at others. Never run away. You will want to find a story that matches up with the fairy tale dream that you built but always think about the big picture; the ultimate map of your life. There, only ‘you’ matter. Be sincere and love with sincerity. Many times you will want to rebel against your own self but be patient instead. Find someone who will not define you but will let you be good on your own and better with them with you. Find someone who not only accepts but respects your dreams and forbids you to give up on them. Find someone who you can talk to for hours, always. And when you’ve found that person, look for a million ways to keep them with you forever.

And before I let you swing again, I want you to promise me that you will always hold onto to every dream that you have today. No matter how wild or impossible they seem later but never let go of them. Never let anyone tell you that your dreams are a fantasy, that they are irrational. Never listen to them because who knows if you let go of your dreams someone else just might snatch them up and live them instead. Hold onto who you are today and hold on tight. It’s a rough ride ahead. All of this that I have told you might help you when you’re down but don’t bother trying to analyze and understand life. Here are two huge secrets; life is temporary and it makes no sense at all. Just believe in yourself and follow your heart. Cry when you feel like it, be kind to yourself and to others, give warm hugs, kiss with passion, dance like no one’s watching, smile even without a reason, fall but remember to get back up, ask whenever you need help, don’t stop learning and let life be simple. Let it be as simple as it already is right now.


dreams, happiness, hope, memories

Break through

You saw a bird and you liked it. You gave her a cage made of gold. A cage it was after all.

For a while she loved her new apparently luxurious home but then her loneliness began haunting her. You used to shake the cage up vigorously and swing it around in huge circles. You didn’t let the bird hold on to a corner; you didn’t let her get some sleep. At first she thought you loved her and maybe this was one of your ways of expressing your love. So initially she smiled and believed that you were playing around but then she began to worry a little because you never seemed to stop and eventually the pain became unbearable. Annoyed of all the disturbances and anguish that you bestowed, the bird began to put up her fight. She fought to shut you up for a while. She fought to make you realize. She fought to get some mercy. She screamed at and wrestled with the iron bars of your golden cage; she screamed and wrestled in despair. None of those bars ever moved an inch. They all just teased the bird who was locked in their painful embrace.

Pleading for mercy was her next resort. She cried and begged to get some peace or be set free but nothing, nothing melted those iron bars. Nothing melted your heart either. You seemed pretentious but you showed no sympathy.

Then one day the cage stopped shaking. The noise and the screams and swirling around in circles – everything just stopped. All the chaos had suddenly vanished. And just when the bird slightly peeked out of its wings, the iron bars began to slide sideways. Quickly she hid behind her wings again, scared of what might be coming towards her. One minute passed -two and then three. Nothing came. Nothing hurt her. The serenity was creepy but it prevailed.

As careful as she could be, the bird dared to peek once more. Her vision of the world was for once, not hindered by the iron bars. She saw right through the open door of her cage and the world was so endless, so clear that she almost wanted to jump forward and take a bite of it. After all, this was so close to the sense of freedom that she had been longing for.

But doubts and fear incapacitated her sense of being. She couldn’t help but ask herself over and over again ‘Could this be another trap? Will I be fooled again that this pain is an expression of love?’. Despite the world calling for her to step out and fly away, the bird quietly crawled backwards and refused to escape. She had the opportunity all along but she had deceived herself way too much to risk any further damage. What fate had to bring to her, she couldn’t deny so she sat back quietly and became fate’s most loyal spectator. She cautiously observed her surrounding and then her eyes would come back to the open door of the cage. She looked around at the iron bars waiting for them to snap back at her with one of their ugly tricks. But nothing happened. She looked again and again but they seemed to have fallen asleep. It was as if someone had pulled the plug out and everything had come to rest.

She still didn’t believe this calmness. She tried to listen to every molecule that swung around her head. She waited patiently – one breath at a time – always ready for the next attack – always letting fear prevail; the fear of not knowing why you are getting hurt.

Days passed by but the iron bars didn’t close back. The cage still did not shake. Nothing hurt her. There was complete silence all around. Her eyelids began to close – perhaps they were too tired of staying awake; of staying alert. She took a restless nap but even that felt really good. Tranquility coupled with consistency – just the thought of it seemed absolutely magical!

So have I been finally heard? Are the iron bars telling me that I may leave? I don’t want to believe in what is being shown to me so just tell me will you, am I free??

One step at a time and every step was marred with intervals of the fear of being drastically hurt again. Just stop me now if this is a trick. Please God just stop me now. Her heart was beating in her throat and finally after days of observation, she crawled towards the open door. Tears rolled down her face once again… but this time not out of the misery – this time it was out of a bittersweet pain.

How I had loved this golden cage of yours. I loved it with all my heart. How I would have sung in it happily for all my life. How I would have embraced you as my master. But today, in her state of half-consciousness she has one question for God, for all the people who witnessed her agony, for the friends that she had left outside and for him – she only asks ‘why?’.

She finally stood on the edge of the cage and looked outside from its open door. She stared at the world for hours and she still can’t believe her eyes. Is it really over? She breathes once and once again and once again and then she sighs. She wouldn’t look back into the cage and she’s too weak to fly off tonight. So she just stands there waiting for the incessant deception to end. She waits there until she truly believes. She waits to be able to fly again. Because when she does, just wait and see – she’ll take off faster than any shooting star and disappear in the deep thick clouds for a long, long time. You’ll never be able to trace her again and she’ll never look down to see .. your cage of gold that she thought was her home to be.

leaving everything behind…
belief, dreams, hope

Breathe in me now

I lived

Awash with ironic antonyms of life I danced in and out of every passing day. I was carefree. I was free. Friends, family, events, parties, work, sleep, patience, impatience, madness, sanity, happy days, bad days; everything ran around in random directions without ever colliding. And Me? I had my share of ups and downs in life but life was good.

I dreamt

There were nights when the full moon started pouring its light down my window and I would lie down counting stars; praying for him. And on one of those nights, in the middle of a beautiful dream, I confessed.. I confessed that I loved him. I had let go of a butterfly that night. Just like a free spirited soul. My soul, perhaps, is still the same except for you don’t see it dancing with the days or laughing in the crowd anymore. You don’t see its face beaming with the light in her heart anymore. In fact, now you don’t see that soul at all.

I lived a dream

That butterfly believed in three words he said and shot out of its home to be all his – for eternity. I wore his ring and he wore mine. Nothing could bring me down during those days. I was living my dream. The world could hear my laughter while I swung in the merry-go-round. The canvas of my life was full of colors of red and blue and yellow and pink. I had rings of flowers on my head. I often look for that girl now. Perhaps she died somewhere in that carnival of her life. Perhaps that butterfly got shot in its wing. I can now only see her ghost in my mirrors.

I still dreamt

Settled in a corner, while the world laughed and rejoiced, I closed my eyes and saw the Sun set in the West. I closed my eyes and tears rolled down and then I forced a smile. With a broken wing, I still wanted to dream. I saw a girl who was always hurt in the playground but she’d get up, brush off the sand from her pants and run to the slide again. But this time she was tired of getting hurt. This time she just sat and watched the other kids play. I still tried to make sense of everything. The wing ached but the foolish heart continued to dream. I saw dandelions kissing each other and I thought that my thousand aches will do the same before I start my journey in my little home. I dreamt and I hoped and based on just that I locked away my broken wing with a fragile glass key. And every time I did that, the glass key broke in my palm and now along with a broken wing I had blood lines across my palms. Every time someone asked me why I looked so pale I’d smile and offer them tea; and then during tea I’d tell them tales of other people’s ironic misfortunes. But in reality I was only hoping to get a hint. I was hoping to get some answers.

Now when I look at everyone, I see them laugh. Two sips of tea and they know my story. They know who I am. They look at me and they see through me. How could I not tell of this clarity before which now strikes my mind and soul like a sharp knife? Why did I not fly away from that deadly carnival?

 I surrendered

I stand on the seashore today and questions slip through between my toes. I stare at the blank endless ocean desperately searching for a defined horizon and I can’t find it. I can’t sit down because my back is injured, I can’t fly because my wing broke and I can’t look back because I’m scared it will all come back screaming at me again. So I just stand still waiting. I wait to see the Sun rise that I once saw setting down. My heart aches, my mind questions me and my body seems to have frozen. I only feel. I can only wait.

When I chose to give up and I closed my eyes, I knew my guests were waiting to attack at me again. When I opened my arms and closed my eyes with every tear that rolled down my face I told myself to be patient; to be patient like all tragedies are. I will have to face my guests. I will have to seal my lips and let time tell my tale. When my eyes were closed, the dandelions stopped kissing. I had no glass key to hold this time because I cut off my injured wing. I let fate take another bite of my soul.

Now I breathe

I have gifted gashes all over my body and I see a bride dancing in the ocean before my eyes. I stand steadfast bleeding from every gash that has been presented to me; in body and in soul. The bride looks back at my miserable state and smiles at me before she walks away.

I breathe once – for patience. I want to heal my soul and what eats it from within. I want to get rid of the numbness and feel the pain so that I can pull the thorns out of my back. I want to cut the chains tied across my legs and let blood rush life into them. I want to take baby steps and try to walk again. This time, in peace.

I breathe again – this time for hope. I want to reach out with my injured palms and snatch every star the sky holds. I want to forgive myself and dream of the impossible again. I want to tell myself that it’s ok because there are moments that I cannot control and from fate I can never win.

I breathe once more – for strength. I want to try and smile again. I want that beam in my heart to light up my face one more time. I want to go dancing in the forests and I want to laugh in the crowd again. I want the strength to fight away these satanic gashes of faces and feelings; I want to hold myself close and assure my soul that it’s alright.

I breathe again and this time air reaches my lungs – I breathe for life. I failed to protect my soul, I let the butterfly get shot in its wing, I held the glass key because I loved you too much but I am left with only pain. Yet I lived. I survived. I pray that may bliss come to me from within my core and may it come in such great quantity that it reaches out to others. And I pray that the Sun rises again and that it rises soon for only it will heal my bleeding gashes and tell me that things will change. Only in that light will I be able to see, I be able to trust that life still has some good things to offer. I pray that I can believe again. I pray that I can work to make a future out of this wounded life.

Dear soul, forgive me for what I put you through, forgive me for leaving you with a bitter past and forgive me for making you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy. Let this breath be the start of my repentance and I promise I will breathe back love into you.