BabyZ, childhood, happiness, life

A letter to my boy from his working mother

Dear Z,

I really hope that when you are reading this you’re a healthy, happy young man. Amma is going to try to explain something to you today but it might take a while because I need to understand it better myself first. Before we begin, let me tell you that ‘writing’ about things can sometimes help you figure out what’s going on in your mind. It’s a way to clean up the mess that’s in there and by the end of it, more than often, you feel better than how you started. I hope you also appreciate writing one day and learn to use it for your benefit.

Your mommy has always been an ambitious person. She has always dreamt big and took challenges to be somewhere in life. In the words of a famous author, ‘I’m not lucky. You know what I am? I am smart, I am talented, I take advantage of the opportunities that come my way and I work really, really hard.’ I hope that by the time you’re old enough to read this, I have succeeded to become a ‘somebody’ in this very competitive world. My point being Z, I’ve always gone the extra mile to do well in my career. I never took the easy way out or comforted myself with an excuse to take a backseat – even if that meant painfully long drives when I was pregnant with you – I worked. I was asked to go to your nana nani’s house for your delivery which is the only reason that I quit work – I was 7 months pregnant then. In my mind I had it all planned out – a 6-month maternity leave and then back on the field. But things hardly ever go the way you plan them.

11th of July, 2015 my life changed forever. I had the most beautiful blessing of God that a person could ask for. I had you. The days flew by in a flash. I was completely indulged in raising you in the best possible way that I could. From being just a corporate lawyer, I had suddenly become your full time consultant, caretaker, chef, nurse, friend, teacher, everything – I was your everything. And with every passing day you made me realize what an important job I was doing. You appreciated me with your cozy hugs and a smile so warm that it would take away my worries and melt my heart.

But I will be honest with you Z, there were days when I just wanted to get out of the house and do something – be something. That bug which was deeply inculcated inside of me kept itching for some kind of self-achievement. I have always loved you more than life itself but there were days when I wanted to be more than just a mother. I wish I knew better.

You have always been an above average baby Z. You were an early crawler, an early walker, talker and what not – you just didn’t want to slow down! And I’ve completely enjoyed watching you achieve your milestones with so much confidence and grace at such a tender age. Before you turned 2 you knew your numbers from 1-10, you could point out and name 5 continents, you knew almost every ‘first word’ from your surroundings (be it food items, vehicles, toys, animals (you would call a porcupine – ponka ponka ponka!)). You knew who Allah is… you would sit with me when I recited the Quraan and point your bubbly little fingers at the words and say ‘Alif, baa, jeeem, haaa’. I can just go on for days boasting about how smart my baby has always been.

It’s a common belief that children generally are very adaptive to changes. Mold them whichever way you want and the little ones just follow. You were always very cooperative with your mama Z. Ever since you were just a couple of months old, you have been very patient with me – especially when we were passing through difficult times as a family. You have always been my pivot – the center of my balance and I cannot tell you how thankful and proud I am of you for being my strength.

It’s been a little over a month since I resumed my job. After many failed attempts to secure a job I was finally hired by a company which has one of the most intimidating and challenging auras that I have ever faced. It’s a daily struggle so far. More so, because I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I have gone from having a multi-tasked 24/7 routine with you to just being a lawyer and that to for someone else.

1st of April 2017, your baba and I dropped you to the daycare for the first time. I was composed for the first hour – thanks to you because you were such a confident and happy baby – but then I just broke down. I sat in our car outside your daycare and I cried. Leaving you there was one of the toughest decisions of my life. To know that you will be fed by someone else and taken care of by someone else and rocked to sleep by someone else. It just ripped my heart. Despite of being an emotionally strong person, parting away from you even for a few hours was one the weakest moments for me. I had to repeatedly console myself that it was ok, that you were ok and happy with your new friends and that sooner or later, you needed this exposure to grow as a strong individual.

During your first week at the daycare, there were noticeable changes in your behavior that worried me all night. You were suddenly becoming cranky and throwing tantrums at every little thing. Your appetite had gone down and it seemed like you were no longer as happy as you used to be with me. I just didn’t understand why. I was making sure that every single hour that I got with you, we were making the most out of it. I would finish all the house chores before it was time for me to pick you from the daycare just so I could spend all my time with you. But something was wrong. I kept having anxiety attacks – I kept getting paranoid that all of this was going to make me fall down on my face.

I asked the daycare in charge what was the matter and she wisely pointed out that the problem was not with you, it was with me. You see Z, a mother and child share a very unique bond. From the time when a baby is in the womb and then perhaps forever, a mother and child are always connected. They reflect in each other’s being. My panic reflected in your behavior. When a mother panics, the child inevitably gets scared because then they don’t understand what’s happening to them and why mommy is going so crazy! The cause of my panic was my guilt. My constant guilt. I was just living with the fact that I was doing something wrong. That instead of being with my baby and playing with him at home and looking after him, I was going out and working. And the feeling multiplied itself by infinity on days when you were even slightly ill. I can’t tell you how much it killed me inside to wake you up in the morning and drop you at the daycare to be able to go to work. In the past one month I have contemplated resigning at least 10 times.

But then I ran into other working mothers. Mothers of more than just one baby, mothers of babies who were just a few weeks old, mothers of children with special needs, single mothers and the list goes on. The world is made up of so many stories Z, so many stories which you and I are not even aware of. Every household has its set of challenges. Every child, every woman, every man wakes up with a dream and then the many hurdles that he or she needs to make way through. I gained support from such many examples around me and more so ever, I had the support of your amazing father, your Aaji and your nana & nani who always stood by me and calmed me down on my crazy days. They were the ones who trusted me and told me that I was capable of fulfilling both roles. That I could be a kick-ass lawyer and an even better mother, both at the same time.

There is another aspect to our situation – the importance of ‘separation’. Like I said above Z, you and I are already connected in a very magical way. It’s plain nature and nothing can ever change it. You have always been and will always be a part of me – literally. And that’s amazing – watching you is like watching a piece of my heart run around and sing adorable nursery rhymes. But you see, despite of being attached naturally, our attachment needs nurturing. That is where separation comes into play. I kind of understood this phenomenon when I moved away from your nana nani after marriage. But the importance of this sensation sunk in when I was separated from you – even for just a couple of hours.

Separation is so important in relationships because due to that separation you realize that you will be reunited. You need to know that the person comes back. That feeling you get when you walk back into the house or for me when I would park the car outside your daycare – my eagerness to see you and to be able to hug you and kiss you after hours, which seem like years, cannot be contained. The excitement just overflows. And I long to hear you scream in your adorable squeaky voice every time I come to pick you at the day care, ‘Mama aaaagaaiiiiii!!’ – those are the most eager few minutes I spend before I can actually hold you and hug you again. This is the importance of separation – it enables you to eagerly look forward to meeting the one you love so much.

I know my job has a new presence in your life. It’s a huge unknown block in our fun-filled bubble of mommy and Z. But I need you to understand that right now it’s a big confusing thing for your mama as well. Even I’m trying very hard to figure it all out and have my life back in control. My job has not only changed your life, it has impacted my own. And most importantly Z, I need you to know that I am working not because I would ever…. EVER choose work over you – I cannot choose ANYTHING over you – but simply because work is also important.

Work is what will allow your mom to support our family. Work is what will allow us to do the things that we want to do as a family. Work is what will encourage mommy to grow as an individual – to be stronger and more confident in her thoughts and decisions. Work is what will urge mommy to learn and be at par with the world. Work is what will perhaps make mommy the kind of woman that she wants you to see and admire. Amongst everything that you have so beautifully learnt my little Z, amma wants you to learn and know and respect women for their individuality, for their opinions and for their emotions – and I pray that by the time you read this, you can proudly say that your mother is an example of women who are strong and respected for who they have struggled to become.

Love & hugs & a million kisses,

Amma

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my happy place ❤
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belief, dreams, happiness, hope, memories

3 months down, a lifetime to go..

Whatever the days are made up of, I can’t deny that some of them are pretty hard to pass. Some days I uncontrollably slide down a downward spiral of memories that I wish to erase now; some days I just fall flat on my face unable to pull myself up together and the rest of them? They’re not too bad I guess.

It’s been 3 months since then and although things are much more stable now, I still tend to zone out of the human time frame occasionally. Occasionally – definitely sounds reassuring; good that the frequency has come down to ‘occasionally’.

During those days I had gotten into a habit – one that I found great difficulty fighting later –the habit of killing time. I’d wake up every morning with the same agenda & prayer for the day – I hope it passes quickly. It was pathetic. It still feels pathetic to have lived months like that. I had no direction. I was just waking up every day with a red marker in my hand waiting for the 24 hours to tick by so that I could decorate my calendar with another cross – That.Was.It. – My life, my days, my hours and everything in between, were only being lived so that they could pass. There was no aim for the present, no time to cherish anything about the past and no dream for the future because I was too busy counting the seconds as I swung back and forth with the red marker in my hand.

When it all ended – I woke up with a void. It was as if I had nothing left to do. I didn’t need to pray for the day to ‘just pass’ anymore – it didn’t really matter now. So initially I used to just walk around with a blank mind. I had no clue about what I should or I could do. My path had changed but I still had no direction. None at all. Pretty pathetic, yet again.

But time waits for none and it didn’t wait for me to figure anything out either. It’s been 3 months now and I actually feel better. Great family, a handful of amazing friends, decent job to keep me busy all day and a Masters degree that I am looking forward to – can’t thank God enough. Last week I was talking to my best friend and she asked me what plans I had for the next day. It took me less than a minute to blurt out my to-do list to her and once I was done, I realized.. that felt great! Although things have gotten better now, I still keep giving myself daily lessons about what really matters and what’s the truth in today. These are the few things that cross my mind almost everyday:

1.      There has to be a purpose in every minuteIrrespective of how many times I’ve already said this; it’s absolutely pathetic to wake up each day just wanting it to be over! We are all breathing as humans for a purpose – it’s better to move towards finding it. I tell myself everyday that I must have a reason to wake up in the morning – a reason that tells me why I am created the way I am and the reason better be convincing!

2.     Work ≠ life. If you’re waking up every morning because you have to work and if you’re working 5 days a week because that’s what gets you your paycheck – something is majorly wrong! I was thinking about this the other day that I am kind of growing old now and all my life has been about moving a step up – achieving whatever’s next and its sad that up till a few weeks back, I felt like my life had lowered down to the point where it was all about getting a paycheck at the end of every month – period. Thinking about it makes my stomach tie up in knots – what if there was no need to spend money anywhere tomorrow? What if I woke up in this completely new system one day where every necessity came for free? I wouldn’t care less about my paychecks then right?

3.       Seldom does it turn out the way you expected it to be. Just the thought of how MANY examples I can mention in this section makes me smile. You can plan all you want and know even more but it’s reality’s next unfolding that dispels all you thought you knew in a second. I once read somewhere that if you want God to smile, make a plan. I can’t stop nodding my head to that statement.

4.       As an extension to the last point – stop expecting rainbows! As difficult as it may seem but the fact of the matter is that learning only begins when all your genius is trashed away by nature. When fate kicks in, that’s where we get our reality check. What we believe to be the ultimate truth today might totally shift its axis depending upon what tomorrow brings with it. It’s scary. And scarier is the fact that not only our beliefs may change course but along with that the intensity and proximity that we attach to those beliefs shift as well. It’s so important to know what you’re expecting tomorrow to be like and yes, it’s a good thing being optimistic but being realistic is so much more important.

5.       There are a few core facts; and the most important one is – you are worth it all. Regardless of whether we accept it or not, everyone has this benchmark in their minds after which they believe they shall be branded to be taken seriously. For me, I thought that would happen when I finished law school. My degree was some sort of a reassuring license to the idea of actual existence. But when I began working and all that didn’t happen because I still had a long way to go and I still wasn’t tall enough to jump my imaginary line – I decided to go out and make it happen myself. I had to make sure that I was taken seriously and not treated as someone who you could cut off in between the line. Some days I get there, some days I don’t but every day I wake up with the decision that if it has to happen I have to make it happen.

For as long as things were easy and smooth I obviously had no clue how bad they could get. It’s been hard. The past few months have been downright difficult for most of the time. And I write it out because it’s hard to explain the feeling verbally. I’ve held this inside because I thought my strength lies in pretending to be fine whenever anyone asks how I was handling life as opposed to actually handling life. Change scares me. I find changes difficult to accommodate to. Always. And sometimes blurting it all out makes me feel good.

The one thing that continues to intimidate me is that there is so much of so much to let go, to forgive and to learn. I always say that this life is temporary but who knows how many years you have left. However, I guess what’s important in the middle of this chaos is to hold your ground to the few core facts – facts like, everyone deserves to be happy… at least happy. I will always be in the position to define what’s ‘fine’ in my life even if it doesn’t work for anyone else and its experiences that make us capable of controlling our lives a little more. Some experiences are not just a result of a good or a bad choice that you made; they become intrinsic to who you are – they become part of your core. So much so that whatever else around that shifts its axis or evolves, it doesn’t affect your core, it only causes amendments to how you would have responded and how you choose to respond today. I guess it wouldn’t be so complex if every feeling, every dream and every hope were tied together to a common ground of self-love, pride, faith and the power that vests in each one of us. Maybe then the world wouldn’t be such a scary place to live in afterall.

belief, childhood, happiness, hope

To the girl on the swing

So we’ve all been told atleast once in our lifetime that we must stay positive, dream big, make mistakes and learn from them and eventually move on. We all know that in the end this life is about ‘survival’ and why not stay happy while it lasts? But no matter how much I know today either because of time or experiences, I still secretly wish that someone had whispered all this in my ear earlier – much earlier.

My parents made a home video of me when I was about 2 years old. It’s all about what my day would look like back then; right from brushing my teeth in the morning to jumping on the bed before I’d fall asleep at night. I love watching that video. There’s a part in it where I’m sitting on a swing that my dad put up for me in the house – my mum is giving my swing slight pushes while my dad zooms in and out with the handycam. They were throwing rapid questions at me and were making me tell stories just to capture what funny ideas and huge dreams my two year old mind had. There’s one point where they ask me if I knew a word that started with the letter Q and I said ‘Queeeeeeenn!’ and it didn’t end there.. I continued to say in my jumpy mood ‘Nazan will be a queeeeen one day!’.

I sometimes wish that this older me, who’s on the other side of the TV, was the one with the handycam in my hand watching a younger me swing her heart out; I’d probably pause the recording for a bit, stop the swing, kneel down and look at the younger me in her big bright eyes and tell her a few important things that I know she will want to know and believe in and need while growing up gets in her way…

You must always, always feel that rush of fresh air that you were feeling right now when you were swinging back and forth – you must remember to breath in and smile as if you are on top of this world. You must dance and sing and jump around while you’re at it because at that moment you’ll feel free. Be as joyful and carefree as you can be, for as long as you can. Always bask in the opportunity to act and think like a two year old – amongst the seriousness that life will bring, trust me you’ll want to dwell in such opportunities. Throw your arms up in the air – as high as you possibly can – and play with the stars and clouds. Life will try and get serious with you, but you tell it to go away. Make sure you don’t let it take its toll on the happy, playful you. I want you to remember that there will be a lot of seriousness and stressful stuff .. like big, bad stuff.. but in the end, when you look at the entire picture as a whole – all that won’t even be significant. The prominent parts of that big picture will be flashing at you in pink and blue!

In a few years the only thing on your mind will be a virtual race. Everyone is a part of it – at school, at University, at work.. everyone is always competing, wanting to put the other one down so that they can move a step up – closer to what they call ‘achievements’. Remember little one, those will never be the achievements that define who you are or what you have made out of your life. Yes, it will look like the most important thing at that moment but you must keep your focus on building yourself – on collecting those pink and blue memories that will define your life.

Be an individual and always be true to yourself. A lot of situations, a lot of life’s ugly tricks will put you down and break your back but you must never let them define how you look at yourself. Don’t be a bully and limit how others look at themselves – nobody deserves to be treated badly – not you and not anyone else.

School will seem tough but make sure you make the most out of it. You’ll miss it once you’re through. Work will be the one thing that will try and consume you as a whole – resist it. Give your best to your work/career and be driven but never forget to play. You must enjoy what you’re doing – if it doesn’t give you time to be happy – then it’s not worth it. There will be a lot of times when you will have to take big decisions – big and important decisions. Those might be the reasons for a turn in your life. Hold your ground, take a deep breath, pray to God and listen to your heart. And while you’re doing all this, just before you blurt out what you want, make sure that your decision keeps you content if not necessarily happy. That feeling always lasts longer.

Enjoy your childhood for as long as you can. The title of being a ‘grown up’ will eventually come to you and I hope it comes to you in bliss. Be confident. Stand tall and bold. Value the words: individual, self respect and love. Hold onto your manners, remember that ‘thank you’ is a magic word, remember that a smile is always warm and everyone loves it. Treat your parents well; they are the only ones who will love you unconditionally. Never miss a chance to tell anyone; family, friends, colleagues, even your pet that you love them or you miss them or you wish that they were with you or that you were with them or that they make a difference in your life and that they are important. Don’t hesitate to apologize – but make sure its heartfelt. Remember relationships are meant to be treasured and they must strengthen with time. Do and say what you feel; those will be one of the ‘pink and blue’ moments of your map at the end.

Make good friends. Those who make you smile. Those with whom you can be yourself. Those who make you more than what you are. Life will throw in its tricks but despite of everything, if you have that friend by your side in the end – hold tight to him/her. Share your stories with them, lend them a ear, stick up for them and if that calls for a fight; fight. Choose your friends like you pick your favorite colors from a box of crayons. Look for compassion, honesty, humor and kindness. You will need such friends by you when you fall.

Your heart – it will be your best friend at times and it might hurt the most at others. Never run away. You will want to find a story that matches up with the fairy tale dream that you built but always think about the big picture; the ultimate map of your life. There, only ‘you’ matter. Be sincere and love with sincerity. Many times you will want to rebel against your own self but be patient instead. Find someone who will not define you but will let you be good on your own and better with them with you. Find someone who not only accepts but respects your dreams and forbids you to give up on them. Find someone who you can talk to for hours, always. And when you’ve found that person, look for a million ways to keep them with you forever.

And before I let you swing again, I want you to promise me that you will always hold onto to every dream that you have today. No matter how wild or impossible they seem later but never let go of them. Never let anyone tell you that your dreams are a fantasy, that they are irrational. Never listen to them because who knows if you let go of your dreams someone else just might snatch them up and live them instead. Hold onto who you are today and hold on tight. It’s a rough ride ahead. All of this that I have told you might help you when you’re down but don’t bother trying to analyze and understand life. Here are two huge secrets; life is temporary and it makes no sense at all. Just believe in yourself and follow your heart. Cry when you feel like it, be kind to yourself and to others, give warm hugs, kiss with passion, dance like no one’s watching, smile even without a reason, fall but remember to get back up, ask whenever you need help, don’t stop learning and let life be simple. Let it be as simple as it already is right now.

*play/record*

belief, dreams, hope

Breathe in me now

I lived

Awash with ironic antonyms of life I danced in and out of every passing day. I was carefree. I was free. Friends, family, events, parties, work, sleep, patience, impatience, madness, sanity, happy days, bad days; everything ran around in random directions without ever colliding. And Me? I had my share of ups and downs in life but life was good.

I dreamt

There were nights when the full moon started pouring its light down my window and I would lie down counting stars; praying for him. And on one of those nights, in the middle of a beautiful dream, I confessed.. I confessed that I loved him. I had let go of a butterfly that night. Just like a free spirited soul. My soul, perhaps, is still the same except for you don’t see it dancing with the days or laughing in the crowd anymore. You don’t see its face beaming with the light in her heart anymore. In fact, now you don’t see that soul at all.

I lived a dream

That butterfly believed in three words he said and shot out of its home to be all his – for eternity. I wore his ring and he wore mine. Nothing could bring me down during those days. I was living my dream. The world could hear my laughter while I swung in the merry-go-round. The canvas of my life was full of colors of red and blue and yellow and pink. I had rings of flowers on my head. I often look for that girl now. Perhaps she died somewhere in that carnival of her life. Perhaps that butterfly got shot in its wing. I can now only see her ghost in my mirrors.

I still dreamt

Settled in a corner, while the world laughed and rejoiced, I closed my eyes and saw the Sun set in the West. I closed my eyes and tears rolled down and then I forced a smile. With a broken wing, I still wanted to dream. I saw a girl who was always hurt in the playground but she’d get up, brush off the sand from her pants and run to the slide again. But this time she was tired of getting hurt. This time she just sat and watched the other kids play. I still tried to make sense of everything. The wing ached but the foolish heart continued to dream. I saw dandelions kissing each other and I thought that my thousand aches will do the same before I start my journey in my little home. I dreamt and I hoped and based on just that I locked away my broken wing with a fragile glass key. And every time I did that, the glass key broke in my palm and now along with a broken wing I had blood lines across my palms. Every time someone asked me why I looked so pale I’d smile and offer them tea; and then during tea I’d tell them tales of other people’s ironic misfortunes. But in reality I was only hoping to get a hint. I was hoping to get some answers.

Now when I look at everyone, I see them laugh. Two sips of tea and they know my story. They know who I am. They look at me and they see through me. How could I not tell of this clarity before which now strikes my mind and soul like a sharp knife? Why did I not fly away from that deadly carnival?

 I surrendered

I stand on the seashore today and questions slip through between my toes. I stare at the blank endless ocean desperately searching for a defined horizon and I can’t find it. I can’t sit down because my back is injured, I can’t fly because my wing broke and I can’t look back because I’m scared it will all come back screaming at me again. So I just stand still waiting. I wait to see the Sun rise that I once saw setting down. My heart aches, my mind questions me and my body seems to have frozen. I only feel. I can only wait.

When I chose to give up and I closed my eyes, I knew my guests were waiting to attack at me again. When I opened my arms and closed my eyes with every tear that rolled down my face I told myself to be patient; to be patient like all tragedies are. I will have to face my guests. I will have to seal my lips and let time tell my tale. When my eyes were closed, the dandelions stopped kissing. I had no glass key to hold this time because I cut off my injured wing. I let fate take another bite of my soul.

Now I breathe

I have gifted gashes all over my body and I see a bride dancing in the ocean before my eyes. I stand steadfast bleeding from every gash that has been presented to me; in body and in soul. The bride looks back at my miserable state and smiles at me before she walks away.

I breathe once – for patience. I want to heal my soul and what eats it from within. I want to get rid of the numbness and feel the pain so that I can pull the thorns out of my back. I want to cut the chains tied across my legs and let blood rush life into them. I want to take baby steps and try to walk again. This time, in peace.

I breathe again – this time for hope. I want to reach out with my injured palms and snatch every star the sky holds. I want to forgive myself and dream of the impossible again. I want to tell myself that it’s ok because there are moments that I cannot control and from fate I can never win.

I breathe once more – for strength. I want to try and smile again. I want that beam in my heart to light up my face one more time. I want to go dancing in the forests and I want to laugh in the crowd again. I want the strength to fight away these satanic gashes of faces and feelings; I want to hold myself close and assure my soul that it’s alright.

I breathe again and this time air reaches my lungs – I breathe for life. I failed to protect my soul, I let the butterfly get shot in its wing, I held the glass key because I loved you too much but I am left with only pain. Yet I lived. I survived. I pray that may bliss come to me from within my core and may it come in such great quantity that it reaches out to others. And I pray that the Sun rises again and that it rises soon for only it will heal my bleeding gashes and tell me that things will change. Only in that light will I be able to see, I be able to trust that life still has some good things to offer. I pray that I can believe again. I pray that I can work to make a future out of this wounded life.

Dear soul, forgive me for what I put you through, forgive me for leaving you with a bitter past and forgive me for making you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy. Let this breath be the start of my repentance and I promise I will breathe back love into you.

dreams

the only anodyne

She stumbles to decipher the code.. Just for a little while.. let her lean against the rough yet firm bark of this huge oak tree… oh my, winter seems to have ended.. for there are some tiny buds eager to sprout into beautiful, scented flowers…Just for a little while.. let her rest here in peace..

She struggles to stand straight after another resurrection. Yet again… She stumbles to decipher His code. Is it her stubborn nature or has there been a celestial change in His coded plans…again? Let her rest now, just for a little while..

Who is to ever tell her the reason behind the altering shapes, colors, feelings, faces.. who is to ever tell her why?.. Without any answers to her everlasting curiosity she is expected to waltz away from her past and swing in like a ballerina into the vagueness of tomorrow. She would rather let her bleeding toes heal and never question the immaculate dichotomy of the ‘why’ and ‘how’..She’d rather rest .. just for little while..

What is existence but an up shot of destiny’s brutal tricks?..Look at her,  so vulnerable, so fragile..so easily hurt.. more easily healed. A mesmerizing mixture of a beautiful pain? Searching for what.. striving for who?.. Oh my, her bleeding toes.. if only I could caress you with fresh red petals from the prettiest rose.. but we must wait.. for winter has just ended..we must endure patience, my love.

Patience such as there is in the delicacy of weaving trust and emotions into human lives. Patience such as the fragile moment where life and death themselves are at par with each other; the slightest hasty stroke will push one to either side.. This time is the longest wait, I promise. The most precarious event in your healing.

Just breathe my love.. look up at the massive oak tree.. feel it’s rough bark on your bleeding palms and let it heal you from within.. effortlessly..cautiously. Close those tired eyelids now and picture long linen curtains..blowing in and out as you breath .. gaze into the warmth of your heart.. forgive wherever you can.. don’t let your tears distract you .. don’t worry about your bleeding toes.. don’t try too hard today.. don’t test your strength, not today.. For you have just been resurrected, so take it easy and slow; you are as fragile as a fetus in a womb…

Don’t listen to the clock that ticks.. hide it well out of sight.. work with patience; that’s all you have.. and redefine yourself.. Breathe in the smell of the fresh buds and the rough oak bark.. Let yourself heal.. You are tired yet eager.. bleeding yet strong.. So just take baby steps for you don’t have the strength today to take much more… rest for a while now… just rest for a little while, till spring comes.. and with those buds..you shall bloom..